Rancho Deluxe

B-Bar or Lazy-T?

B-Bar.

Now, why do you say that?

Because the fire road runs above their corrals and you can't see it from the house.

- Let's toss a coin. - Let's just decide.

- Can you walk a quarter between your fingers? - That's the first thing they teach you in jail.

How to walk a quarter between your fingers. Simple-minded card tricks are next.

- I'll do it. - My leader.

You can practice walking the coin.

You're real proud of it. Where's the saw?

In the back. Brought the little McCullough.

- That thing is so damned hard to start. - You are nervous.

- Shall I show you a few card tricks? - Just show me that thing start.

- Did you gas this mother up? - Smell it, Cecil. You flooded it.

Then we got to wait it out.

O, just a couple of sleepy rustlers waiting for somebody to come and mend the fence.

There's no way out except the fire road, so no trouble making the arrest.

How many cows is B-Bar running here?

A couple of thousand on the summer range.

Minus this one.

Right. Don't forget that one.

See, if we were grown-ups, the B-Bar would be running a full 2,000 head.

Now they're down to 1,999, there's hardly any sense in going on. I'll give it another try.

- Jack - Mm?

- Do you believe in the tooth fairy? - Who takes your tooth from under the pillow?

- I do if you do, Cecil. - Well, I do too, then.

I'm planning to watch the Tuesday night livestock report.

See what we can get for four hooves, a head and some cow guts.

We know it's not a coyote this time.

Let's report it before it gets blamed on us.

My plan would be to mail that to somebody.

Well, all right. If that means something to you.

I hate to be so late with the rent. We've been out of town.

Now there's a problem transferring funds from a savings account to our checking account

without losing our Christmas bonus.

Come on, get to the point.

We were hoping to pay our rent with 100 pounds of US prime beef.

This is about double what we owe you.

Or more.

Is this reservation cattle?

No, ma'am. Grain-fed. We swapped a jeep for it.

We don't wanna lose our Christmas bonus at the bank,,,,

Last month it was a sheep.

Next month it will be hard cash.

And it was still warm.

Yes, ma'am. It cost us a Rototiller. We got beat out of a lot of value on that one.

OK.

We was gonna check the livestock report, see what hooves was going for.

Shut up, Curt! How in hell did they get in here?

Fire service road.

- I'm gonna close that road. - You can't. It's the fire road.

I'll go to see the governor and close that road. I've closed service roads all over Montana.

I'm not gonna have a West that's not free.

I'll not have my stock breaking their legs in gopher burrows.

I'll not have a West that's not free.

And at this point in the 200th century, I'm not gonna be plagued by rustlers.

- Who's that chopper mechanic? - Linsday.

Tell him we hunt predators, airlift big game, and track rustlers with this son of a bitch

and we can't afford carburetor trouble in blind canyons again.

Yes sir, I'll tell him. Sure sounds good to me now, though.

One more bit of engine trouble,

and I stand up at the Cattlemen's Association and announce what a piece of shit this thing is.

Let's get the hell outta here.

How are you, Betty?

Bored.

- What you tying this week? - Royal Coachman.

And you're bored? That sounds like an interesting fly.

Fuck you, Jack

- Do you wanna go out with me? - I haven't any idea.

I thought we could go over to the Wrangler and shoot a little pool.

- Buy a cheeseburger. - Dynamite.

- D'you want to come out and play tonight? - Well...

I'm supposed to help my sister catch her horses up in the Crazies.

- If your sister'll go out with Cecil, we'll help you.

All right, but bring your own horses.

- Come on, Cecil. - Hold on now. Dee and me are working this out.

- Says you. - Come on. Leave her to her work,,,,

- Just got you a date with Betty's sister Mary. - All right.

She's the tastiest lady around here, if you ask me.

Lips of cherry wine and eyes like diamonds.

Yeah, that's the one.

Shall I bring a lot of rubbers?

- Indians. Jesus! - Sorry.

Just trying to embrace the new culture.

- We gotta help catch their dad's horses. - Where at?

- Up in the Crazies. - All right.

Honey. I'm back

- How are things in the wild blue yonder? - You look fantastic.

All right, John.

Cecil, have you ever watched chickens fucking?

- I wouldn't say "watched". - Have you ever listened?

You must be these ladies' dad.

- Afternoon, Mr... - Dog. Bob Dog.

I'm Cecil Colson, North American Indian.

