Glee

So here's what you missed on Glee ...

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Who the hell is Patty Simcox?

And neither is Jake because Ryder got Danny

and Marley got Sandy. Unique's paying Rizzo,

which totally confused Principal Figgins.

Unique Adams is nothing more than an attractive, buxom young

woman who has got it going on in all the right places.

She's a brick house, Sue.

And Blaine's the Teen Angel,

and he's totally broken up about breaking up with Kurt.

Sue's out for Finn, because called her baby retarded.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that.

And now he's gonna take over Glee Club

because Will's going to Washington on sabbatical.

And that's what you missed on Glee.

All right, guys, listen up.

I have an announcement to make.

Adele is dd. No.

I have been asked to join

a blue ribbon panel

to rewrite the arts curriculum nationwide.

Wow! Congratulations. Thank you.

I'll be taking a short sabbatical,

which means I'm leaving McKinley at the end of the week.

What? This is crazy.

But Glee Club is your life.

Which is why this is only temporary.

I'll be back right after sectionals.

Wait... after sectionals?! Whoa!

I mean, it's not like we know.

Guys, guys, calm down.

Look, I knew I needed to find a replacement,

which is why I brought in Finn Hudson.

Mr. Shue, Finn cannot take over Glee Club.

He doesn't know what he's doing at all.

Sorry, Finn.

Guys, I know I can do this.

And I've got some really great ideas for sectionals.

We'll all be dead by then! Tina.

Finn doesn't know how to direct

a musical! No, that's fine.

No, we can't win without him.

Who's going to drive the bus?

Finn Hudson, Schuester.

Figgins' office, right now.

I-I don't even understand how you found out.

Oh, William, I have the choir room bugged.

That plaque with the dead fat lady on it...

her eyes are cameras. Okay, Sue,

this is none of your business, and besides, I've already

cleared this with Figgins, so, I don't see what the problem is.

Will, of course, you don't, because this is just

another one of your ill-conceived,

bizarrely sentimental schemes

that displays absolutely no forethought

and appears immediately ridiculous

to everyone in America except you.

Finn Hudson barely graduated high school

less than six months ago,

he has no bachelor's degree, nor the certification

to teach in the state of Ohio.

Sue, Glee Club is not a class.

It an extracurricular activity.

Which is why it is perfectly legal

for Finn to volunteer his talents temporarily.

I promise, this is the right thing to do.

I can take this glee club to sectionals,

and I know we can win. I'll work just as hard

as Mr. Shue does, and do it all for free.

Okay, let me just remind everyone of something.

For the past year, I have shown the glee club mercy,

and this school has enjoyed

an unprecedented era of peace,

but ifloaty the Gravy Clown

is allowed to take over Glee Club,

my denté with the art in this school

will be over.

Hey!

You're a menace to the State of Ohio!

Alright people,

since your egregious ineptitude

is making me lose my will to live, I decided

to bring in some of my best upperclassmen

to help you up your game.

Let's partner up.

We're going to go across the floor.

Let's start with some jetés.

Hey. Hey, how are you?

Haven't seen you much the last.

How have you been? I'm good. You know, up and down.

Now that Finn and

are officially-officially broken up,

I feel like I can just

focus on really why I came to New York,

which is my work. Good.

Use the floor, ladies. Speaking of work,

guess who go to the first Off-Broadway play audition?

What?

I know. I'm really excited.

Watch your shoulder.

So, do you know the director

Ivan van Hoven? Yeah.

He's doing this, like, amazing

avant-garde production of The Glass Menagerie.

It's going to be, like, set in a zoo,

and so, he's looking for just a fresh face

to play his Laura Wingfield.

Wow, great role.

But you're too hot play Laura.

So, I'm going to be spending the week just getting off book.

Hey, some advice.

You're not ready for Ivan.

You're not tough enough yet. You don't have enough wounds.

Look, I auditioned for him for ***,

and he made me recite my monologue in a slip,

standing on one foot,

pouring tomato juice all over myself.

Skip it, Schwimmer.

Ivan will eat you alive.

I can take it.

And look, I was thinking, maybe you should

audition, too. For Amanda Wingfield.

You mean the faded Southern belle who spends her haggy,

I thought that you maybe might want

to get back in the game.

Juniors, take five.

Freshmen... I don't know... just, honey, do something.

Brody, sidebar.

I'm looking for a new TA

I think you'd be perfect,

but it's going to mean a lot of late nights,

lot of time at the school,

you're going to have to help me prep lessons...

Yeah, it-it doesn't matter. I'm... I'm I.

Good decision. We'll start this weekend.

Uh, actually could we... could we start on Monday?

I-I promised Rachel that I would help her out.

Yeah. I understand.

Start next week.

Okay, hold on and suck in.

I am.

I don't understand. This fit yesterday.

Maybe it's stress bloating.

I get it all the time. Hey.

Tina.

I love it so much.

I promise I won't pee in it.

I'm here for my fitting. Where is Harajuku Girl?

I thought you quit because your part was too small.

Well, Spraed Hawk Nose, to quote Shakespeare,

"There's no small parts, only fat actresses."

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I just say "fat?"

I was distracted by Marley's

unfortunate and very noticeable weight gain.

I swear, I'm not eating any differently.

How is this happening?

I usually don't believe

in the lamestream media's definition of "science,"

but it just makes sense

that your metabolism is grinding to a halt.

You're getting the body you were destined to have.

I had to accept how I am.

I spend almost every weekend alone

because everyone just assumes that the popular girl's busy.

I'm doing this play because I could use some friends.

Real ones.

So, in the spirit of Grease, I thought it would be good way

for us to get to know each other, if we had a sleepover.

Sleepover?

Tomorrow night, my place. Just us girls.

Can I come?

I'm not going if Unique's not invited.

Please? Ladyboy can come.

Yes. But if I catch you hiding your dinky between your legs

and prancing around like Silence of the Lambs, you're out.

Rough day at Rydell High?

Mom, when did yo?

Big?

Well, I battled my weight all through high school.

And when your daddy and I had you,

and I thought that it would fix everything

that was wrong between us, and it didn't,

that's when I started eating and didn't stop.

Why are you asking me this?

I didn't fit into my Sandy costume again.

Every time I try it on, it just gets tighter.

So, I thought maybe...

it's starting to happen to me.

You know, my...

my genetics.

I didn't raise a victim or a quitter.

I raised a star.

You have control over your life and your body.

And you are thin and beautiful.

But you won't stay that way

unless you fight for.

So, starting now,

we are on a strict new diet.