The Middle

Since the dawn of time, trying to get anywhere with your kids

has been a challenge.

Oh, my God.

Why are you so late? I've been standing out there forever.

Look. I got a snotsicle.

Put your coat on, you moron.

Ugh.

Brick couldn't find his book.

And you can't go to dinner like that.

I'm gonna change. Relax.

Don't tell your mom to relax.

Brick wants to go to Don's Oriental Food.

Ugh! No way. No foreign food. I want spaghetti.

Hey, you just passed the library again.

Where are we going now?

You said we'd go after we picked up Axl.

We will, but after we pick up Sue.

Oh, what? Can't we just pick her up after dinner?

I'm starving!

Look, this is just what we're doing, okay?

Sue, get in.

Aren't you guys gonna come in and see the display?

We got half the diabetes case.

- Oh, sure. - No!

- Absolutely not. - Fine. We'll go eat first

and then come back and see it.

Your brothers are hungry.

What? No. But--

Look, this is just what we're doing, okay?

We're going for spaghetti.

You said we could go to Don's Oriental Food.

No. No way.

Last time we didn't get to go where I wanted to go,

so I get to choose this time.

I want Rib Time America.

I like ribs.

- No! - No.

This is not fair. I was promised.

I ate hoagies against my will,

and you promised next time I'd get to pick, remember?

Okay, where am I going?

- Spaghetti! - Rib Time America.

The library.

You should not even be allowed to pick a restaurant.

You are a terrible restaurant picker.

I am not!

Colonial Diner.

That was one time!

I need a decision here.

I don't understand why we're not going to the library.

And what is your problem with Rib Time America, Axl?

You totally like those fries.

Aah! Axl, gross!

- Axl. - Axl.

Oh, relax.

I smell better than all you put together.

- Let's pick a place, people. - I am starving!

Hey, you just passed the library again.

We're not going to the library right now.

You were never gonna take me, were you?

Admit it! That's just what you say to get me in the car!

Okay, what are we doing?

I got Don's to the left, I got Ribs to the right.

Left or right? Left or right?

- Right. Right. Right. - I want to go to the library!

- Spaghetti. Spaghetti. Spaghetti! - Dad, please go to Ribs of America!

- Spaghetti! - I never get to do what I want!

Please! You know--

So this is what we did.

All right. You guys have school tomorrow.

Why don't you get to bed?

We're not tired.

Well, we are.

Oh, I call the bathroom!

No fair! You got it first last night!

Oh, you don't know what's coming for you!

Well, that was fun. We should do that again.

Ugh. All that fighting.

It's just impossible to do anything with these people.

Wouldn't it be so much easier if we only had one kid, hmm?

Or none.

No, seriously. Think about it--

how great would that be? It-- it would be like

"The Courtship of Eddie's Father."

Remember that show?

They would just take these long walks down the beach,

just the two of them, and talk and connect.

What are we doing?

We're referees-- sheepherding referees.

We should get whistles.

I mean, imagine if it was just Axl today.

We would have gotten there early,

seen a little of his practice.

I've been wanting to watch practice.

Yeah. And we would have had the time.

Could have talked strategy over spaghetti,

gone over some plays.

Right? And if it was just Sue,

we would have seen her display case,

taken her out for ribs, caught up on her life.

I like ribs.

Brick could have gone to the library

and Don's Oriental Food.

He gets really chatty when he eats Chinese.

I think it's the MSG.

And what's with Axl and that rib place, huh?

He was just being a jerk.

He totally likes the fries there.

So we're agreed-- we'll give two back.

Which one you wanna keep?

Look, it is what it is.

We'll never get 'em one on one.

Wait.

Why can't we?

So listen, your dad and I were thinking...

- I am not cleaning the garage! - You always do this.

Weekends are our time to relax!

This is something that will benefit you.

Instead of everyone running around with everyone else

and being miserable

and having to do things they don't want to do...

Like this?

You each get to spend a day with us alone.

Each kid gets me and your dad's full attention

for one day.

Pass.

Really? A whole day?

It's your day. We can spend it in whatever way you choose.

Oh, my God. One day is not gonna be enough.

You can have my day.

No one's taking anybody's day.

Okay, let's see. I want an outside activity.

I want an inside activity.

I want an activity we've never done together.

I want an activity that involves jumping.

I want a mystery activity. I want some reflection time.

Oof. Are you sure I can't dip

into just a little bit of Axl's day?

I wanna go to the library. I'm gonna show you the microfiche,

and I wanna go through the periodicals without rushing.

Can I invite a friend so I have someone to talk to?

Nope. Now go.

Okay. I'm gonna start making my list. (Giggles)

How 'bout a different plan?

You and me take off in the middle of the night

and just drive.

Axl.

Come on, Axl.

You're sleeping your day away.

We've tried to wake you up twice already.

Take a hint.

It's noon. If we're gonna do anything,

we gotta get this thing movin'.

I already told you I don't wanna go.

I was an only child for two years. I'm good.

(Axl) Whoa.

Come on. It's gonna be great.

Just the three of us. No siblings.

It's all about you. What do you wanna do?

Well, I got one idea,

but you're not gonna wanna do it.

(Man) Welcome to Paintball Zone! Game on!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

- Ho-ho! - Got 'em.

This is awesome. Oh, I wanna join the army.

Yeah, 'cause this is what war is like.

The blue team has been eliminated.

Yes.

Oh. Hey. I've been looking for you guys everywhere.

We got the blue team, right?

- Yeah. - I was this close to getting one,

- and then I tripped and shot myself. - Oh.

Hey, listen, I've been doing some reconnaissance.

The orange team is taking cover behind that jeep over there.

We gotta flush 'em out.

I'm thinking one of us lays down some suppressive fire,

and the other two flank 'em

by going over that ridge over there.

The only problem is, it leaves all three of us vulnerable.

Ooh. Hey. I know.

What about this instead?

Mom, you see that white pillar over there?

You run to that and draw their attention.

That way we can attack from here.

I don't know. That looks awfully far away.

Won't I be exposed?

You'll be okay. Just run in a zigzag pattern.

- Really? - Well, if you yell, "don't shoot"

over and over, nobody'll shoot you.

- Really? - Yeah.

Uh... (Exhales) all right.

Here I go.

All right.

Don't shoot! Don't shoot!

Don't shoot! Don't shoot!

Ow! Don't shoot! Don't shoot!

Aah! Don't shoot! Don't shoot!

Ow, ow, ow!

Aah! Oof!

Yeah! (Laughs)