A Very Harold & Kumar Christmas

Oh, ha, ha. Well, I'll definitely be getting you that bicycle.

And I'll see what I can do about your parents' ugly divorce, Caren.

All right. Merry Christmas!

- Who's next? - Santa!

Kumar, no! Merry--

Back of the line, tech support!

- Is this a joke? Hold the fuck on.

Your son can rub his ass on Santa's cock in a minute.

- What do you want for Christmas? That's a really good question.

- Snoopy Sno-cone Machine. - Done.

- And a DeLorean. - Yes.

Wu-Tang to get back together.

I'll tell the elves.

This is just for my stockings.

- For my present-- - Hey!

Meet me at my sleigh in half an hour, okay?

You got it. Merry Christmas, Santa.

- Ooh. Bong. - Oh!

Right in the sugar plums.

Okay. On the menu today, we have:

Winter Wonder Weed.

We have Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer.

Oh, it's a Weederful Life.

God, does everything have to be about Christmas?

Hey, some people like the holidays.

I had Hanukkah Hash, but the kids from Temple Shalom Immanuel cleaned me out.

What is this? "Kwanzaa Cookout."

A little more expensive.

This is like Duvalier Dank from October.

- I'll take it. - Oh. Hello, gentlemen.

Mm.

- Shit. - What?

You have anything to smoke out of?

Wall Street sucks! Wall Street sucks!

Wall Street sucks! Wall Street sucks!

Ah, Mr. Lee? I'm here.

Wait...

...more protesters?

Do they really think we care what poor people think?

Kenneth, it's Christmas.

They're out of work. You'd be upset too.

Let's see how you did on your assignment.

I think I found the absolute best gift for your father-in-law.

And, Mr. Lee, I think you're gonna be really pleased.

Ow.

Oh, my God.

Hi.

This is a Sharp...

...52" Aquos Quattron TV...

...with state-of-the-art 3D technology...

...that makes Avatar look Avatar-dad.

I don't know. Hasn't the 3D thing jumped the shark by now?

Mr. Lee, you don't understand.

This is the best 3D you've ever seen.

It's gonna be amazing!

Who are you looking at?

Mr. Lee!

Want me to call you a cab...

...a town car, a limo? It's not safe...

- ...out there. - No, thanks, Kenneth.

I got a buddy picking me up.

One more thing! Merry Christmas to you...

...Harold, and Happy New Year!

Hey, over there.

We got another one.

Don't worry, Mr. Lee. I'll distract them.

Hey...

...angry protesters! I just got a huge Christmas bonus...

...so you can suck my rich, yellow...

...dick!

Get him!

Dude!

Open the door!

Unh. Thank God you're here.

I thought those hippies were gonna kill you.

Shoo! Shoo! Shoo, shoo, shoo!

Just drive. Todd, drive.

No, no, no! No, no, no!

Oh, great.

Now we're getting tinkled on.

-It's just urine. It'll wash out. - Oh, Harry.

Tinkle on the windshield is the grossest thing...

...that has ever happened to me.

Ugh.

It smells like shit in here.

Hey...

- ...neighbor. - Hey, man.

What's up? What are you--?

You're here a little early. You didn't go to the bathroom?

No, Why?

I made a mess.

Right. Don't talk about it.

What the hell's going on?

Relax. It's not what it looks like.

Unless it looks like I rent your bathroom for homeless people to shit in.

Then it's what it looks like.

The fuck?

It's the coffee at the shelter.

It's powerful, man.

Merry Christmas and a happy New Year.

Okay, next, please. Move.

No. Hey, no.

I was gonna split the profits with you...

...which at a buck a dump, comes out to be 40 bucks.

- I don't wa-- Seriously, 40 bucks? - Yeah.

Oh. That reminds me. Remember that chick I met on the Internet?

- The one with the huge clit? - No, not Clitzilla.

- I'm talking about Mary. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The Virgin Mary.

Yes, exactly. Well, get this. She wants me...

...to deflower her.

Tonight. Christmas Eve.

At a party she's throwing in Manhattan. Best part:

- You're coming with me. - No can do, man.

I gotta stay here and smoke this weed, otherwise I won't get high.

Why not ask your roommate?

Because you're the best. I don't wanna go with him.

I already asked him. He said no. He's spending Christmas...

...with his stupid girlfriend.

Mm. This is what happens. They get a girlfriend...

...then they get married...

...then you never hear from them again.

Fuck it, I'm in.

Yes.

What are we doing here, Harry?

You know what Dr. Oz says?

Guys our age need to watch...

- ...our cholesterol. - Yeah, I know.

I'm in for a really stressful weekend. I just needed some comfort food.

Don't get too comfortable. Keep your game face on for your father-in-law.

- Did you stock the fridge? - I did.

- With ethnic items that he might need? - I did.

- Did you Pledge the banister? - Check.

- Did you get the potpourri balls? - Yes.

Letting him have the master bedroom?

No.

Harry. Unh! No, no, no.

Might have S'ed the bed on that.

You can curse in front of me. Baby's not here.

I know. Force of habit. Just--

- Here you go. - Oh, thank you.

- That's a Mr. Pibb, Sprite, Diet Coke suicide? Correct.

- There you go. - Thank you, kind sir.

Oh, by the way, you got shit all over your car.

Thank you for the update. Don't appreciate the language.

Everybody's got a potty mouth these days.

It is a G-D shame.

And they'll burn in H.

Wow, the Jewish neighbors must hate this.

Well, Harry. Harry.

You have outdone yourself.

If you knew Maria's dad...

...you'd pull out all the stops too.

Has not accepted you as part of the family?

No, not yet. But he's a huge fan of Christmas. I'm hoping when he sees...

...all the work, he appreciates it.

Oh, so smart.

- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.

Oh. Jinx.

You always do that. You keep doing it. It's crazy.

Okay, I'll Skype you later or text you.

Or both.

Maria!

Oh, hi there. Somebody's looking...

...uh, very merry today.

Somebody is also...

...ovulating.

Um...

Your dad is gonna be here any minute, though. Honestly, that's--

- Baby. Then let's get to it. - Oh!

Because when they get here...

...we are going to have no private time.

I don't know if we should.

Now, come on and fuck a baby into me.

Okay, I will.

Two-hander. Okay. Ha-ha-ha.

If it's a baby I gotta give you, it's a baby you're gonna get.

Shit.

Go. Go.

Be cool.

Carlos, Merry Christmas.

Hello, Harold.

You made the drive in record time. Didn't speed, did you?

Empanadas?

Where's Maria?

She's upstairs...

...getting ready-

Can I get you a beer?

What the hell is that?

She caught your eye, huh? Ha, ha.

This is our Christmas tree.

Is it fake'?

It's faux, actually.

You celebrating real Christmas...

...or a faux Christmas?

Real Christmas?

Then why the hell would you buy a faux tree?

It's an investment, really.

Daddy.

Daddy!

God.