White Gold

The most important thing for you kids to know is that this

divorce is not your fault.

Agreed. It's definitely not your fault.

Whose fault is it then?

Doesn't have to be anyone's fault, you know?

I just want to know who to blame for ruining my life.

I mean what if a mum - or let's say a dad - had an affair -

would the divorce be all their fault?

No. Yes! It bloody well would!

Do not be bitter in front of the Sorry.

Look, sweetheart, there are loads of reasons why couples break up.

Yeah, just not in this case.

I'm not a mug, Dad. I've had enough of your crap.

Robbie. You all right, mate?

Rob, it's really important, babe, that you share all of your feelings

in regards to the break-up of your family.

Tell him, Vincent.

Do you know what I think would make you feel a lot better

about this divorce? How about an Atari games console?

Oh, yes, please! Skills!

The book says not to bribe.

Books are overrated.

I feel better now. Thanks, Dad.

Right, well, I shall be on my way.

Why do you always have to be such an arsehole?

Because without arseholes, Samantha, shit would never get done.

Sometimes when a Mum and a Dad fall out of love,

it's better for everyone if they stop being husband and wife

and start living in different houses.

Which is why I now live in a flat Ronnie Farrell used to rent out

to a dominatrix.

BUZZER

Hello.

Is Mistress Trixie available?

Mistress Trixie doesn't live here any more, all right.

Oh, OK. Who does then?

Look, mate, I'm really not in the mood for this.

Why not? Why not?!

Because I'm getting divorced.

Because I owe the taxman 50 fucking grand.

Because I've gone from being salesman of the century

to a schlub who can't sell shit.

But mainly because I spend my entire fucking life on this phone

talking to perverts like you.

I'm sorry, sounds like you've got a lot on your plate.

You don't fancy 20 quid and let me fuck you hard up the arse, do ya?

Come on, mate, have some fucking decency, yes?

Tenner for a blowjob? I'm hanging up.

ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS

You have two new messages.

'Oh, hello, Mr Swan. My name's Emma Lyndsey.

'My neighbours have been complaining about the cries of passion

'and ecstasy coming from my bedroom, so I was hoping you could pop over

'and soundproof my windows.'

A double glazing-based sex fantasy. She's a keeper.

'Mr Swan. It's Abigail Barnes, your favourite government employee here.

'Just a call to let you know we've fixed a date for your case hearing.

'May 29th.

'So that's a whole six weeks to come up with £50,000.'

Fuck. Fucking fuck!

'Have a nice day.'

BUZZER

What now?

Vincent? It's Brian. Can I come up?

This place is nice.

Let's cut the small talk bollocks. Why are you here?

Look, I just came round to try and make things right between us.

And before you say anything, I'm not trying to get my job back.

Good, because you're not fucking getting it back. Ever.

Like I said, just...

came to apologise and hopefully in time you'll be able to forgive me.

So...

thanks for listening.

Right. Well, off you fuck then.

Right.

Oh, there was one more thing,

would it be all right if I pop by the showroom, just to pick up

a few bits and pieces, say goodbye to the team properly?

No-one gives a shit about you but it's a free country.

Thanks, Vincent.

Good night mate, ah...

With its haunting aroma of stale sex and 24-hour pervert hotline,

Trixie's flat felt like purgatory. I had to get out.

It was so bad that even a sofa that smelt of Walshy's

arse-crack felt like an upgrade.

Hello? Hello?

Shit! Fucking Walshy.

Hello?

I'm coming up. I warn you!

I'm armed!

I guess I could've told Walshy I was sleeping in the office

but if you're about to tap someone up for 50 grand,

it's probably best not to do it in last night's piss stained Y-fronts.

Fucking hell, Vincent! You could knock...

Sorry, Mum, but before you send me to the point.

It's about time you made me a partner.

And don't give me any grief, all right.

I've already made you a mint.

No, no, I think you being Yeah?

Too right. Have a seat.

