Cougar Town

I made it!

I-I could only get a flight to Denver, so I...

rented a car.

I drove 14 hours straight, peed in a cup, but I'm here.

- LA! - Tom wasn't here?

Uh, let me get a round for everyone.

- Yeah! - Yeah! - Yeah! Tommy!

_

Should we go see the real sign?

It's a mile that way, but the cop said

in normal LA traffic it's like three hours.

Maybe we should just go see the "Labia" Tar Pits.

- What? - Nothing.

Always say it like that.

Hey, can a girl get a dollar for a lipstick?

I don't think a dollar's gonna do it.

Here. Here's a $20. Oh.

Thank you, sweetie.

I have that dress. This place makes me sad.

I found her! I found Tippi!

Hey, why do all these stars have names on them?

Oh, my God!

Is this a graveyard?

Are there a lot of actors buried underneath the sidewalk?

Oh! They're everywhere!

Honey, this is the Walk Of Fame.

Wow! Tippi Hedren.

She was my dream girl.

We were thinking of heading over to the "Labia" Tar Pits.

And if you like,

we can have Jules ask someone for directions.

I'd like to see that.

Looks like somebody's having fun.

Yeah! Robot man!

I wonder if he paints his junk, too.

- No, these guys don't, but Blue Man Group does. - Oh.

Don't ask. All right, let's go.

You're hot.

She's with me, tin man.

Ohh, still haven't kissed,

and now I got to battle a robot for your affection.

Which... by the way, has been a longtime fantasy of mine.

Wrote a graphic novel about it.

I know you're dying to tell me the name, but please don't.

Look, don't sweat the first-kiss thing.

I slipped the front desk a $20

so we could have adjoining rooms-- what, what?

"The Misadventures Of Tommy Saturn."

Oh, shut up!

Alone...

at last.

No, I am still mad.

La Brea Tar Pits-- it's very close to what I was saying.

I'm gonna make it up to you.

Get off my daughter.

Oh, good. Your dad's here.

- I gave him a key. - Awesome.

Hollywood didn't turn out to be quite what I thought.

Grayson actually lived here when he was trying to be an actor.

Yeah?

What was it like being a handsome, young buck

in Tinseltown?

- Mnh-mnh. - No. He's not gonna talk about it.

But we're pretty sure he did stuff for money.

This city takes things from you that you can never get back.

I always had this fantasy that I'd come to LA.

I'd be sitting in a bar,

listening to some great band play a romantic song,

drinking champagne.

Then, Tippi Hedren walks in.

And, damn, if she didn't come right over and say...

"Have you got an extra glass for me?"

So, I say, "For you... always."

And then, we end up dancing the night away.

Pretty silly, huh?

No, dad. I love it.

Oh, yeah.

It's show time, girls.

Hey, Tommy Saturn.

I have exciting news.

Hey.

Riggs didn't come, so I didn't bother to get my own room.

Holy banjo! Check out Boob Mountain.

Are those for my boy?

Well, this could not be any worse.

Give it a sec.

Holy moley, check out Boob Mountain!

Ohh.

- Hey, Boo. - Mm?

Will you go get me some pain killers from the concierge?

Why? What's wrong?

Nothing. We're on vacation.

And I need wine, too.

Ah, no problem, baby. We're in LA.

My people run this city.

I'll just use the Latino connection.

That is so not a thing.

It's a thing.

Yes, of course.

Javier. Que pasa, brother?

My wife needs a prescription for something.

Can you help me out?

I cannot, sir.

Huh?

The Latino connection.

It's not a thing.

Oh, come on!

_

_

- What? - Can't help you.

Sweetie, to be fair, you don't really read Latino.

Come on!

All right, guys... if you all didn't know me,

and you saw me walking down the street, what would you think I was?

A Super Mario brother.

- Lands' end model. - A bisexual bowler.

- A bald guy. - No! Latino!

- No. - No.

Well, that's a dumb game.

Anyway, now that we're all here,

I want to talk about what we're gonna do today.

Well, we're not swimming in the ocean,

unless you like ice-cold water that smells like a porta-potty.

The water in the Bahamas is like a bathtub.

I was just there.

- Dude! - Shut up, Tom! - I'm tired of you!

Well, maybe we could all go get new head shots done

and drop them off at a talent agency.

As a goof, I mean.

My dad was really sad last night,

so I was thinking we would go find Tippi Hedren for him.

Aww, that's so sweet.

That's a good idea.

Oh, I'm sorry. I meant right now.

- Oh. - Yes.

- Anytime. - Here we come.

Why did that waiter give me a weird look?

Perhaps because he's gay and you ordered an "LGBT" sandwich?

Yeah-- "lettuce, guacamole, bacon, tomato."

I think it's the state sandwich.

They have signs for it all over West Hollywood.

All right, Grayson and Laurie checked

with all the talent agencies,

and no one would tell them how to find Tippi Hedren

or Christina Aguilera.

What?

Laurie has a score to settle with her

over a bitch-slapping incident

that happened at Mouseketeer Tryouts.

Trav and Laurie, you hang with my dad.

Make sure he doesn't get down in the dumps.

I'm gonna go find Grayson, and we're gonna look for Tippi.

On it, J-Bird, and I have a genius idea

on how to find this actress.

Welcome to Hollywood star tours.

You are an idiot.

Hola, amigo. Que pasa?

Please.

Don't even pretend you see me as a Latino man.

Let's face it, Bobby.

You've never once prejudged me based on my ethnicity.

My bad. I'll try harder.

Our tour of the stars' homes will begin in a second,

but right now, our bus is blocked by that nice meth head

hassling German tourists for money.

Leave them alone, Carol! Nein!

This whole bus is a freak show.

Are you the lady from--

No, that's my sister.

Bababooey.

How come I don't feel like more of a third wheel?

I heard you two kids are trying to give it a go.

It's just really hard

to go from being regular friends to being...

...friends.

Look, if it's meant to be, fate will step in and make it happen.

A psychic once told my foster dad that she'd tell him his fate

if he gave her his credit-card info.

We had to move in to our station wagon.

Yeah. I don't think I really believe in fate, either.

Trust me.

Fate is real.

I met your grandmother 50 years ago on a train.

We talked for hours-- till I fell asleep.

When I woke up, she was gone.

I didn't even know her name.

One year later, I'm in a diner in the middle of nowhere

when she came in to get out of the rain.

I'll never forget the way she looked at me.

That was it.

That was fate.

Good God, I can land a moment.

My great-aunt said that Tippi's doing a Channing Tatum movie

on stage six.

Oh, was your great-aunt in the business or something?

- Uh, no, she's a stalker. - Oh.

- Ooh, cool. - Yeah.

Had Wesley Snipes over for Thanksgiving once.

I don't think he wanted to be there.

I can't believe I'm finally on a movie lot.