Suburgatory

Since I had started dating Ryan Shay,

I had learned a couple of things...

one... he required 30 grams of animal protein at every meal.

And two... his after-school schedule

- was as tight as his abs. - (Mouth full) No, I can't do Wednesday.

Wednesday I've got wrestling.

Okay. Thursday?

Circuit training.

Then I have modeling, jump rope club,

- nude modeling. - Fine.

What does your Friday look like?

Mmm.

Mm! Boy band practice.

Wow.

Seems like you got a pretty full plate.

Yeah.

I need 30 grams of animal protein

at every single meal.

No, I meant to say that your days

are totally and completely booked.

They're overbooked.

Well, I'm sure yours are, too.

You probably have tons of awesome after school activities.

No, yeah, totally. I do. (Thud)

Tons.

I had nothing going on

and was in danger of being pathetic.

I needed an after-school activity of my own.

Attention, lunch eaters.

The critically criticized Chatswin high TV network

is looking for a qualified producer

with no previous qualifications...

I have no previous qualifications.

To oversee our hard-hitting call-in show, "Teen Talk."

I'm a teen. I love to talk.

Any interested parties should contact me

- at their earliest... - Hello, Tessa.

Meanwhile, George was busy with a new hobby of his own...

indulging Dallas Royce.

Oh, my gosh, George!

You're like the Joy Behar of cabana design.

So? What do you think? You like it?

- Like it? - Yeah.

- I love it. - Yeah?

Think of all the cabana parties I can now throw.

And think of all the cabana boys I can employ.

You know I love to employ people, George.

Would you consider employing a balcony?

Well, who in their right mind wouldn't want a balcony?

That's like asking if you want fries with that.

The answer is always, always "yes."

(Gasps)

Paint the background...

Tessa. Welcome aboard.

Let me take you on a grand tour of our facilities.

That's the chair.

That is a phone.

Well, I hope I can remember where everything is.

Mr. Wolfe, Ms. Altman,

talent just called. Our host, Evan Spaghetti,

says he's not coming in, okay?

The show goes live in five, and we don't have a host.

What's wrong with Evan?

His pediatrician says exhaustion.

Okay, th... this is real!

It's not a drill, all right?! Everyone, places! Go time!

What do we do now?

Well, don't look at me.

You're the new producer of "Teen Talk."

Where would you like me to look? I...

Study Hall! I forgot about Study Hall.

It's a completely useless class.

It's like they want us to cut it and make out.

So do you wanna?

Ryan, right now I'm in the middle of managing a crisis.

Tessa! You're a genius. He's absolutely perfect.

I'm sorry. I'm seeing someone already.

Um, no, he means you're perfect to host "Teen Talk" today.

Our host called in sick.

You want me to bail you out?

- Well, when you put it like that way... - yes!

Okay. We'll make out later!

* last night I had a pleasant nightmare *

I like cantaloupe. I do,

but... it doesn't infuse water the way a berry will.

Taste for yourself. It didn't infuse.

- For me it did. - It didn't.

- I taste it. - You don't.

- Tastes like melon. - You're a filthy liar.

Hey.

Hi.

Hey, you wanna hear somethin' funny?

You wanna taste somethin' funny?

Melon water. Tastes like nothin'.

So I went to pull the permits on the cabana,

and it appears that after looking at some zoning maps,

58% of your property

is on the East Chatswin side of the border.

Isn't that funny?

Technically, you live in East Chatswin. (Silverware clatters)

What?

What the hell are you trying to do to me, George?

Whoa, baby, it's... it's not that big of a deal.

It's just a technicality. Come on. Doesn't matter.

Oh.

Sort of looking... like it matters.

So apparently, Evan usually opens the show

with a funny anecdote.

Do you know any funny anecdotes?

Babe, I got this.

Whoa.

I mean, what do you mean, you "got this"?

I'm just gonna talk about my body.

People love it when I talk about my body.

Ryan, no, don't talk about your body.

People do not wanna hear you talk about your body.

- We're on in five... four... - They do. (Mouths words)

Three... (Mouths words)

*

I was sure he wasn't going to talk about his body.

There's no way he was going to talk about his body.

Hi. I'm Ryan Shay,

and I'm here to talk about my body.

Please call in with your questions and compliments.

Lines are open.

Tessa! Look. The phones work.

I thought they were just props. (Lines ringing)

And we've got caller number one.

- Yes. - (Girl, breathily) Hi. Body?

Please talk to my glutes. They're all ears.

It was official...

Dallas Royce was no longer a citizen of Chatswin.

But it wasn't just Dallas

who would suffer the consequences.

Yakult Royce? (Whines)

I'm sorry, Yakult.

Your membership has been revoked.

I get it.

No!

Come on. Come on, guys, is this really necessary?

Wait! This is all a big mistake!

Here's your dog... (Gasps)

and here is your complimentary

"you're no longer one of us" gift basket.

Please don't do this!

I am one of you! This isn't right.

Ooh, but this hand cream is amazing.

Dalia Royce.

I've been informed

that you are no longer a Chatswin resident.

Therefore, you can no longer attend Chatswin High.

'Kay.

Clear out your locker,

and prepare to be relocated to East Chatswin High.

'Kay.

You may take a moment to say good-bye to your friends.

'Kay. I'm good.

Very well.

Mr. Wolfe, is this... for real? This is unbelievable.

Almost as unbelievable

as the overnights I just got on "Body Talk."

"Body Talk"?

You heard me, sister. "Teen Talk" is dead.

- What? - That's right, Spaghetti.

Wolfie, baby, let's talk this thing over.

You made me change my name to "Spaghetti."

You're yesterday's news.

The ratings on "Body Talk" were through the roof.

That is impossible.

The numbers don't lie. The show got a 19,

but a 25 in the 17-to-18 demo.

- What are you talking about? - What does the 25 mean?

It means 25 people watched it.

That's huge.

"Teen Talk" had only ever gotten a 2,

and that was just me and Chef Alan.

Well, I'm happy Ryan did well.

Just keep doing what you're doing.

What?

I always knew that someday, Ryan would be the star

of a call-in show about his body.

I just... I didn't think you'd be the one producing it.

To be honest, I always thought it'd be Seacrest.

Okay.

Baby?

Let's go inside.

I'm not going inside, George.

Inside that house is East Chatswin.

Okay, you're... you're being crazy.

It's still your house.

It's practically a crack den.

Nope, George, nope. I'm staying in here.

Here's got everything

an upscale, single gal like myself needs.

I can charge my phone,

use the tan roof to get some sun,

and if I'm drinking four different beverages,

there's four beverage holders.

Inside that house,

zero beverage holders, George. Zero.