Mossad (המוסד)

Subtitles by explosiveskull M_I_SForEver

Leave us.

Not you.

You have no idea who you're dealing with.

Aren't you Shuki?

The Mossad agent who has been trying

to steal our nuclear plans?

So you do know who you're dealing with.

You have got one minute to tell me

who is trying to rescue you!

Kanafeh, Ma'amoul!

Something exotic!

Matzah balls! Gefilte fish! Kigel!

Agent Guy.

My true identity must remain a secret.

Put this on, I know a shortcut to your commander.

Oh no, we have company.

Quick, kiss me.

That one's always kissing some agent.

Take your clothes off.

Listen, I know what you're thinking,

but this isn't going to work out between us.

This tunnel will take you to your commander.

Why do you Israelis always think you know best?

Because we do.

Hey! Ali Express!

It's much more fun to go through the bad guys.

You're crazy!

Cotton candy, cotton candy.

Cotton candy, cotton candy.

The enemy is coming your way, be prepared!

Cotton candy, cotton candy.

Welcome to our prison. How many in your party?

Commander! We have come to rescue you.

But tonight we have a costume party.

Shuki, Shuki, Shuki.

I thought I would never see you again.

You could always look at pictures.

Quick, this is the safest way out.

Can I?

Commander, I need to bring you back in one piece.

Just so no one says that I didn't do anything on this mission.

We have to go.

Guy! Guy! Wait!

Aaron, where are you? Aaron?

I dropped a coin, but I found it down there.

I'm here now.

Thief!

Thief!

Go! Go!

We did it!

Shuki, Shuki, Shuki.

Shuki, Shuki, Shuki, Shuki.

Are you guys nuts?

No!

The steering system has a malfunction!

You're not going anywhere!

I told you the steering system is still non-operational!

Shuki! Jump!

Use a power tool.

Come on!

Fire! Now!

I can't operate my rifle without dropping Shuki!

Guy, let go of my hand!

It's the only way you'll survive this.

Remember me as I was...

just a little thinner.

No!

"Agent search Demotion Protocol activated"

"Senior agent, special agent, field agent...

mall cop, guard at bouncy castle"

THREE YEARS LATER...

Guy, I thought about it,

and I don't think we should be together.

Guy, it's the veterinarian calling about your dog,

he doesn't think you should be together.

What's up Guy, you're not answering, I'm coming up.

Also, switch to SMS,

answering machines only exist in old movies.

Come in.

What's up, Guy?

What's that?

Cake.

Could be meat.

I think it was a cake.

Since the screw-up in Tunisia, life has ended for the both of us.

Well not exactly, I got my wife, you have nothing going on.

We can't talk about our past and we have no future.

- What is left for us? - Maybe you should go out on a date?

Since I left the organization I lost my touch with the ladies.

Don't worry,

when god opens a window, he closes two doors.

Let's find you a date.

Yeah, let's say that, I take a girl out on a date

and she starts asking me what do you do for a living?

What did you study? What do I tell her?

I was once an assassin,

now I work as a security guard at a bouncy castle?

- Let's do a simulation, hit on me. - What?

Hi, my name is Dalit, I'm a young lady. What is your name?

Look, I don't quite like all of the...

You don't want me...

Ok, I have no money,

I have no respect for myself.

And the senior agents are making fun of you.

And the senior...

That's enough. Come on, come on, be creative.

- It's a bar! - It's a restaurant!

- It's a bar! - No, it's a restaurant!

- No, it's a bar! - Restaurant!

- Bar! - Restaurant!

- It's a bar. - It's a restaurant.

No, people drink here, it's a bar.

People also eat here, it's a restaurant.

But mostly drinking so it's a bar!

They come here to eat, it's a restaurant!

They're mostly come here to drink! So it's a bar!

No, people eat here, it's a restaurant!

Hello Abigail, I work in a sausage factory.

What?

A demoted Mossad agent?

No, I work at a sausage factory.

What can I get you?

Yes, grapefruit juice.

Addicted to the hard stuff, huh?

Woman?

No, thanks, the juice is enough.

They come here to eat! It's a restaurant!

And what are they doing afterwards?

Guy?

- Abigail! - Hi!

Your picture online was...

No. In the picture with the...

Yeah.

I googled you, and could not find anything.

Are you a secret agent or something like that?

What? No, no.

I managed a sausage factory.

I mean it. I have a few samples here.

Check it out. Here is some Salami.

Don't you forget why we are here.

Nothing happened, everything is alright.

Did you...

Did you just hit someone?

The sausage industry is a tough business.

Did you know that Salami is the only food,

that even before you eat it, it smells like burp?

Maybe he needs help?

Ah no, he's fine.

If you keep killing people

I'm not going out with you anymore!

Wait a second! Wait!

We'll do things that ordinary people do!

We'll take pictures of our food!

Fighting again?

Sir, please take a look at this,

you're going to forget everything that has happened here.

Are you erasing my memory with that?

No.

I'm smashing this bottle on your head. Help me with this guy.

Excuse us. Excuse us.

Excuse us.

It's not good to keep things inside, is it?

What are you doing?

I'm here to make sure there won't be any mishaps.

Even if someone tries to do something,

we have security cameras all over the place.

And here.

With today's technology,

intelligence agencies are a thing of the past.

Let's go home.

- Do you have any weapon on you? - No.

They are children.

It will prepare them for how cruel life can be.

Guy.

Pookie force.

Watch out for terrorists, they might just punch a hole in your inflatables.

Or whatever.

The tech giant Jack Sattelberg.

The world's biggest smartphones manufacturer

just landed in Israel.

For the next 8 hours we will repeat this sentence

in different phrasings.

Look at that beauty.

I like.

Haim! Have you met my wife?

Not this one.

I see you...

graduated high school!

How do you do?

I couldn't agree more with what I've just heard.

Intelligence agencies are a thing of the past!

How did you hear what we were talking?

Your phones are constantly collecting information.

There's no end to the amount of information you can collect.

With today's technology, intelligence agencies are a thing of the past.

Delete it! Delete it!

Excuse me, but...

This is the actual phone that updates

all the artificial intelligence of the world.