We're here to help catch the horses.

My bet is they've gone half wild up there in them Aspens.

How right you are.

Makes you really wonder if you should have given in

when they whined and whined for another Appaloosa barrel racer.

- They've probably reverted to bucking stock - Shut up, Jack, and take off that mask.

Give me a hand here.

I've gotta git.

Just run all your ponies into the old corral. I'll send a stock truck up for them.

OK., Dad. Bye-bye Daddy.

- (,Jack, ) How many horses are we looking for? - Five.

Where shall we start looking?

Let's throw the I Ching and see.

No, we ain't throwing no I Ching to find no horses. Damn.

Eat it, Betty.

High-school kids can't pick their noses without getting stoned and throwing the I Ching.

You can't sleep at night without humping cowboys in the driveway.

Watch your lip, Mary.

Or demolition-derby drivers, bank tellers, brand inspectors, just to name a few.

Ladies, damn, I'm getting disillusioned.

Let's just ride up there and catch these ponies.

This is America today.

God wants America on horseback finding lost Appaloosa barrel racers.

Do I make myself clear?

Mary, you and Cecil go to the top of the south pasture.

We'll go down the forest service line and herd 'em back from there.

If we catch one, it'll be simple with the others, OK?

- Right. - OK.

- Make it to the tree, she'll dive for his fly. - Now, you don't know that.

I do. She's a dumb twot and I can't stand her.

She flushed two lids down the toilet on me, smashed my black light,

tore up my posters, scratched my Humble Pie albums.

- What's the difference in age between you? - Two years.

But she's about exactly half as hip as my grandma is cranking out doilies.

Jesus, Betty.

Oh, Jesus!

Just like that!

Oh, yeah!

Oh, Jesus.

Ooh.

Oh, yeah!

That is dyno-supreme.

I am loaded.

Stony weed, I tell you.

The most possible primo.

- Ooh. Oh, my. Oh, yeah! - Betty.

Oh, baby.

Oh, baby!

Come on.

Oh, baby. Oh, baby.

Oh! Oh, baby!

Jack

You miserable son of a bitch!

Is nothing sacred to you?

Why have I asked you to save these?

I have asked you to save these because they will help show us

that these rustling cases are all the work of the same man.

A lot of people have 270s, Mrs. Brown.

Curt, you're a slow boat to China.

Burt, will you tell Curt what I told you?

- Curt. - Yes, Burt.

The firing pin of a rifle is like a fingerprint.

We're gonna send those cases to the ballistics lab.

All right.

Anybody feel like dancing?

How about you, slow boat?

The music's a little hard to dance to.

Come on, goddamn it. I want some gothic ranch action around here.

I want some desire under the elms.

I want to see some smouldering glances down at the old corral.

I don't know, Mrs. Brown.

Gee, Mrs. Brown.

Well, piss off, then. Jesus Christ!

Tweedledy-dee and Tweedledy-dum.

What do I want with beef? I have nothing to trade you anyway.

- How about your dirt bike? - My Elsinore? Are you nuts?

That's worth more than your steer.

- What kind of condition was this animal in? - Real choice.

- You got a nice rifle? - I got a Sharp's Buffalo rifle.

A real plains rifle made by WC Freund.

- What calibre? - 50 Sharp's.

I'd trade my rifle for your quarter.

How many ribs on a quarter?

I'm so glad you asked.

It's a three-rib quarter. It'll run to half the weight of that side.

Throw in the kidneys and liver and you got a deal. If you want a deal.

I'll take your Sharp's.

Jack and me are about the last of the plainsmen.

Today's Enterprise announced that old John Brown bought the Lazy-T.

It doesn't matter which fork we took it was still gonna be one of his cows.

I'm glad we got it in storage.

I didn't like the feeling when that chainsaw flooded.

I don't know if John Brown's so bad, either.

He'll keep tourists from putting an aluminum house trailer on a quarter acre of pasture.

- Ever see Cheyenne Autumn? - Oh, yes.

Well, in another 20 years, they're gonna make Aluminum Autumn.

- You bored, John? - Yeah.

What do you want to do?

I don't know.

Want to go look for signs of the rustlers?

They probably haven't even been around.

Darling, that's not my fault.

And it's not my fault there are no more ranches to buy around here.

Why don't you run into Livingston and get yourself a hat?

- I don't feel like it. - I've got it, John.

I've got it.