Truelove

-(footsteps approaching) -(inhales sharply)

-(door knob rattles) -(door opens)

"Queen Bitch" by David Bowie.

# Ah yeah #

# She's an old-time ambassador

# Of sweet talking Night walking games

# Oh and she's known In the darkest clubs

# For pushing ahead of the dames

# If she says she can do it Then she can do it

# She don't make false claims

# But she's a queen And such a queen

# Such a laughter Is sucked in their brains

# Now she's leading him on And she'll lay him right down

# Yes, she's leading him on And she'll lay him right down

# But it could have been me Yes, it could have been me

# Why didn't I say? Why didn't I say?

# No, no, no

# She's so swishy In her satin and tat

# In her frock coat And bipperty-bopperty hat

# Oh God I could do better than that #

-(soft music playing) -(all) # To Him I called

# He to my rescue came

# The hosts of God

# Encamp around

-# The dwellings... # -Oh, hello.

-# ...of the just # -# Of the just

-# Deliverance He # -# Deliverance He #

Dennis Albert Wilkins.

Dennis.

-Den. -(Phil sighs)

Den was born in Bristol, in 1944.

He was the third of four children and was, by all accounts,

"the quiet one".

-And Den's life was... -(huffs)

...a quiet one, too.

School. The Scouts. That was just Den.

Den joined in and played his part, all the way...

Dennis. It's Dennis.

It was never Den.

Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry.

It's fine. Just Dennis, please.

Of course.

-(gulps nervously) -(all chuckle softly)

Dennis was apprenticed into the purchasing department

of Lewis's. He was only young. Very soon, he rose in the ranks.

-(birds squawking) -(bell tolling in distance)

We meet in the name of Jesus Christ...

who died and was raised to pray for you.

-(Phil sighs) -(urine trickling)

-Don't mind me. -(Ken) Oh, shit.

Nothing I haven't seen before.

Prostate.

I have to go every 20 minutes. What's your excuse?

Can't do the grave bit.

The soil hitting the lid.

-Give me cremation any day. -(Ken chuckles)

It's good to see you, Ken.

-How long has it been? -Must be, what, 15?

-Twenty, even. -Don't.

You know those things aren't good for you.

-These? -(Ken) Mm.

That's what I've read.

On the bright side, the pub looks decent.

-(sighs deeply) -Oh, come on.

-(Ken whispering) Nah. -It'll be fun.

Tea?

-Gin and tonic, please. -Tanqueray, Hendrick's, Sipsmith?

-Pipehouse, Hayman's Victory? -Just a large one.

-Oh. -(Ken chuckles softly)

-And for you, sir? -Er, orange juice, please.

-Thank you. -Oh, no, you don't.

-(laughs) -Tom.

Two pints of your best bitter, please.

-Oh, no... no. I... -Well...

-How often do we all get together? -Not often.

Never is how often. This could easily be the last time.

Don't say that.

We're going to give him a proper send-off.

Two scotches with the pints and, er...

Another large gin, then? (chuckles)

When did you last see him?

I'm ashamed to say, years.

-Me? Two weeks ago. -How was he?

It wasn't him by then.

It was cancer cells

-versus cancer drugs. -(tuts)

They had to lift him to... ...wipe him.

You could see his bones beneath his skin.

You wouldn't let your dog suffer like that.

If I get anywhere near that,

please take me out the back and shoot me.

-What are friends for? -(David) Yes.

-(Ken chuckles) -(David) Hey.

Ken could do it for all of us with his SAS training.

I wasn't SAS. Engineers.

That's what you would say if you were SAS.

I mean how did they let you in? Captain America to the rescue.

Ken's mum was as British as you are.

I'm only teasing.

Tom, what did our old mum used to say?

"If you can't say anything nice,

-don't say anything at all". -"Don't say anything at all".

-(chuckles) -Er, world snooker final,

1980, quickly. Who played in that final?

-(inhales) The... -(David) No, no, no, no. Ken?

