Meet Wally Sparks

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY VIDMARK ENTERTAINMENT

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY VIDMARK ENTERTAINMENT

SENATOR BOB DOLE SAYS...

TRASH TV IS THE BEACHHEAD OF CONTROVERSY...

INFINITY BACKS SHOCK JOCK HOWARD STERN...

GET THIS GARBAGE OFF THE AIR...

DECLINED TO COMMENT ON THE TV CENSORSHIP ISSUE...

CONTINUES HIS ATTACK ON TV TALK SHOWS...

HOWARD STERN...

TAKE THE TRASH OUT OF TALK SHOWS...

DEMEANING, EXPLOITATIVE, PERVERTED, DIVISIVE...

WHAT A GREAT AUDIENCE. WELCOME TO THE SHOW.

I HAVE A VERY UNUSUAL GUEST TODAY.

COWBOY PHIL AND HIS PIG...

WILD, WEIRD, AND WACKY...

HE INSISTED THAT HE COME DRESSED IN DRAG.

WHY?

AS A WOMAN, I AM FIERCE!

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!

WE'RE DISCUSSING THE PROBLEM OF NUDITY ON TELEVISION.

THEY JUST GOT BACK FROM LAS VEGAS,

AND THEY LOST THEIR SHIRT.

THEY LOST THEIR SHIRT. MAKE THEM HAPPY.

WHAT IS GOING ON?

OK, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THE TALK SHOW HOST YOU LOVE TO HATE...

WALLY SPARKS!

MEET...WALLY...SPARKS!

WALLY! WALLY! WALLY!

HEY, WHAT A CROWD! WHAT A CROWD!

I TELL YOU, I'M ALL RIGHT NOW,

BUT THIS MORNING I WAS IN ROUGH SHAPE, YOU KNOW?

YEAH, THIS MORNING I DID MY PUSHUPS IN THE NUDE.

I DIDN'T SEE THE MOUSETRAP.

TODAY I SAVED A GIRL FROM BEING ATTACKED.

I CHANGED MY MIND.

HONEY, IF YOU ARE JUST JOINING THIS SHOW, SIT DOWN!

RIGHT NOW, FOLKS, WE'RE GOING TO START OUR SHOW

WITH A SEGMENT CALLED "IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE."

OR AS MY EX-WIFE USED TO SAY,

"I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S HARD."

WHAT THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE'S DOING OUT THERE?

COME ON, GIRL, HOLD STILL.

ONE MORE COMPLAINT FROM THE F.C.C., AND HE'S HISTORY.

I MEAN, SHE WAS A WILD GIRL...

A VERY WILD GIRL!

Audience: HOW WILD, WALLY?

WHEN SHE MADE ME FRENCH TOAST,

HER TONGUE GOT CAUGHT IN THE TOASTER!

I MEAN, A WILD GIRL!

IN FACT, WHEN I MET HER,

SHE WAS DOING PUSHUPS IN HER CUCUMBER GARDEN.

HEY, AT LEAST THIS ISN'T THE WALLY SPARKS SHOW, YOU KNOW?

I'D LIKE TO HAVE ALL THE GIRLS WALLY TURNED DOWN.

OH, YEAH? I'D LIKE TO HAVE ALL THE GIRLS YOU TURNED OVER.

HA HA HA! OH!

OUR GUESTS TODAY ALL LIVE FAR BEYOND THE BORDERS OF NORMALCY.

EVERYBODY, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET...

THE MAN WHO HAS FALLEN IN LOVE WITH THE FAMILY DOG...

HARRY KARP AND QUEENIE.

NO WONDER ALL THE CRITICS ARE SAYING

TALK SHOWS ARE GOING TO THE DOGS.

HOW DID ALL THIS HAPPEN?

LAST WEEK HE BOUGHT HER THIS.

A COLLAR WITH 14 1-CARAT DIAMONDS.

IN ALL THE YEARS THAT WE WERE MARRIED,

HE NEVER BOUGHT ME ANYTHING LIKE THAT!

WELL, HONEY, MAYBE YOU'RE NOT DOING THE RIGHT TRICKS, YOU KNOW?

