What We Do in the Shadows

So, yes, it has been quite a summer.

- We finally got a new familiar. - Yeah.

- But he had an accident and died. - Yeah.

Left a bit. Left a bit more.

It's not even.

Ooh. Shit.

So we found another one and she had an accident

and she died.

Oh, fuck.

I had what is known as a summer of self- discovery.

I was being a vapor

and I got sucked into an air purifier.

But apart from that,

pretty slow summer.

And then the same thing happened with the next one.

I spent so much time at the DMV

they finally just gave me a license.

I did what any young, handsome man would do,

I went and bought a classic convertible,

put the top down, blasted some tunes and, uh,

I blocked the entrance to the Lincoln Tunnel.

This is gonna ruin my day, too, you know.

- And then the next one. - Yep.

We've been through about six... no, seven familiars this year.

- Seven? - Yeah, remember Joey?

No, my dear, I'm not that familiar.

No, don't you remember?

His intestines came straight out of his bum.

- Oh, Joey. Yeah, yeah. - Mm.

Not much new with me. I've been spending

a lot more time in the upstairs bathroom.

But besides that, my summer's been pretty mellow and... Ooh.

There's this little guy.

Here. I've been trying to make friends with him all summer.

Don't be afraid. Come on in.

Oh, sh...

That's the tenth vampire I killed this month.

These vampire assassins keep trying to kill

Nandor, Nadja and Laszlo

ever since they escaped from the Vampiric Council.

I'm doing it to protect my master.

But I can't tell him I'm a vampire killer,

because then he'd have to kill me.

Guillermo, what are you doing?

- Dusting. - Well, can you dust more quietly please?

- I'm trying to sleep. - Okay.

I haven't slept in 72 hours. I've been eating

these chocolate- covered espresso beans.

They give you enough pep just to keep going

and just keep going, going, going and pretend...

- Ah! - Guillermo?

Someone's in here! Please don't open the door.

Did you make a messy toilet again?

I- I did. I- I had an accident. Whoopsie.

- Well, actually, I just wanted to... - No, Master, don't open...

Oh, Guillermo.

You should really drink more water.

Anyway, that is all in the past,

because we have finally found us a good one.

Topher, come in here!

- Look at this. - Tophie!

Your skull polish, madam.

- I'll be right outside. - There he goes.

Take care of business. Ooh.

Topher is an absolutely

"Bob's your money" spectacular familiar.

And his résumé

is impeccable.

It is. He is proficient in Excel.

And went to Lehigh.

Now, my wife and I have not a whore's notion

what any of that means.

But we like it.

Need any help with that, G- Money?

Nah, I got it.

It's like my father used to say.

"Never accept a towel from an Italian."

- Yeah. Topher. - Very true, darling.

- Master. - Watching you stretch

your young body across that fireplace,

- you know who you remind me of? - Who, Master?

Me.

Bring it in.

You're the best.

- Guillermo! Guillermo! - Y- Yes, Master?

Yes?

I dragged my cape through a street doo- doo again.

I dragged it for three blocks before I noticed

and I'm embarrassed to say I dragged it

for another eight blocks after that.

- Why did you do that, Master? - Well, I thought it would help,

you know, drag the doo- doo off.

- Anyway, take care of it please. - Hey, uh,

- you want me to fly in with the assist? - No!

That actually is a- a lot of shit on it.

This is a good solo job for Guillermo.

But thank you for the hustle, Topherino!

Look out.

- Hustle...? - I don't think so.

- It looks fantastic in here. - Doesn't it?

- I could watch him clean all day. - Yes.

All right, I'm glad to hear you say that.

Uh- huh.

All right.

All right! Bye, Bobby.

It's my little side hustle.

I'm a 0.5 percent owner in this dope new line of hard ciders.

- It's called Doze Apples Hard Cider. -

That's clever, 'cause it- - they're made with apples.

Apple flavoring,

- we have to say. - Do Laszlo and Nadja

- know about this? - Eh.

What they don't know can't hurt them.

- Am I right? High five. - I...

- Come on, dawg. Don't leave me hanging. - I don't know. Just...

- With our job... - Dawg. Don't leave me hanging, dawg.

- And we're just... - Dawg. Don't leave me hang...

- I just think that... - No, give me a better one, dawg.

- I just think... - Again, high five!

Oh, yeah. High five.

I feel like there's a way

to be cool... which you are, you're very cool...

- Thank you. - ...and also, respectful, you know?

You need to let them know

that you are worthy of being turned into a vampire someday.

- Which is why we're here. - To be honest,

I don't really care about being a vampire.

I'm sorry, what?

Yeah, yeah, I was very surprised

that Topher does not want to be a vampire.

Who doesn't want to be a vampire?

What are you doing if you don't...

- What- what do you want to be? - I don't know.

Maybe a warlock.

- That'd be cool. - That would be cool.

That's, like, above vampire.

Alla- kazoom!

And it would explode or something.

He's still learning. He's still finding himself.

He'll get there.

So, these are like money.

You go to any store that sells Doze Apples Hard Cider,

pay for the cider with real money, but then,

you mail in this card to the address there on the back.

And I can explain this whole process

as I'm handing these out?

Oh, yeah. Sometimes more than once.

You know, if you want, you can drain me right now.

I'm, like, firing on all four cylinders, you know?

You can crunch up as much as you want. I can make some more.

Yeah, I want to, Topher,

but I'm having a pickle of a time draining you.

I know. I'm sorry, Mr. Robinson.

Like, I know you're trying to bore me- -

Hang on.

Come on in.

The stuff that you tell me is just so interesting.

You know?

Sue me.

- Who was at the door? - I don't know.

Unbelievable. Topher?

Topher, did you happen to let two vampires into the house?

- Hey, hang on, dawg. - Look, there's a couple rules you need to follow.

- I know you're new, okay, but... - Sorry, just, uh,

conferencing with this guy I used to intern for,

this dope werewolf- - You might know him, actually.

First of all, werewolves are not dope, so I wouldn't know him.

- Uh, this guy's pretty dope. - No.

Look, I don't mean to be hard on you, but it's important

you follow the rules for everyone's safety.

Do me a favor and stay away from the koi pond.

I think there's an electrical short from the heater, so just

- stay away from it... - Have you tried turning it off and back on again?

No, just don't touch it, Topher, okay?

- The electric guy's gonna be here on Monday. - Always works for me.

So just leave it alone...

Yeah. I'm sad that Topher died.

Another familiar dead, you know?

But... that's the business.

I'm used to it.

That's bad, right?

Death comes for us all.

It comes for the bees.

It comes for the trees.

It comes for, uh, basically anyone from zero on up,

so... one...

Are you kidding?

...two, three, four.

Put a cork in it, Colin Robinson.

- We're weak enough as it is. - Perhaps there is

- a familiar killer on the loose? - What?

Well, I was just thinking, you know,

if there are vampire killers,

then why not familiar killers, also?

There's no such thing as vampire killers, you knob lord.

- Well... - What was that, Guillermo?

I'm just saying that it wouldn't hurt

to be more cautious and alert.

Enough of this!

This is horse piss. We are vampires.