Parks and Recreation

Washington, D.C. Take a deep breath, Andy.

I mean, you can practically smell the bills becoming laws.

Yeah.

You can taste the sweet sugar of bureaucracy at work.

That building looks like a boob.

Yeah, well, it's not.

Oh, yeah, I know. It's the White House.

No. It's the Capitol.

My amazing lover, Ben Wyatt, is here

working on a congressional campaign,

and he took April with him as his intern.

I'm here to visit, but I'm also here to work.

Because I have a very important meeting

where I am going to try to get federal funding

so we can clean up the Pawnee River.

It's a bit of a fixer-upper.

Romantic reunions. Government meetings. Self-guided museum tours.

I mean, am I living the dream? I don't know.

Did I also just walk past a food truck

and buy myself a waffle sundae?

Yes!

Now, take out your guidebook.

Oh, I didn't bring a guidebook.

Oh, I brought you one. You did?

Yeah. Thank you.

Now, throw it away,

because Leslie Knope is your guidebook. I didn't...

I didn't mean literally. I had some notes in it.

Okay. Grab the book and let's hit the National Mall.

There's a mall? That's awesome. I need to get some flip-flops.

Why are we having a conference room meeting? Leslie's gone.

Ron has taken initiative and he is leading the meeting.

He's not joking.

I wanted to let you all know that I will be throwing

the annual Parks Department Employee Appreciation barbecue.

You're going to throw the Leslie Knope

Employment Enjoyment SummerSlam Grill Jam Fun-splosion?

That's right.

You are going to oversee the Popsicle-eating contest,

the slip-and-slide-a-thon, the watermelon carving, the gazpacho-off

and star in a one-woman show about parks rules and regulations?

Parks and Dolls!

I got your park right here Its name is Ramsett Park

And its gates are open from dawn till dark

I am not doing any of that, which is the point.

Every summer, Leslie throws a barbecue

to thank the Parks and Maintenance staff.

It's horrifying.

Barbecues should be about one thing.

Good shared meat.

There will be no foofy desserts.

There will be no giant soap bubble guns.

There will be no adult men in costumes.

And most of all, there will be no vegetables.

Well, Ron, can we at least have corn on the cob?

No.

"In this temple, as in the hearts of the people",

"for whom he saved the Union,"

"the memory of Abraham Lincoln is enshrined forever."

Andy, what are you doing?

Have you ever seen any of the National Treasure movies?

Everything in this city is a clue.

Nothing in that movie is accurate.

A-ha! A clue. Check it out.

I think that's just gum.

How do I know this isn't a treasure map

just waiting to be unfurled?

Because it's gum.

That's gum. Yeah.

So, you can see that the color changes about a third of the way up,

and it's when construction was actually halted on the monument.

Leslie, this is a really cool penis

but Ben and April are meeting us

at the Smithsonian in 10 minutes.

Let's talk on the way.

1776. A nation was born.

Which nation?

I offered Ron a job last month, and he turned me down.

And it literally broke my heart.

But now, I see that this is truly where he belongs.

Way to be, Ron!

You're really getting it done, man!

He can't hear me.

Okay, let's begin the barbecue.

Hey, little guy. What are you doing?

Oh, no.

Everyone? Meet your meat.

No. No.

Ron. Why are you doing this to us?

Well, in my opinion, not enough people

have looked their dinner in the eyes

and considered the circle of life.

This is your dinner. His name is Tom.

Burn. Seriously?

No, I understand that it's hilarious.

But that is his given Christian name.

Tom is very smart and incredibly loyal.

He's basically a dog.

A dog we're going to cook, chew, and swallow.

Dude, there's kids around here. RON: Good point.

Which one of you youngsters wants to help me

drain the blood from this animal?

If you do a good job, I'll give you the bladder.

You can blow it up for a fun play ball.

Hey, Ron.

You're not going to slaughter that pig here, are you?

Not to worry. I have a permit.

This just says, "I can do what I want."

I am the director of the Parks Department and this is a park.

It's not a Parks thing.

It's against, like, three laws and a dozen health codes.

Fine.

Barbecue is postponed until I can go pick up

some meat from the Food 'n' Stuff.

Let's go, Tom.

No. Pig Tom.

So, I want to see the History of the Girl Scouts,

and then Lincoln's pocket watch and the First Ladies exhibit,

and everything. I want to see everything.

Andy, get down from there.

Hey, Leslie, is this the train from Back to the Future III?

Get down from there. I think it is.

Hey, buddy. Come on down from there for me, please.

Sir, you protect our nation's history and you're a hero.

Yeah. A hero with something to hide.

Like probably a treasure map.

Ah! Hey! It's so good to see you. Hey!

Oh...

It's so great to see you, too. Yeah.

Yikes.

Okay. Uh, guys? Let's motor.

Guys. Guys.

Let's go get some astronaut ice cream or something.

We were thinking about maybe just...

Uh, maybe we were going to go back to...

We were going to have sex.

Okay. You look great, April.

Sorry, hon. I actually have to go, too.

No, really? I thought maybe we could sightsee together.

I know. I have, like, a thousand meetings.

But I just wanted to come wish you luck before your presentation.

Oh, but you know what you should see

while you're here is George Washington's...

Farewell Address Candle Stand.

That was the first thing I was going to see.

God, I love you so much.

Come to my office as soon as you're done.

Okay? Okay.

And it was nice to see you again.

Were you talking to my butt? Yes.

Okay.

Where is Swanson?

Ann, I'm hungry and my legs are tired.

It feels like I just exercised.

Just sit on the ground.

No, Jerry.

It's dirty and I'm wearing my summer linens.

God, you're such a baby.

Look, I brought a picnic blanket from your house.

That's not a picnic blanket.

That's a merino wool throw for my Eames chair.

Uh-oh.

Do I sense trouble in the Haverford-Perkins household?

No such luck, Donna.

Ann and Tom, A.K.A. Haverkins, is stronger than ever.

Everyone said it wouldn't last.

And it didn't.

Shocking that our drunken plan to move in together wasn't a success.

Let's move in together. Totally.

No take-backs when we sober up, though, partner.

No take-backs, partner.

After the first day, we realized we had made a huge mistake.

Huge!

However, everyone was being so smug about it,

saying there was no way it would last.

So, we're pretending to still be together.

That way, no one gets the satisfaction of being right.

Even though they are, but still.

More importantly, I bet Donna $1,000

that we'd be together for another month.

I can't stress this enough.

If she finds out that we broke up, I'll go bankrupt.

Oh, my God. Food. Food.

Yes. I am returned.

No. Not so fast, Shirley.

I just have to thaw the meat, season it, and grill it up.

So, it's going to be a few hours. ALL: Aw!

No, Ron.

My tummy's rumbling. It's scary.

Tommy's got the tum-rums.

Ron? Chris Traeger feelings update.

I am now feeling that your guests are getting a little antsy.

Fine. I'll skip a few steps and speed things up.

There you go. Is there at least something to drink?

There's beer in the cooler.

What about for the children?

You can get water from that water fountain

and use it to water down the beer.

Why not just give the kids water?

I suppose you could do that.