The Lowdown

Here you go.

This is hazelnut?

Damn, that's warm.

Hey, coffee's hot.

Henry installed one of those, uh, thing-a-majigs, whatever.

-Coffee machine. -Yeah.

-You're still here, huh? -Here to help, boss.

Yeah, with him here, let's see those dudes try to chuck

you in the back of the trunk now, pedo. Ain't going down.

Stop calling me pedo, okay?

It is not a cool nickname.

All right, goddamn. What the fuck am I supposed to call you, then?

I don't know. Lefty, Lucky, something cool.

Hey, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's not how nicknames work, dawg.

Start calling you Scarecrow.

Why? Cause I'm tall?

Nah, dude, 'cause you don't use your fucking brain.

Listen, call me my name, Lee, or you'll be working at the bus plant.

Lee. Okay, yeah, we got it, Lee.

Ol' Left Nut Lee.

Oh, jeez.

Lunatic Lee.

Lee, we got you, Lee!

What a classic stinker.

Because your mom doesn't like you staying at the bookstore anymore.

-'Cause it's not safe. -Why isn't it safe?

It's that one right there, see it?

-That one? -Yeah.

Here we go.

So, actually it has two full baths,

which personally I think is super rare for a quadplex.

You said it was a duplex.

It's quadplex.

So, it's like an apartment.

Anyway, I think it would be awful nice for a young girl

on the cusp of womanhood to have your own shower.

Come on, you can put all your girly stuff in there, like your hair products,

and your nail stuff, and your trimmers for your personal grooming.

Sneaking all the boys over.

-Vicky? -Yes.

How did the estate sale finish off, huh?

Did you sell all those books in Dale's study?

-I did, actually. I made quite a profit. -Mm-hmm. Who's the lucky winner?

Let me guess, Ray?

Actually, you know what? He stood me up, that scamp.

Yeah, he said he was coming, and he never showed.

-What do you mean? Who bought 'em? -Fuck if I know.

-Sorry. -What do you mean? You-You don't remember?

No, I don't remember. There were like 500 people in the house.

Uh, speaking of houses, do you wanna rent this one?

Because, um, honestly, I am late for a full Brazilian.

How's the neighborhood?

It's affordable.

Yeah, but is it safe?

Tulsa has the worst crime in the country, you know.

-Per cap it a. -Well, that's depressing.

Um…

I don't know, there's like a cute little police station nearby, if that helps.

Um… It's…

But, okay, actually that probably makes it worse.

Feels safe. We'll take it.

-Really? -Great!

Okay, I can see him.

Hey. There he is.

May I?

Goddamn.

-Getting old, it ain't for sissies. -Mmm.

Listen, thanks for meeting me, Chubs.

I wanted to check in on that prick reporter.

I told him to stay away.

Good, I had my lawyers put a call on to that paper, that Heartland Press.

It's a long-form magazine.

I don't care what it is. The guy cornered me in a bathroom,

my dick in my hands, like a goddamn psychopath.

The guy asking me questions about skinheads and kidnapping!

I'm sorry, I don't mean to raise my voice.

Look, there's something else too.

Something I need done.

I'm gonna be looking at getting a security detail if I'm elected.

Protect me from nutjobs like Lee Raybon.

You do me this favor, this thing,

I'd be hard pressed to find a better candidate to fill that need.

What's the job?

All right.

It's a favor and it's delicate.

How delicate?

It needs a sensitive touch.

Don't listen too long. They'll expect money. Come on.

Okay, you're giving them money.

Thank you.

-How much you give him? All right. -It was just a buck.

Is this about the guy that came by the store?

Listen, if I've learned one thing in the past week,

it's that the world is crazy, and they hate writers.

Mom says you say that all the time.

Say what?

That they hate writers. They don't actually hate writers, they just hate you.

Okay. That's crazy, okay?

People love me, all right?

And I don't know why she…

Look at him.

Bow-tie wearing… Watch this.

Watch somebody lie.

Just don't go to funeral homes.

Well, good luck to you, Al. Sorry about that.

Oh, no.

Lee Raybon, the king of Tulsa.

Hey, Ray.

I was thinking about swinging over the antique mall. You there?

