Family Guy

Chris, you've hardly touched your food.

- Mom, are you a scientist? - No.

Then quit putting me under a microscope!

Ah, there you are.

Boy, does it feel good to walk into the right house.

- Hey, Dad, are you a scientist? - Don't answer, Peter.

Oh, by the way, don't make plans for Sunday.

We're taking Stewie to the children's museum.

Can't go, Lois, I got tickets to a meaningless

April baseball game.

Now, who wants to come with me and be as cold as

you've ever been in your whole life?

I do. - Awesome.

We're gonna have a great time, like flies on dog poop.

Sorry, gentlemen, the dog poop is full.

Come on in, ladies.

Why is Meg here?

Something happened last week and she can't be left alone.

Like, legally.

Meg, where you going?

Come on, Meg, you got to stay by me.

I wasn't gonna do anything.

Look, it's just a few months.

- Next. - Hi. Three adults and one infant, please.

Nice try, lady. That kid's at least three.

What? That's insane.

Brian, do I look old to you?

You look fine. Guys shouldn't have those, by the way.

But the museum man... Meg wandered off.

That may end up being a problem.

The museum man just said I looked over two.

That's mid-toddler.

I ain't trying to hear that.

Stewie, who cares? Let's just enjoy the museum.

Uh-oh, frustrated solo parent.

I want the museum with the pumpkins.

That's the pumpkin patch. It's gone.

Get up, Holden.

Holden, get... up.

Get up. God!

- Get up and we'll get a toy. - Yay.

I'm doing the best I can!

Excuse us, coming through.

Both fat. Sorry.

All right, we got it.

What is it, bottom of the fourth?

My Lord, it's cold.

Chris, look. Two Irish guys who aren't drinking.

I just got me 30-minute chip.

Well done, lad. Here's to you.

Oh, well, Finnegan begin again.

Now batting for Boston,

Xander Bogaerts.

All right, Dad, I've got my ball ready

in case Xander hits a glove our way.

Okay, got to talk more sports with you.

Yeah!

Folks, that was Xander Bogaerts' 200th career home run.

Heavens to Betsy, what a home run.

Aye. Now let's take offense at something

we thought we heard someone say.

Let's go, Red Sox.

What did you call me?

Now, before you say anything, Brian,

this is very important to me.

Stewie, what the hell did you do to yourself?

Nothing. Almost nothing.

Just a little Botox, a little filler.

- Maybe some strings. - Stewie, I can't believe...

Oh, there's Meg. She's wandering outside.

She shouldn't be doing that, right?

Meg, come back inside.

You're not in trouble, just come back inside.

She should be in her room thinking about what she did.

Stewie, this face-lift was a big mistake.

Like letting ducks be part of the Boston Tea Party.

We're gonna storm that ship and get all the tea

and throw it in the water.

Yeah, but first we're gonna storm that other ship

and get all the bread and throw it in the water.

Who's with me?

And we got to tear the bread into bite-size pieces

'cause of... for taxes!

Thanks for taking me to the baseball game, Dad.

It was so fun to watch the basketball game

on the phone of the guy in front of us.

Yeah, I like that people are never doing what they're doing.

Hey, you're the dumpy kid who caught Xander's homer.

I seen it on the jumbotron.

I'll give you a hundred bucks for it right now.

Oh, I just brought this ball from...

Uh, uh, home. Caught from home. Home plate, where Xander was.

We're gonna need 300 for it.

Hmm. Well, I guess it's a historic ball.

Okay, you got a deal.

Wow, I can't believe that guy just paid us $300

for a regular baseball.

Yeah, that was so easy.

Man, people will buy anything if they think

it's from something famous.

And he didn't even check to see if that was the real ball.

My God, you're right, Chris.

I bet we could sell a ton of balls like that,

and maybe other stuff, too, not just sports.

Hey, what do you say you and me start

a phony memorabilia business?

- I'm in. - Great.

Now let's walk through the dangerous part of the city

'cause Daddy didn't want to pay three extra bucks for parking.

Aah! Boston University guys, not Harvard guys!

Doy, doy, doy, doy, doy, doy, doy...

Hey, Chris, what are you up to?

Just finishing our fake memorabilia website.

- What's this now? - From last night.

It was your idea.

Oh, I was blacked out.

- You drove us home. - Yeah, with the window open.

You see, son, fresh air... Hey, Meg.

Sweetie, where's your hallway buddy?

Dad, I'm fine.

I know you're fine. I'm fine. We're all fine.

It's just I'm gonna need you to go find your hallway buddy.

Okay? There's a good girl. Thank you.

Oh, my God, your baby is adorable.

- So cute. - Let me guess, ten months?

Oh, my God, My new look is working.

I'm back into months.

Chris, what's all that lotion for?

Are you a scientist, Mom?

- I'm a scientist. - It's for masturbating.

Okay, time to hit the road

for the sports and memorabilia convention.

Ready to go? - Yep.

All right, here we go.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Chris, we just left.

I know, but I got to go.

Ah, fine. We'll pull over at Joe's.

Bathroom's for customers only.

All right, how much is the gum?

Four dollars. - For gum?

Go somewhere else. - Fine.

Bathroom code is six-six-four-eight-two-

six-one-zero-three- five-five-four-nine.

Could you... Could you say that again?

You got to buy another pack of gum.

Six-six-four-eight-two-six-one-

zero-three-five-five-four-nine.

Okay, six-six-four-eight-two...

What-What's the rest?

Here, let me have Tommy Tutone sing it for you.

What's this?

This is O.J. Simpson's Heisman Trophy.

Are you crazy?

You shouldn't claim to have that.

Relax, it's fine.

What are the chances he tries to steal it back twice?

Hey, did he sign your head?

No. - He signed my head.

Stewie, you know, I've been thinking about this whole...

Oh, my God, what happened to your face?

Stewie? - Hello? Who's there?

Sorry, Brian, my eyes don't close when I sleep,

and I'm blind for a few seconds when I first wake up.

Stewie, you got more plastic surgery?

I know, it was a mistake.

I told you not to do this.

You're way too young to be getting plastic surgery.

Stewie! - What? Who's there?

Sorry, Brian, my eyes don't close when I sleep,

and I'm blind for a few seconds when I first wake up.

Yeah, you already said that.

I think one of the cuts got too close to my brain.

Brian, school pictures are in two days.

What am I gonna do?

All right, don't worry. Here's what we're gonna do.

Stewie! - Who's there?

Oh, Brian, I need your help. This is a nightmare.

I couldn't afford Jennifer Aniston's doctor.

I had to use Kenny Rogers'.

Great news, Dad.

Legit Collectibles just had our biggest sale ever.

Shh, I don't want your mother to hear.

Don't worry, she won't.

She's on the phone with her dramatic friend Gina.

No, I believe you saw a ghost,

but y-you talked to him for 45 minutes?

Maybe that part was a dream.

Okay, what'd we sell?

You know the captain's hat we said Sully Sullenberger

was wearing when he landed in the Hudson?

Someone bought it off our website for five grand.

No way. What moron paid that much?

Um, someone named Obi-Wan Quagmire.

Obi-Wan Quagmire.

I wonder if they mean old Glenn Quagmire.

Check out my new Sully Sullenberger hat.

And tell Kate to clear the runway

'cause I'm going down on the Hudson.

The-the Hudson Brothers?