What? (sighs) I don't know.

-Phil? Tom? -Alex Hurricane Higgins and...

-Cliff Thorburn, Canadian. -(exclaims)

-Bushy moustache. -(David) Yes.

-(chuckles softly) Hmm. -So, what?

Everybody remembers that final. Bank holiday Monday, news flash.

We're interrupting this program to bring you breaking news.

-The Iranian Embassy siege. -We're all glued to the snooker.

You're taking out terrorists with your SAS mates.

Or someone who looked very like you.

-It's good to see you again, David. -(chuckles awkwardly)

-(indistinct laughter, cheering) -Thank you very much.

-You! (laughs) -(Tom) The man indeed.

Somebody get a picture of this for posterity.

-David buying a round. -(David) Oh.

No... no. To be serious, just... just one minute.

-Could it be done? -(soft music playing)

Could we not help each other when the time comes,

-make a more elegant exit? -(chuckles)

-You're not still on this, are you? -Don't be so morbid.

You'd need a really good premed. Get properly mellow.

David could prescribe it.

I wrote my last prescription a decade ago.

But why not? Really?

Because you never get away with it. That's why not.

Old person dies. Not exactly headline news.

-(all chuckle) -People get away with it every day.

I could take you now to the houses of people who got away with it.

Oh, that was then. I mean, with respect,

the forensics these days... It's moved on since your day, Phil.

-Oh, yes. -(Ken chuckles)

The beautiful pathologist deduces the whole thing from a molecule.

-(chuckles) -You watch too much TV.

We do watch a lot of television.

Well, you do, Marion. Speak for yourself.

Detectives, true crimes, anything with a psychopath.

-(Ken chuckles) -Oh, what about mobile phones?

-CCTV? -So, do it where there's no CCTV.

All the forensics in the world can do nothing

with a truly random act.

Thirty-seven years of policing taught me that.

But it would still have to be done.

You know, done, done. Ken?

Great. Ken can bump us off.

Phil can cover it up. Sorted.

"The Air That I Breathe" by The Hollies.

-(David) Cheers. -(Tom) To Dennis.

-(indistinct laughter, cheering) -(David) Dennis, the tennis.

-(laughs) -They've still got a minute.

-(laughs) -# ...and to love you #

-(whispering) What is happening? -(laughing) I...

# All I need is the air That I breathe #

-(bell rings) -(imitates guitar)

Time, ladies and gents, please. That's time.

We're residents, doesn't apply to us.

Give... Give me your tie, David.

-Ken. -What?

Ties, gentlemen, please.

I asked how the pub got its name. The true lover's knot.

Legend has it that the landlord's daughter...

...fell in love with a shepherd boy.

Aw.

The landlord was dead against it. He said it could never be.

So, the young couple, broken-hearted,

-hanged themselves from... -(others groan)

...from a mulberry tree.

They took their own lives... so they could be together forever.

-(both) Oh. -Romantic, isn't it?

-(Phil hesitates) -(Tom) The true lover's knot.

It means love, faithful even beyond death.

We all have to promise.

Give me your hands.

-# You need hands to hold # -(all chuckle)

-(laughing) You're drunk, David. -(Tom chuckles)

And you're ugly, Marion, but in the morning, I'll be sober.

-(chuckles) -Ugh. David.

-(Marion) Mm. -It's Churchill.

-I'm quoting Winston Churchill. -(Phil sighs)

We all need to promise... to swear...

that if the call comes... if any of us need it...

we'll step up.

We'll help each other across the threshold.

We'll do it out of love.

-True love! -(all) True love!

True love! True love!

-(thud) -(David groans)

Mind your head, everyone. Oh, God.

-(hums) -(indistinct chatter)

-(Marion) Good night, Phil. -(Phil) Good night, Marion.

-(Marion) Night, Ken. -(Ken) Good night.

You coming in for a nightcap?

You have a minibar? I don't have a minibar.

I don't have a minibar.

Oh.