The Simpsons

What, too soon?

Aah!

D'oh!

Avast there.

It be too late to alter course, matey.

And there be pirates lurking in every cove.

Get to the ride.

Did they get a picture?

Welcome to our first-ever night of dramatic scenes

written by our students.

Should we silence our cell phones and pagers?

No, no, no, please, I beg you, leave them on.

An-And here-here's some candy to unwrap.

And now, an new scene from the CW's Riverdale.

Jughead, there's been a murder at Pop's Chock'lit Shoppe

and it's up to us kids to solve it.

I can't deal with that right now.

My dad's in jail and the only way to get him out

is to try drugs.

We're both pregnant with Big Moose's babies.

Wait. So this is a play based on a YouTube

of kids playing a video game?

- That's right. - It's about time.

Okay, to get their chug jugs, I could snipe these guys out

one by one, but the smarter move is to plant a charge

at the base of their attack platform

and skull-splat 'em when they land.

Hey, guys, if you want more game hacks like this,

be sure to smash our like button and subscribe to our channel.

Up next, night vision fails.

How is this a play?

Well, sir, video game walk-throughs

are the only narrative most of these kids have been exposed to.

- This is their Becket. - Who?

Are you Terry Bradshaw?

No. It's, uh, Donny Osmond.

Boner. Boner from Growing Pains.

You're all wrong. My real identity is...

Flavor Flav!

Flavor Flav? I've heard of you.

I've heard of you so much.

I am such a huge fan of your movies, books, or music.

I can also pretend to be impressed.

The end.

Wake up. Lisa's next.

Oh, no, please. I'm having the best dream.

I was in my warm, cozy grave.

Well, I'm gonna dream about me in a soft, cuddly crypt.

- Yeah... - Ah...

Amazingly, this next piece is not based on something

you watch on your phone or a gas pump,

but is actually an honest-to-goodness play,

by Lisa "Thank God You're a Throwback" Simpson.

And so I give you

Long Day's Journey Into Light Beer.

Where's my beer, Marjorie?

I spent all day making sure this beer was cold.

Aah! I make bad choices.

Lisa's really nailed the Hibberts.

Uh, yo, dude, my catchphrases

are as outdated as my slingshot.

Ay, caramba!

Oh, Mom, it's so hard being a straight-A student

with a social conscience who writes amazing plays.

The only stable thing in this house is you,

making every day the same as the last.

Exactly the same.

Like the coffee maker says,

things will perk up.

I thought you were the coffee maker.

You can learn a lot from percolators.

Make the most of the daily grind.

The mother character is such a snooze.

Ralph has nothing to play against.

They think I'm boring.

This play is about us!

Today I decided to be a race car driver,

so I was, then I quit.

I also have exciting news.

I converted four soap slivers

into practically a new bar.

Is this how the world sees me... as a...

How do the kids say lame-o these days?

We say lame-o, you lame-o.

Suck, suck. And I felt like the ghost

belonging to the fog.

And the fog was the ghost of the sea.

Suck, suck.

You really think I'm that boring?

Lisa, you made someone feel sad,

which is not what a drama about a family is supposed to do.

Marge, could we get a picture?

Okay.

So all the generations...

Boring. They think I'm boring.

I'll show them who's boring.

Now, this morning, Marge Simpson has insistently volunteered

to read a passage.

She says she's gonna bring her own spin to it.

Now, a reading from John, 18:38,

between Pontius Pilate and Jesus.

Marge! Marge! Marge!

Hey-a Jesus,

what's a matter for you?

You saying youse a king?

He was Roman, that's why I'm doing the accent.

Anyhoo, Jesus answered, and I think it might have gone

something like this.

I'm not a king, I'm a carpenter.

A Jewish carpenter.

The only thing I nail are my SATs.

So then, Pontius says to the elders,

"This-a Jesus, he-a look like a nice-a guy."

Nobody talk-a like-a that.

I make a nice-a sentence.

Just like-a Mama used to construct.

- Oh... - Can we just hear Lovejoy's sermon, please?

Yeah, Marge, read the room.

Mm...

You need this more than we do, lady.

Boring. That's what this straight-A Girl Scout

has become... boring.

You just had a near-death experience.

That's exciting.

Whoo! What a rich life you lead, Mom.

I'm going to bed.

That will really turn around your boring reputation.

Shh.

Don't worry, Homer, I'll chop the wood.

Like always.

I have to do everything.

Even chop the trees.

- Hyah! - Whoa!

Hyah!

Hyah!

Mmm. I know where she can put that chopping to good use.

Homer's neck?

No. He doesn't have one. Something better.

Lower your right hand. Gives you more power.

Hmm.

Thanks, um...

Paula. Friend of Patty's.

We met at Burning Woman.

Nice job on that wood.

I helped.

Yeah, you helped, all right.

You helped that hammock kiss the ground.

D'oh.

Marge, I don't know if you know this,

but I'm a top-level contender at Timbersports.

That's so interesting.

How does it feel to be magnificent?

I'll show you.

That is a fascinating hobby.

Timbersports is more than a hobby.

It's an unpaid passion that you do in your spare time.

Now, we're going to the woods.

Ah.

- What are you doing? - Breathing.

Breathing for the first time in my life.

Ah.

Can I do one thing

for the knots in your shoulders?

Sure.

Aah... Ooh, ooh! Ooh!

Not so... Oh.

Now, to motivate your chopping,

think of things that make you mad.

Oh, nothing really makes me mad.

Mom, Lisa won't stay on her side of the thought bubble.

You have five seconds to live.

So do you, idiot. We're in the same bubble.

My final words are Lisa sucks!

She's a natural.

Ooh, ooh...

Ooh, ooh...

I'm Chip Bunyan, eh, and welcome

to the Springfield Timbersports Pro-Am.

I'm here with former NBA analyst Anger Watkins.

Timbersports. Timber sports?

I snap one P.A.'s bra strap, and this is where I land?

Who is the Lebron of this thing? No one will tell me.

His name is Matt Cogar.

Is his nickname The Cougar?

No, his nickname is Matt.

Matt isn't a nickname.

It's a name name.

I'd storm out of here right now

if I weren't so terrified of squirrels.

Take my money! Take it!

I'm glom found a passion,

but I wish she didn't have to kill all those trees.

I read that trees are the cause of global warming.

Where'd you read that?

My new fourth grade science book.

And they're off, displaying lots of forest gumption, eh?