I've been looking for someone to invest in the business.

How much were you thinking of putting in?

More like what I was looking to take out. Namely, me.

See, I was thinking to keep me motivated

for the foreseeable future,

the business could invest in me to the tune of 50 grand.

How does that sound?

Un-fucking likely. You're not going to quit and we both know it.

What we both do know is without me you'd have lost

that disgusting shirt on your hairy fucking back by now.

That was before your recent personal problems.

You ain't selling shit at the moment, boy.

Sales have dipped, granted,

but that's more due to a downturn in consumer confidence,

market forces. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You tell yourself whatever bollocks you like,

bottom line is our consumers have lost confidence in you.

So unless you start selling windows for me,

the only thing you'll get from me is a fucking P-45!

Now, are we done here?

I need a shit.

How come you look so fucking cheerful?

Guess who just reeled in a big one?

Congrats, mate.

What was it, your first conservatory?

Bit bigger, and smells of piss more.

You've lost me.

I've just landed us the contract for the refurbishment

of the old people's home on Wickford Road.

Fucking 42 windows and 12 doors.

This old mate of mine from Chelmsford Grammar

works for the council and he made sure the order came our way.

Fuck me. That's incredible news.

If this goes well we could end up on of approved suppliers.

I'll go give Walshy the glad tidings.

Hold your horses.

Now, congrats on the Old Girls network coming through,

but strictly speaking this is a commercial deal,

and as such it has to go through the commercial sales arm.

What? What fucking commercial sales arm?!

No-one's ever mentioned a commercial sales arm.

Vincent Swan, head of commercial sales at your service.

Now, don't worry, I'll make sure you get a nice finders bonus.

I'd better go give Walshy the glad tidings.

And look, mate, I'm sorry, I don't make the rules.

I know, I do make the rules.

And that was a dick move. Even for me.

Walshy! Stop tugging on that pencil dick and prepare to be happy.

Hello, Millman Young.

Hi, it's Sam Swan. I've got a meeting with Little Prick.

I mean, Andrew Davis.

Sorry, was that Andrew Davis?

Yeah, Andrew Davis

Come in. OK.

Are you sure you should be here?

I told you, Vincent and I had a little sit down, cleared the air.

Now take a seat, Carol.

In fact, Vincent practically begged me to come by

and share with you my life-changing news.

And I know you'll be amazed.

Please be a sex change.

Actually, no, this is better.

My name is Brian Fitzpatrick and I used to be morbidly obese.

No, you didn't. Can I just finish the presentation,

I'll answer questions afterwards?

I'm ashamed to say that before you knew me I used to be a fat fuck,

as you can see from this picture of me as a teenager.

Oh, my God! You've lost so much weight.

That's incredible!

And grown a different face. That is incredible.

Can I have a closer look?

I think you'll find, Carol, that most of the Nature-Burn Community

are unrecognisable once they lose the weight.

You see, it's thanks to Nature-Burn's

supply of vitamin supplements and diet pills

that I became the slender man I am today.

And always have been.

Well, look, here's a little advance on your commission.

That should keep the taxman off your back for a bit.

Well done to Cachet's Head Of Commercial Sales!

Who?

What the fuck is going on, Brian?

Well, I just popped by to pick up a few things and then the guys

started peppering me with questions about my new business venture.

No, you said Vincent was begging you to tell us all

about your life-changing news.

I think what we need to focus on here

is that I have life-changing news.

I've had enough of this place.

Hang on, I was just about tell you Nature-Burn's...

Shove your diet pills up your arse.

Well, unfortunately Nature-Burn don't do suppositories,

but soon as they do, I'll happily shove them up my arse.

Martin, mate, hold up, let me buy you a pint.

So, these diet pills work then? How much you charging?

£30 for a month's supply.

But I am running a one week's free trial to get people hooked...

I mean, to get them on the road to a healthier lifestyle.

I'm prepared to make that exclusive one-time offer

exclusively to you, Tony.