Melissa & Joey

"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

- Joe, I got your text. Is everyone okay? - Yeah, everything's fine.

You 9-1-1'd me. You do know what that means, right?

It means you'll hustle up and get home when I need you.

I was in the middle of a critical budget meeting.

9-1-1 is for emergencies only.

- Your new cabinet doors are here. - Why didn't you tell me sooner?

I would've gotten a police escort!

Yippee, cabinets.

What are your clothes doing in the living room?

I'm sorry, you're right. They should really all be in my room.

Oh wait, I don't have one.

Speaking of other ways you personally inconvenience me--

- Oh, please do. - You know I will.

I went down to the drugstore for you today.

Sorry to say, they didn't have your magic lady ointment,

but I did get you this.

Curtis Gladwell?

- I broke up with him over a year ago. - I know, I know,

but I ran into him today and he asked me if you were still single

and I said, you know, "of course she is."

I'm just looking out for you, Burke.

Wow, Joe, thank you so much

for taking a proactive stance

in my personal dating life,

But, uh, just show me the frickin' cabinets.

All right, fine. Close your eyes.

Okay, here we go. Get ready.

Be-frickin'-hold. Huh?

My cabinets!

Aren't they great?

I hate them.

No. No no no no no, they're all wrong.

No no no no no no, they're all exactly right.

No, these are not the ones I picked out.

These are-- Leo?

They're the exact ones you picked out.

You drew little hearts around them.

Yeah, you did. Look at that.

And you wrote something down here too.

What did you write? "Mr. And mrs. Mel cabinets forever."

- See that? - These pictures are not like those.

Oh, that happens.

It's like my photo on Toledo match-up.

Trust me. I've seen more disappointed faces than yours.

There's plenty of other choices in here.

I don't believe them. I don't believe any of them.

Okay. All right, look-- the bad catalog is gone.

Okay? It'll never hurt anybody ever again.

I tell you what: why don't we just rip these cabinets out, okay?

And we can find you a cabinet specialist.

Oh, I know a guy. I got his card here...

- Somewhere. - Great, okay. You work on that.

Look, the most important thing

is that we keep the kitchen on track.

Because the kitchen is king, all right?

And nice cabinets? These are the linchpin.

'cause as soon as they're done,

then all the kitchen crap comes back into the kitchen,

and all the living room crap comes back up from downstairs...

And you can go back to that lovely basement.

Yes. Finally we will be back in our own rooms.

Yeah, not on top of each other anymore.

Yeah, thank God, 'cause the last place on earth I wanna be is on top of you.

Ugh. That'd be more horrible than those cabinets.

Hey, roomie, you look cheery and bright this morning.

So I guess the floor is not hurting your back anymore?

No, I actually started using

that little massager that you keep by your bed.

Oh?

Oh! That...

is exactly what that's for.

Yeah, well, I feel like I haven't slept in forever.

I mean, Joe gets up at 5:00 A.M.

And does his 500 push-ups.

I'm sure he doesn't do 500.

Oh, yes he does and he counts them out

in Italian.

Don't worry. You'll have your own room again very soon.

Here, have some coffee.

It's like cheerleaders in your brain.

Chug it, Ryder, I have to get to school early.

I have a stupid meeting with the stupid spirit committee

that the stupid vice principal put me on.

Ah, that's a lot of stupid to be in charge of.

This is punishment. I don't want to serve

on some rah-rah student government committee

with a bunch of good-looking popular kids.

Wow, I'm sure they're super-stoked about working with you.

For the record, there is nothing wrong

with good-looking people in government.

Government can be fiscally sound and adorable.

Eh, it'll be all the usual suspects--

You know, the suck-up kids who are Facebook friends with the principal?

Look, Lennox, you know how you're always trying to change the world for the better?

Well, you know, this committee could be

your city bus that pulls your skateboard of self-righteousness

through the congested streets of high school apathy.

This is why I have speechwriters.