I can pick up the books.

Oh, I'd love to see you Lee, but you know what?

I went to Dallas to a big old antique fair.

You went to Dallas, huh?

Looking cute in plaid.

I don't know how the cowboys gonna feel about that.

What a joyous day it is. I knew you were here. I saw you earlier.

Yeah. I knew you knew.

Francis, somehow you look prettier every time I see you.

And you somehow look worse.

Okay, that's because I spent the night in the fucking trunk of a car.

Why'd you crawl into it?

Yeah, 'cause I was murdered.

Listen to yourself.

DHS is gonna take your kid away talking like that.

I know you don't have the books, all right? And I gave you $1500.

Technically all you gave me was a stolen Joe Brainard, and you know what?

-Maybe it was a fake. -Okay, it was not a fake!

And come on! You said you'd get me the books!

I know. And you know what? I went right over there, I swear.

-You went right over? -Yes. I had to close up my shop first,

but I went over there and guess what? This bitch beat me to it.

-What bitch? -Catalina.

-Catalina? Uh-huh. -Mm-hmm. Yeah, she's an old antique rat,

a bruja, a literal witch, Lee.

She must have put some kind of hex on your little cooch mouse, Vicky.

Ray. She sells antiques, so she's here.

-You take me to her... -No, she not here.

I got her kicked out of the Tulsa Antique mill years ago.

She now sells her shit way out by Lake Keystone.

That's where she lives with some sad sack.

You'd probably love him.

Ray.

Ray, don't walk away from me. Come on.

Why do you need those books so bad anyway?

I don't need the books.

I need what is inside the books.

That might be the most pretentious thing you ever said.

Are you okay? You got a fever?

Look, they're gonna lead me to Dale's killer, okay?

I mean, I'm the furthest one to wanna spread a rumor,

but you know your friend, Frank Martin, okay?

-At Akron? -What about him?

Yeah, all right. Well, he's… he knows Donald Washberg.

Everybody knows Donald Washberg.

Yeah, political influencers, corporate raiders know Donald Washberg.

Frank Martin plays golf and drinks tawny port.

He's just another born-rich prick.

And he hires murderous ex-con skinheads, all right?

Didn't know that. Alan Murphy, ginger, murderer.

It's the guy at the store?

Okay… …you're not supposed to be listening!

-Stop listening! -What?

-Don't listen, all right? Just... -Believe me,

I made a point a long time ago never to listen to your daddy.

Yeah, and I'm the only one who ever tells you the truth.

What does that say about you?

I never should have put you in that room with Frank.

Oh, and you're one to talk about rough company.

I thought you'd be into second chances for lowly ex-cons

considering you're one yourself.

It's okay, Dad. I know you went to jail. Mom told me.

What, she told you that?

-No. I overheard her talking to Johnny. -Oh. Great. She told Johnny that?

-She said it was a week. -Yeah, and it was four days, all right?

-And a morning. -Okay.

-She didn't say what you did. -Lord, I went and done it now.

Jail's not as bad as you think. All right?

There's a lot of good people in jail. Nelson Mandela, Muhammad Ali,

-Martin Luther King. -Okay, so great black men of history?

All right, Merle Haggard, Chet Baker,

-Oscar Wilde. -Charles Manson.

If you don't go to jail, you're doing it wrong, okay?

-Oh, for God's sake. -Except you. I went to jail

-so you don't have to. -Oh, he's Jesus now.

The point is, don't listen to anyone, especially men in power.

Or crazy women in Tahlequah.

-Yeah. Or crazy women in Tahlequah. -All right. Goodbye now.

-No, we're going to Keystone Lake. -Oh. No, we're not.

Oh, then give me the 1500 bucks.

Well, I am not sitting on that bucket again.

-I put a pad on it. Come on. Let's go. -You put a pad on it.

-Get in there. Come on. -You put a pad on it.

-It smells like shit in here. -Yeah.

Jesus! God.

Francis, you'd like to ride on the bucket.

It's like going to a carnival ride.

Ow. This place stinks.

It's like a shit took a shit in here.

I have an AARP card, for Christ's sake.

-All right, this must be it, huh? -How should I know?