Mike & Molly

People have a year to give you a wedding present.

Shouldn't we get a year to thank 'em?

That sounds suspiciously like your theory

for not taking down the Christmas lights.

Hey, in the summer months, I may look

like a lazy load, but the day after Thanksgiving,

I'm the neighborhood go-getter.

What's cute is that you actually believe that.

Another one? Come on...

I told you we have a limited amount

of classy thank-you cards. Then we're down

to kittens in a basket saying, "Thank mew""

I spelled "beautiful" wrong. You don't want me

to look like an idiot, do you?

I gave up that fight when you started

wearing tube socks and sandals.

I'm not gonna apologize for being comfortable.

And "beautiful" is the least of your problems here.

Fondue is not spelled with three "O"s.

It's a stupid gift anyway.

Always dropping the little forks,

then you got to stick your hand in the hot cheese.

No, you don't have to. You choose to.

Well, maybe I'd do better

if I had one of those little desks like you got.

Well, when we used our Brookstone gift card,

you should've gotten one instead of your

battery-operated back scratcher.

Hey, that was a smart purchase.

Besides, that baby is way more efficient

than the manual kind.

What are you talking about, the spatula

or the big tree in the backyard?

Must be 10:00.

Mom and Vince's Blue Pill Express

is pulling into the station.

Ah, it used to bother me,

but now I can't fall asleep without it.

It's like ocean sounds.

It's like two old boats banging hulls.

It's not...

Oh, God! Oh, my God!

It shouldn't last too much longer.

He ate, like, three big plates of spaghetti.

Hurry!

I think I broke Vince.

Great. Now we can't return him.

What, are you developing film?

Oh, what happened?

I threw my back out.

That's what you get for doing it on the floor.

We weren't doing it on the floor.

We're not animals.

Yeah, we were doing it reverse prairie dog style

and I slipped on a strawberry.

That's what happened to the strawberries.

Well, we should take him to the emergency room.

No, no doctors. I just need bed rest

and some Korean mamasan to make jumpy-jumpy on my spine.

Well, lift him up and get him onto the bed. JOYCE: Wait, wt, wait.

He's covered in coconut oil.

I wondered why I was craving a Mounds bar.

Just grab a couple tufts

of back hair and use it as a handle.

There's still an hour

left on the Viagra, so for God's sake,

don't roll me over on my stomach.

Oh, hey, Mom.

Oh, morning.

Where are you going?

Yoga class.

These ankles don't put themselves behind my head.

What about Vince? What about him?

Is he gonna be okay? He's fine.

I gave him one of my Percocets, he's sleeping like a baby.

At least I think it was a Percocet.

Maybe it was an estrogen pill.

Well, if his boobs get any bigger, we'll know, right?

Mom?

Mom?

Careful. Watch my head.

Shut up and quit squirming.

You're lucky I found you.

Did you wash your hands after you got off the dumper?

'Cause I don't want to get pinkeye.

What is going on?

I found him curled up on the floor

outside the bathroom. Waited out there

for 20 minutes while Sir Craps-A-Lot

sat on his throne.

The doctor told me not to push.

Did he tell you to stuff your musket

with the occasional bran muffin?

Hey, I have increased my fiber significantly.

It takes a couple days to get the troops moving.

- Okay, boys, enough shop talk. - Sorry.

Sometimes he really gets under my skin.

Like there's any room under there.

You, shut up; and you, don't engage him.

Could you at least turn me the other way?

What's the difference?

I'm Italian.

We like to face the door.

My hunch is the bullet that gets you

is coming from inside the house.

Just relax. Mom will be home in a couple of hours.

I'm starving.

Could one of you make me some oatmeal?

Maybe a nice Denver omelet?

Don't look at me. I'm late for work.

This whole "not pushing" thing

has really thrown off my schedule.

Mike.

Sorry.

Oatmeal, no omelet.

Just the oatmeal. Okay.

But I don't like my oats too dry or too soupy.

I like 'em just right.

I'm the baby bear.

That's me eating lunch

right outside the Louvre in Paris.

Is that where they got the Mona Lisa?

I don't know, I didn't go in.

But while I was waiting for Molly,

I had the best crepe of my life.

And I have had my share of crepes.

You've had everybody's share of crepes.

Now, did you grow a mustache while you were there?

Some of it's mustache.

Most of it's Nutella.

Mmm.

What's that you're eating under the Eiffel Tower?

A fresh baguette with salami and cheese.

Don't let the simplicity fool you.

It was a game-changer.

Is that all you did,

was walk around eating crepes and sandwiches?

Of course not. It was Paris.

Ignoring the croissants would be criminal.

They had this one,

it was filled with either peach or apricot...

I got a picture somewhere.

Man, I don't need photographic proof that you eat.

Your burps paint a picture all day long.

You know, I really didn't gain much weight, though.

'Cause Paris is a walking city.

Yeah, you just stroll

the cobblestone streets for hours.

Must've been quite a sight, with all those food carts

and stray dogs following you around.

Ah, Gay Paree.

Beautiful "City of Lights."

I can still hear it calling my name.

And it's probably saying, "Mike, your order is ready."

What is... what is that you are eating outside of Notre Dame?

It looks like a pig's head.

It is a pig's head.

Nothing goes to waste there.

Yeah, not with you in town.

Oh, before I forget...

Thank you.

And thank you.

What is this?

Thank-you cards for your thoughtful

and useful wedding gifts.

Oh, no, you don't!

I want this mailed to me.

Don't be ridiculous, just take it.

Hey, I sweated over finding you the perfect gift,

and I expect to find a proper thank-you in the mailbox.

Come on, you're gonna make me go through all that?

You poor man.

First you have to unwrap all of those gifts,

and now you have to lick a stamp.

Just pretend it's gelato.

Oh, I didn't even show you the gelato pictures.

Now, the setting is the Arc de Triomphe,

the flavor is café de leche.

Hello? Did someone come home?

I'm in the downstairs can,

and I'm in a bit of a pickle.

Come on! I heard keys jingling.

I know it's you, Molly.

I smell butter rum Life Savers.

Damn it.

Where's Mom? She went AWOL.

You're all I got, Butter Rum.

What dyou need?

Toilet paper or magazine?

If it's toilet paper, use a magazine.

Please, just help me.

All right. Here I come.

Are you decent? Yes. Hurry.

This better not...

No!

You are naked! You lied to me!

I had to.

I'm in survival mode.

Help me out of this tub. The water's ice cold.

Which explains why Mr. Turtle is in his shell.