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO, SIT UP AND BEG?

WELL, IT'S BETTER THAN ROLLING OVER AND PLAYING DEAD

FOR THE PAST 15 YEARS.

OH, YOU'RE IMPOSSIBLE!

AND HE'S SAYS YOU'RE BEING A DOG, TOO.

HOW LONG DO YOU THINK THAT A RELATIONSHIP LIKE THIS WILL LAST?

IN DOG YEARS?

CALMLY AND WITHOUT SWEARING...

I HOPE THAT LITTLE BITCH GIVES YOU RABIES!

I TOLD YOU NEVER TO CALL HER THAT!

PLEASE, FOLKS, SETTLE DOWN!

AAH!

PLEASE!

EVERYBODY CALM DOWN!

NO FIGHTING!

GET HER OFF ME!

GET A DOG-CATCHER!

GET THE SECURITY GUYS.

NOT ANOTHER FIGHT!

HA HA HA! JEEZ, WALLY!

WALLY SPARKS?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I THINK ABOUT WALLY SPARKS!

WALLY SPARKS, WALLY SPARKS...

WHAT DO I THINK ABOUT WALLY SPARKS?

WALLY SPARKS IS A PAIN IN THE ASS.

WALLY SPARKS IS STILL ON TV?

HE'S STILL ALIVE?

I THOUGHT THOSE WERE JUST RERUNS.

SISKEL AND EBERT CAUGHT MY SHOW.

THEY GAVE ME ONE FINGER UP.

HE'S A HAS-BEEN! HE'S A NEVER-WAS! HE'S A WANNABE!

HE DOESN'T BEHAVE PROPERLY.

OBNOXIOUS, OVERBEARING IDIOT.

THE ONLY TROUBLE IS, I'M SITTING ON TOP OF THE WORLD,

AND I GOT HEMORRHOIDS.

I LIKE HIM, THOUGH, ACTUALLY.

I'VE SEEN HIM IN A BATHROBE, THOUGH.

WALLY SPARKS IS AN IDIOT...

AND HE'S A LOUSY LAY, TOO.

I THINK MEN LIKE THAT SHOULD BE LOCKED UP.

DON'T GO AWAY... WE'LL BE RIGHT... BACK.

STAY TUNED... WHEN WE COME BACK...

WE'RE GONNA TEACH YOU MARRIED MEN

HOW TO LOOK AT ANOTHER WOMAN'S ASS

WITHOUT YOUR WIFE NOTICING IT, OK?

WHEN WE COME BACK!

YOU KNOW, FOLKS, LATELY, WE'RE GETTING A LOT OF FLAK

FROM SOME OF OUR CONSERVATIVE AFFILIATES DOWN SOUTH,

ESPECIALLY IN ATLANTA.

IN FACT, GOVERNOR FLOYD PRESTON OF GEORGIA

RECENTLY SENT ME A LETTER TELLING ME WHAT HE THINKS OF THE SHOW.

HERE'S THE LETTER.

GOVERNOR PRESTON SAYS, "AS A DEVOTED FAMILY MAN,"

HE FEELS THAT THE WALLY SPARKS SHOW

"DEFIES CONVENTIONAL FAMILY MORALS."

HE SAYS I'M NOT DIGNIFIED

AND "NOT SUITABLE FOR PUBLIC CONSUMPTION."

WELL, GOVERNOR PRESTON, LET ME TELL YOU THIS.

I'VE BEEN CONSUMED BY THE PUBLIC MANY TIMES,

AND ONCE IN A WHILE, EVEN ENGULFED BY SOME.

AND YOU TALK ABOUT FAMILY DIGNITY?

WELL, GOVERNOR, I LOOKED UP YOUR FAMILY TREE,

AND 2 DOGS WERE USING IT.

I TELL YOU, GOVERNOR PRESTON'S FAMILY'S ALWAYS BEEN MIXED UP.

WHY, IN THE CIVIL WAR, HIS GREAT-GRANDFATHER,

HE FOUGHT FOR THE WEST.

I HATE THAT MAN.