Hey, Burke, the one-man cabinet SWAT team has arrived.

Come on in here and meet him.

Jules, hey, I want you to meet the lady of the house here

and I use the term "House" loosely.

Mel Burke, meet Jules D. Sawyer.

This house is gonna be a beaut.

- It's got great bones. - He's from New Jersey.

Look, I'm coming off a pretty bad cabinet experience.

I didn't get what I thought I was getting

and uh ( choked ) it ended pretty badly.

We don't have to rush into anything here.

We can take it slow.

Yeah, that's fine. Sure.

As long as you go slow as quick as you possibly can.

All right, there he is. Tell him what you want. Go now.

Okay. Uh, well, I'd like something contemporary,

but, you know, still classic.

I want the cabinets to look--

Don't tell me how they should look.

I want you to tell me how they should make you feel.

How they make me feel?

Well, I bet there's an emotional memory,

some time you were in a kitchen that spoke to you.

"Psst. Hey, Mel...

I really like your cans.

Of soup."

I'm sorry. I don't mean to disrespect your whole process.

You know what? I do have a kitchen story, actually.

When I was 16, my parents took me to Paris

and we were eating dinner at this bistro.

It used to be a home and still had that feel.

That's what I want.

When I walk in my kitchen, I want to feel like my kitchen is hugging me.

Good luck with that, pal.

Tell you what: I'm gonna leave you two alone.

I have to run down to the hardware store

and grab a couple more cans of paint

and perhaps a hammer that wants to hug me.

Okay, Mel. I'm gonna need a little more.

When you imagine your cabinets, what music do you hear?

Music? Really? First feelings, now music?

I need to know the emotion you're going for.

It's my process. Just go with me for a minute.

Well, I could tell you what the wood looks like

or describe the grain or the finish,

but you honestly expect me to tell you what song

I think my cabinets are sing-ing?

Hey, Jules. What are you still doing here?

Shhh.

Now I know they're just sketches, Mel,

but are they singing to you?

Oh, like Michael Buble.

Wow, Jules, these are exactly the cabinets I wanted.

Oh, I can't wait to get my hands

all over these bad boys.

Perfect. It's sold.

All right. So get going with the carvey-carvey.

More sketches? What are these?

Oh that. That's just a notion I had

for that empty room above your garage.

You were talking about making that into an office, right?

- Well, someday. - Why not now?

Skylight. Coffered ceilings.

Cherry wood window seat.

- It'd be your own private sanctuary. - ( gasps )

Oh, I've always wanted a sanctuary.

You know, the summer after we went to France,

my family and I went to Greece and there was this monastery--

Burke, Burke, Burke, Burke. Come on back here to America.

All right? Your country needs you.

Just stay on-task in the kitchen.

So why don't you make like your mates, the kangaroos,

and hop to it, okay?

Joe, never insult the people who brought us "Shark Week."

Look, Jules, I want you to build my dream office.

Go, make my life perfect.

I won't rest till you're satisfied.

Ooh, I like the sound of that.

I'll be back in the morning with a lot more wood.

Well, I'll be waiting.

- What the hell was that? - What?

"I'll be waiting."

- I didn't say it like that. - No, you're right.

I actually toned down the desperation.

I don't know what your problem is,

unless for some twisted sick reason you feel threatened.

What? No. Not at all. I'm just sayin'.

He's trying to work his way into every room in this house.

If that happens, he'll never leave.

I mean, is that what you want?

Well, he is kinda easy on the eyes

and not so yappy on the ears.

You know what this is, Burke? This is job creep.

Classic job creep. The guy's asked to do one job

- And he creeps his way into everything else. - Oh really, job creeper?

Wow, yeah. You started as my nanny,

but then you became my construction manager.

Now you're just the senior vice president of pissing-me-off!

Really?

You'd think I'd have a better parking spot then, baby.

Okay, team, Bobcat spirit is at an all-time low.