How to Be a Latin Lover

My Papa was the hardest working person I ever met,

spending almost every day of the year on the road.

Give it to me!

But, whenever he had time off,

he would race home to see us...

Maximo! Sara! Your father is here.

Even if he had to drive all night.

Move!

I'm okay...

My Papa always said, "You get what you work for,

"not what you wish for."

So much for hard work.

This is a nightmare.

I know it's horrible living here, but we're still a family.

I don't need a family.

What I need is somewhere to live that isn't an old wreck.

When I'm older, I'm going to be an architect.

So I can build a big house for us.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to sleep so I can be sleeping.

What are you going to do for work?

I'm going to be rich so I don't have to work.

But Papa always said that you get what you work for, not what you wish for.

And look what happened to him!

It's time to sleep, children.

We're already asleep.

Look...

This is who I'm going to be.

He didn't get that rich without having a job.

I don't want his job.

I want hers.

Maximo.

Hi Maximo.

You'll like that, Maximo.

- Thank you. - Thank you!

Talk to me, Rafa.

What's on the menu?

Take a look at lounge chair number three.

There's a hot one over there, super rich!

I see her, I see her.

She looks delicious.

Who is she?

Peggy Von Strauss.

Fifty-five, divorced...

- But she's loaded. - Yeah?

Her family owns the biggest supermarket chain in the United States.

She's perfect.

I think I'm making you wet.

You know, no I can't. I have my helicopter lesson this weekend.

Spot!

Spill.

Shadow!

Finished.

Maximo!

There you are, my raindrop.

I was just, just on my way to wake you

Do you know what day today is?

- Tuesday. - No! It's Saturday.

- Close enough. - Happy anniversary!

Yeah.

- Just what I needed. - Really?

So different.

This one says 9:20, this one doesn't.

I love it. Thank you, thank you. I love it.

- I got you something too. - Really?

Where is it?

We have...

to go...

pick it up.

- How exciting! - I know!

- I'll be right back. - Right.

Just one second.

I'm waiting for you. I'm ready for you.

I'll be but a second, sweetie.

One second.

I'm here.

Happy anniversary!

Darling, what a sweet thought.

Get in. Get in!

I would, but with my knees I'm afraid it's too close to the ground for me.

Okay, forget it.

We won't get it then.

I don't want my knees to ruin our special day.

No, no, it's okay, it's okay.

Let's get in. It could be your car too.

Yeah, I suppose that could work.

- We'll take this one. - It's a fine choice.

You know the McLarens are like snowflakes

and no two of them are the same.

Is that true?

Actually it doesn't, but...

I still think it's a lovely image with the snowflake. Don't you think?

Are you the charmer?

Call it the romantic in me.

The guys in the floor calls me the poet, these boneheads.

They like to make fun.

And what form of payment will you be using today, sir?

Her.

Very good. I'll see if that's an option in our system.

Are you se... Another new car!

- Yep. - How do you do, Mr. Maxwell?

Once you lower your expectations, Timmy, the sky is the limit.

That's the most beautiful thing I've heard in my entire life.

Four!

You don't mind if Max and I play a few holes, do you?

Not at all.

As long as you play a few holes with me later.

You are a naughty girl.

Here we are, a steak and a salad.

Aha, mama likes you slim and trim.

You want me to feed you some meat.

I want it so bad.

This first bite is all fat.

- Hey buddy. - Oye, brother.

Millicent.

You look radiant as always.

Have I ever told you that you remind me of Senor Rojas?

He was my Spanish professor in college,

with whom I had a passionate affair...

Yes, I think you mentioned it once or twice...

Or every time I see you.

- Let's hit the links. - Yes!

Wanna grab a drink tonight?

Nope, sorry. No offense, got me booked up.

Got a bleaching appointment. You should try it some time.

I brush my teeth.

I'm not talking about the teeth.

- Ouch! - Gotta keep it white and tight.

Guys like you and me, we hide in the tall grass,

wait for the most beautiful gazelle to come up from the back of the pack,

drops her head to get that last drink of water and then we strike.

Thrill of the hunt.

Wait. Aren't the sickly ones usually at the back of the pack?

What do you know about animals? What are you, Steve Irwin? Rest in peace.

I watch a lot of animal shows.

- You're missing my point. - You know what, Rick,

I don't have to worry about hunting old gazelles anymore

because in my marriage,

I call the shots.

Would have been a lot cooler if I sank that.

I loved that you got yourself a matching McLaren.

We only played nine holes because I wanted to get back home to you.

Maximo, you're home early.

I missed you. What's wrong?

Did you get winded trying to scrap cook again?

It was a nice refreshing beverage after the workout we did...

Hey! You're back!

Hey, how you liking the car?

Handles like a beauty, doesn't she?

You cheated on me with a car salesman?

No, a little.

Remy. Here you go.

The number on the bottom doesn't work anymore

but the top one is good. Call any time, okay?

You want a drink? The bar here's incredible.

Well, I don't have to tell you.

I'm sorry, Maximo. It's over.

You sneeze, you lose, ese.

Okay. But, half of everything is mine.

Actually, no.

You signed a prenuptial agreement.

No, no, no. I signed a prenup.

No.

Shit!

I can't believe this.

After I gave her my best years,

and after I gave her my youth,

after I gave her the best of me.

Of course, now that my boobs have sagged,

she finds someone younger than me.

Shit!

I'm leaving. I'm leaving!

Look, once I cross this threshold, I'm never coming back!

I won't come back!

I won't come back!

It's finished!

It's finished forever!

But she's going to miss me.

She'll miss my seeds.

Come harvest time, she'll miss my seeds.

I'm feeling like playing some cops and robbers tonight.

Spice things up

I think I might need to get frisked.

That polyester looks a little itchy.

It will suit you just fine.

No, no, no, you're gonna put it on, you're gonna love it.

Whatever you want, mommy gets.

That's right.

Maximo.

Rick.

- I'm sorry... - My god!

I'm sorry, you scared me.

- Sorry, you okay? - Yeah.

What's going on?

Peggy dumped me.

What the hell am I gonna do?

I have no money, no home,

no helicopters.

My god! Stop hitting me!

I'm sorry.