About a Boy

Laurie, Andy, fetus.

Thank you for joining me here today

in this calm, meditative space.

I've gathered you here because I think it's--

Can you stop playing Bejeweled for ten seconds?

There's no--there's no wrong way to meditate.

- She told me that. - Give me your phone.

Well, there sort of is.

- Give me this. - What? Don't take my phone.

- Give me this. - I'm not 12 years old.

- You can't take it. - Oh, oh, oh.

See, I think this is actually going to be a really good time

to finalize the plans for your babymoon

'cause I think the babymoon is really going to ease

the considerable tension that I feel

between the two of you.

Perhaps even eliminate it. What--what ideas--

What plan have you come up with? Have you decided?

We have. We're having a staycation.

- Oh. - Yeah.

We're going to ship the kids off to my folks,

order some salads in, and some spa treatments.

Salads?

And for 48 glorious hours,

that house will be ours again.

Well, that sounds lovely, doesn't it?

Wha--what about my plan though?

Because, look, you get free buffet breakfast

in a superior room.

Okay, an expired Groupon

to the MGM Grand is not a plan, Andy.

I'm not hauling my pregnant ass up and down some Vegas casino.

Vegas! Vegas! Who said Vegas?

Honestly, the airport is fogged in right now,

but flights are going in about an hour.

We can go out of Oakland.

False alarm, Will. No one's going to Vegas.

Andy and Laurie are having a babymoon staycation, Will.

Stop making up words.

Andy, are you really going to let Laurie

bully you out of a trip to Vegas?

- Come on! - It's not--

It's not bullying. It's just--it's--

That's right, Andy. No, it's not.

And you know what? We just want to be alone

in our house.

Your house smells like poop and feet and vomit.

I am a professional doula, and I am currently doulaing,

- Oh really? Do you have a license? - You can't institutionalize

- healing, Will. - Oh, really? What's a doctor?

That's a different beast.

Andy, let me ask you something.

If you're not being bullied,

why don't you have a say in any of this?

Very true. Why don't I ever get a say in our vacations?

Let's see, um, do the words

"Bicycle trip through Laos" ring a bell?

That was 12 years ago! And we got on the news.

We got SARS!

The is the considerable tension

I was talking about eliminating.

Andy, I am putting my swollen foot down.

- Staycation. - House arrest.

Tension elimination.

You know what?

I got a foot too.

My foot is going to Vegas.

Okay, fine. Go to Vegas.

That's fine. I'm gonna be here

on my staycation with Fiona.

Thank you, Will.

In all my years--months,

as an unlicensed healer, I've never been--

Hold on one second, someone's talking.

You put the reservation under Will Freeman,

and I'll take a double bed by the elevator

per usual. Is this Stephanie?

Here we go.

Our date is saved. I found the knitting kit.

"Sharcus"?

It's our couples name.

You know, Shea plus Marcus... Sharcus.

You know, I already did most of the heavy lifting,

but I thought you know, maybe we could

embroider some flourishes together.

Sorry, Marcus. I don't have time.

I have to read this book. For school.

Great idea.

You know, I was gonna suggest a couple of study sessions

but I didn't want things to move too fast.

Uh, what's the subject?

Um, this isn't a school book.

Forget it. You wouldn't understand.

"Wouldn't understand"?

I read above the 12th grade reading level.

You know, I just finished Ladies Of Loom:

A complete history of wool and the women who shaped it.

And you know, it was actually--

it's not that kind of book.

It's about adult relationships.

You wouldn't be able to handle it, so stop asking.

Come on, Julio, work the instep.

These feet are walking for two.

Ooooh, that's the sweet spot.

Laurie, may I share something with you?

If it's about anything other than this man's hands

on my feet, then no.

I mean, as your friend, I would like to thank you for this

serene experience.

But as your doula, I do feel a bit guilty

about taking Andy's place.

Shh!

You see, I do think it should be Andy

experiencing the joys of Julio's hands.

Andy hates massages.

He had a bad experience falling asleep at the YMCA.

Come on, Julio, we're not in an oil drought.

Slather it on.

All right, baby, I got the whole itinerary planned out.

Day one: Poker, whiskey, steak.

Day two: Poker, whiskey, steak.

Am I missing anything?

- The Angry Rabbit. - The Angry Rabbit?

Is that an awesome meal, or a terrible strip club?

No, it is--

What are we doing? No, we're not doing that.

All right, let's go grab a couple of single malts

and hit the tables.

No.

What do you mean "no"?

No. I don't want to do that.

I mean, I just stared down a Laurie so full of hormones

she bit the head off her toothbrush.

I'm not gonna be controlled anymore.

Not by her, and--and not by you.

I don't control you. Come on.

- Yes, you do. - Let's go.

Every single time we go to Vegas

we follow Will's plan.

We play Will's games, and we drink Will's drinks.

Poker and whiskey aren't Will's plan,

they're God's plan.

This time we're following Andy's plan.

Hey, bartender, two Kahlua Mudslides.

Extra whipped cream.

This is so sick.

I always dreamt about hanging out in The Angry Rabbit.

It's where all the masters hang out.

Magic Milton,

Astounding Amos,

Ichiro The Invisible.

Arigato.

- So cool! - This place is not cool, dude.

The place is like Ocean's 0.

Oh, my God. Hey, psst.

If that's who I think it is, we gotta say hi.

I prefer not to speak to anyone, Andy.

Oh, my God. It's Andini.

And if anybody asks, you are my assistant.

Oh, no one's going to ask, dude.

Excuse me. Hi. Sir, um,

sorry to bother you, but are you Dennis The Deceiver?

I am what I am.

Or am I?

Just like in your show.

As a young illusionist, I always dreamed about

going to your elite College of Magic.

Oh, you're an alumnus? Why didn't you say so?

Sit down, kid. Give him a drink.

No, I'm not. Not an alumnus.

I-I applied. I just didn't get in.

Andy, who doesn't get in to magic school?

A lot of people. It's very competitive.

Competitive? It was magic school, kid,

not Dartmouth.

We accepted anybody whose tuition check cleared.

That's not true because

I actually got a rejection letter.

My wife showed it to me.

I'll never forget the feeling when I opened it.

We didn't have rejection letters.

Oh, my God.

She faked it.

Laurie faked the letter.

She denied my dream of pursuing the cape,

and she took it away,

just like she takes everything away from me.

Buddy, maybe you'd feel better anywhere else than here.

You okay, son?

No.

I'm better than okay.

Because Laurie's not gonna control me anymore, Dennis.

I'm free.

Bartender, a round of Mudslides for all free men!

I'm not a free man.

I'll take a scotch in a to-go cup.

Oof. This book is so much better than married life.

Andy's idea of erotic adventure

is sex with the TV off.

Laurie, I-I think you might have missed the intent