NOW, GOVERNOR, DON'T YOU WORRY.

I SERIOUSLY DOUBT IF ANY OF YOUR SUPPORTERS WATCH THAT TRASH,

AND I'M QUITE SURE IT WILL NOT AFFECT THE VOTE.

DAMN! HARVEY, I DIDN'T WRITE THAT LETTER TO GET VOTES.

I WROTE IT BECAUSE AS A CONCERNED FATHER AND HUSBAND,

I DO NOT WANT MY FAMILY OR MY STATE OR MY COUNTRY

AFFECTED BY THAT MEDIA HOG WALLY SPARKS!

I--I UNDERSTAND THAT, SIR.

I'M SIMPLY SAYING--

HELL! IF I HAD MY WAY, THE MAN WOULD BE BANNED

FROM THE WESTERN HEMISPHERE ALTOGETHER.

THIS IS THE GOVERNOR.

DADDY?

BABY DOLL!

DADDY, I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW

THAT EVEN THOUGH SOME OF THESE DEMENTED LOWERCLASSMEN

THINK THIS WALLY SPARKS IS FUNNY,

I FIND THE MAN A COMPLETE AND TOTAL ABOMINATION.

SAYS SPARKS IS AN ABOMINATION.

AND I'M PROUD THAT YOU SENT THAT LETTER TO THAT DREADFUL MAN.

IF HE CAN EVEN READ.

YEAH. I DON'T KNOW.

HONEY, I HOPE YOU KNOW HOW DISAPPOINTED WE ALL ARE

THAT YOU CAN'T MAKE IT DOWN HERE FOR THE BIG BASH.

WELL, IF I'M EVER GOING TO FILL THAT GOVERNOR'S CHAIR

WHEN YOU BECOME SENATOR, I'D BETTER FINISH MY THESIS.

BY GOD, DARLING, YOU'RE STARTING TO SOUND LIKE A POLITICIAN ALREADY.

I LOVE YOU, DADDY.

YOU, TOO, BABY DOLL.

YOU COME HOME AS SOON AS YOU CAN, NOW, YOU HEAR?

BYE-BYE.

SHE SAYS SHE'S NOT ENTIRELY SURE SPARKS CAN READ.

HA HA HA! HA HA HA!

WHAT YOU GOT THERE?

UM, WELL, SIR--

FLOYD, HARVEY, I THOUGHT YOU GENTLEMEN MIGHT LIKE SOME TEA.

THERE YOU GO. OH, THANK YOU, EMILY.

NOW, SHALL I POUR?

NO, THANK YOU, DEAR. THAT WOULD BE LOVELY.

NO, THANK YOU, MRS. PRESTON.

OH, WELL, ALL RIGHT, THEN.

NOW, GOVERNOR,

I'M AFRAID THE POLLS ARE VERY BAD.

OH, ISN'T THAT A SHAME?

AND THEY'RE SUCH LOVELY PEOPLE.

I FORGOT THE SPOONS.

I'M GOING TO RUN IN THE KITCHEN AND GET THEM.

NO, DEAR, WE'LL BE FINE.

OH, BUT, DARLING, HOW WILL YOU STIR YOUR TEA?

THANK YOU.

I'LL BE LEAVING NOW.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, IF YOU GENTLEMEN NEED ANYTHING ELSE, NOW,

YOU JUST FEEL FREE TO CALL.

THANK YOU, EMILY.

ACTUALLY, UH, WE'D RATHER NOT BE DISTURBED.

OH, YES, OF COURSE.

AS YOU WISH, FLOYD. AS YOU WISH.

SHE'S QUITE A WOMAN, SIR.

IN YOUR NEXT CAMPAIGN SPOT,

WE WANT TO PORTRAY THE PRESTONS

AS YOUR TYPICAL NORMAL AMERICAN FAMILY.

NOW, THE QUESTION IS,

CAN I EAT THIS BANANA AND STILL BE A GENTLEMAN?

WHAT DO YOU THINK, HUH?

I SAY GO FOR IT, WALLY! I SAY GO FOR IT, WALLY!