On Becoming a God in Central Florida

Previously...

It's all Travis's.

He bought it. I'm just storing it.

Worst thing about him dying is that now I can't divorce him,

Look, I don't meet a lot of folk during good times.

I do meet folk when they need a shoulder to cry on.

We need you out of the shot. Sir.

- FAM took my family. - Will you-you get him...

Obie Garbeau took my family.

What I'd really love is to speak at the rally.

What would you say?

My dream didn't end in the swamp.

- No! - It lives on in the pool.

I have access to people.

Suburban people.

But they're gonna want FAM goods stocked here.

Buy the inventory.

Spackle your little eye-spy here.

You get to keep boosted ticket sales,

I get my house back.

I want to be part of the FAM.

Okay, Ernie.

Shit.

- Ah, fuck. - Ugh.

Came in this morning, there they were.

You should be wearing gloves.

Did you call animal control?

They're on their way.

You know, my daddy built this park.

That man invented the lazy river.

Point is, I have been coming to this park

nearly every day for the past 38 years.

I have seen heart attacks,

marriage proposals, projectile vomit, desegregation.

But never, I mean never have I seen...

birds drop out of the sky.

Hello.

I want to personally congratulate you

on your impressive business acumen.

You're the kind of businessman who'd benefit

from one-on-one mentoring at my retreat on Paradise Cay.

Sounds good, doesn't it?

- Yes. - But wait.

I see here you're not a Washington yet.

Think you can accrue enough Founders points

by next week...

Cody Bonar.

I think you can.

Good. Hope to see you there...

Cody Bonar.

... so I can shake your hand.

Hope to see you there...

Cody Bonar.

... so I can shake your hand.

Hope to see you there...

You got to let them know you got coconuts down there.

That's all anybody's ever buying.

- Cheers, Neenee. - Coconuts.

You-you know what I mean, right?

Yeah, I know what coconuts...

- Do your thing, Ernie. - Okay.

Go, Ernie. Go, go, go, Ernie.

Hello, friend.

- How would you like to be... - Yeah, uh-uh.

- And-and maybe smile a little. - Mm.

- Smile a little? Okay. - Mm-hmm.

Every time they buy something, you...

it's money in the...

- That's creepy as hell. - What'd I do?

- Yeah, you look weird... - Creepy as hell.

- Do not smile. - What?

A-And speak to us, your audience.

- Okay, that's good. All right. - Yeah, we want...

Are we gonna buy FAM products?

- I don't know. - I don't know.

With-with FAM,

every time they buy something,

you...

get to put...

With FAM,

when-whenever they buy something, that's money in your pocket.

Mm-hmm.

They get coffee, you retire at 35.

Wait a minute, I'm-I'm 40.

So what? Ernie, come on.

- Coconuts. - Coconuts.

I just... I'm not good reading from a script.

Well, Ernie, not everyone has the teeth to be a closer

- and climb the ranks. - Mm-mm.

But I want to close. I want to climb the ranks.

- Ooh. - Exactly.

You see what I did?

I took something from you, and right away you wanted it.

You needed it.

- Geez. - Yeah, it's called human nature.

Reverse psychology works.

When we take away peoples' stuff at work,

they really want it back.

Maybe I can use that

to get Harold interested in playing catch.

Mm-hmm!

Oh. All right, I'll see y'all later, okay?

- Okay. - Mm-hmm.

- Bye-bye. - Bye.

That man really needs some psychology.

Doesn't matter, though.

- Splashercize is a hit. - Mm-hmm.

The downline

respects the upline, and the upline's

got a-a steady hustle going.

Thinking about starting my own line of swimwear.

Oh, yes, honey.

You can pull with this.

Yeah, well, this alligator widow could use some.

So, what you gonna do with all that sweet cash, honey?

You gonna, uh, buy all your stuff back?

Hell no. I needed a car and a place to sit.

The rest of it goes to making damn sure

- we got a roof over our head. - Mm-hmm.

Thighs. Love your buns with Splashercize. Hips and thighs,

hips and thighs. Love your buns with Splashercize.

And move that product.

Move that product.

Move that product.

And money in your pocket.

Money in your pocket.

Money in your pocket. Money in your pocket.

All right, y'all.

I'd like to welcome our new Splashers.

Yeah! And thank Barry for bringing them.

Now, Barry's brought the most recruits

three weeks in a row,

so he gets to pick the next chant.

- Come on. - Come on.

- Say it. - Barry.

Barry. Barry.

Barry. Barry.

Who's gonna give Barry a run for his money?

Okay!

Hey, what? Is there a bee or something?

Hey. What's your damage?

We're in the middle of a class.

Knock it off, pal. We're splashing here.

This class... is an apostasy.

Mr. Garbeau

wants this class shut down.

- It's Roger Penland. - Hey, y-y'all, just stay put.

Y'all just stay put. Come on.

What the hell, man?

This Splashercize is a perversion

of the Garbeau System.

Uh-uh, no, no, no. Hey.

You guys, I can fix this.

I-I can fix this, y'all. Y'all.

Y'all, y'all, just stay in the pool.

- Who's that? - He works for Obie.

- He works for Obie? - I think it's Roger Penland.

Hey, what the hell?

You could've phoned.

The telephone can be imprecise.

Well, now you came, you saw.

Splashercize motivates my downline.

They love it. It's a recruiting tool.

You can tell him I'm improving the Garbeau System.

You aren't charged with improvement.

You're charged with duplication.

In the absence of order...

... there's chaos.

I mean, I'm sure none of you want to be your own boss, so...

I mean, Hank, you love it at Winn-Dixie, right?

And, Jim,

working the night shift sounds kind of fun.

- Well, there's always parking. - Yes.

So I'm not even gonna tempt you with some big song and dance

about running your own business with FAM.

I think the tenors

are putting together bell charts for "Kokomo."

What?

Before you step in any more dog doo, Ernie,

I think I should tell you.

We've been through this before.

Hank tried FAM, and it never really paid off for him.

It-it takes hard work. You know?

I just want everybody to have the opportunity.

But everybody can't be their own boss, Ernie.

No.

Not everyone has the teeth to close, Jim.

Yes.

- Hi. - I need to speak

to Obie Garbeau ASA-fucking-P.

Obie Garbeau II.

Now, Cody. Call him.

Call him?

No can do.

He pays to get a new number every 23 days.

I mean, he's harder to reach than the president.

Well, then I'll go to his house.

Are you high on life?

It's on an island. Nobody knows where it is.

And even if you did,