Speaking of Sex

* HUHH

* HAHH

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY LIONS GATE ENTERTAINMENT

[MAN VOCALIZING WITH RASPY GROWL]

THERE YOU ARE.

[MAN AND WOMAN MOANING WILDLY AND PASSIONATELY]

MELI--

Man: OH, GOD!

OH, GOD. COME ON.

MELINDA!

OPEN UP! IT'S ME!

Man: HEY, ASSHOLE!

USE THE DOOR KNOCKER.

OH.

OH! OH, I LOVE YOU!

MELINDA!

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?!

OH, GOD! DANNY, IT'S HIM!

HE FOLLOWED US HERE!

HEY, THERE IS SOMEBODY ELSE IN THERE!

OPEN THIS DOOR!

MELINDA! I--

AAH!

HEY, HEY, HEY!

AAH!

CALL THE POLICE!

UNH!

HEY, ASSHOLE, TRY THE DOORKNOB!

LET ME IN!

GET YOUR HANDS OFF HER!

YOU.

WHAT? MELI--

JESUS CHR--

YOU'RE SCREWING YOUR HUSBAND?!

YOUR HUSBAND.

HE FOLLOWED ME HERE,

AND WE REALIZED

WE DESERVE EACH OTHER.

ISN'T THAT ROMANTIC, DR. KLINK?

ROGER.

CALL ME ROGER, FOR CHRIST SAKES.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY GOING HOME

AND WORKING IT OUT WITH YOUR WIFE.

GO TO HELL, ROGER.

EX-WIFE, EX-HOME, OK?

Melinda: I UNDERSTAND NOW

THAT I WAS TRANSGRESSING MY LOVE FOR DAN ONTO YOU,

AND YOU WERE COUNTERTRANSGRESSING.

TRANSFERRING! BULLSHIT!

YEAH, ANY TIME A SHRINK

IS THINKING ABOUT A PATIENT MORE THAN HE NORMALLY DOES,

HE SHOULD ASK HIMSELF, "AM I COUNTERTRANSFERRING?"

SHUT UP. YOU CAN'T EVEN GET AN ERECTION, FOR GOD S--

I JUST HAD ONE, BUDDY.

HAIR! HAIR!

HE'S BITING!

Dan: I GOT HIM!

Melinda: DR. PAIGE, THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.

3 PEAS IN A POD.

EMILY, THEY WERE FORNICATING LIKE A COUPLE OF HONEYMOONERS.

DR. PAIGE, MELINDA AND I

HAVE WORKED THROUGH OUR PROBLEM.

SHUT UP. YOU--

AAH! DR. PAIGE!

AAH!

IT'S ALL RIGHT! IT'S OK! SORRY!

IT HAS A HAIR TRIGGER. IT'S OK.

HEY, HEY, PUT THE GUN DOWN, DR. PAIGE.

SHOOT THEM, EMILY.

THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, ROGER!

EVERYTHING COULD'VE BEEN SO DIFFERENT!

OH, SORRY. SORRY. IT'S TOUCHY.

IT'S TOUCHY.

MELINDA, COME BACK IN HERE!

EMILY, I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE UPSET.

SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO LET IT OUT.

JUST TRY AND LET IT OUT.

SAVE YOUR ENGAGING DEVICES, ROGER.

NO MORE BULLSHIT!

NONE!

I'VE COME FOR US!

SORRY! SORRY.

OVER HERE! OVER HERE!

HURRY! HURRY! OVER HERE!

HURRY! DR. PAIGE HAS A GUN.

WHO'S DR. PAIGE?

OUR MARRIAGE COUNSELOR. SHE'S GONNA KILL

MY HUSBAND AND DR. KLINK.

YOUR MARRIAGE COUNSELOR'S GONNA KILL YOUR HUSBAND?

AND DR. KLINK.

DR. PAIGE, HI.

UH, I WANNA THANK YOU

FOR GIVING MELINDA AND I THE--

THE TOOLS TO HELP COMMUNICATE AND SHARE OUR FEELINGS.

SHUT UP! OK.

EMILY, YOU'RE VERY UPSET.

SOMETIMES WE CAN FEEL AS IF OUR LIVES

ARE JUST SPIRALING OUT OF CONTROL,

JUST SPIRALING.

SAVE YOUR PSYCHOBABBLE

FOR YOUR LITTLE DOE-EYED PATIENTS, ROGER.

OK. OK, TERRIFIC.

YOU TWO OBVIOUSLY HAVE SOME ISSUES

YOU NEED TO WORK THROUGH.

THANK GOD.

NO. NO. WAIT. MOVE IT, KLINK.

OUT OF MY WAY! MEL, IT'S ME! OPEN UP!

Dan: SOMEBODY HELP ME!

Melinda: DON'T WORRY, DANNY!

WOW. WHAT DO WE GOT, SIR?

HOSTAGE SITUATION. 2 THERAPISTS.

DOMESTIC OR INTERNATIONAL?

THERAPISTS. SHRINKS.

SHRINKS?

IT'S A JOKE, RIGHT?

SOME KIND OF SURPRISE PARTY?

IT'S NOT A GODDAMN PARTY. IT'S VERY SERIOUS.

HER MARRIAGE COUNSELOR'S THREATENING TO KILL

HER HUSBAND AND HER THERAPIST.

HE'S NOT TECHNICALLY MY THERAPIST.

HEY, YOU'RE THE LADY FROM THOSE SEX TAPES.

SEX TAPES? WHAT SEX TAPES?

HIS HANDS WERE UNDER MY DRESS,

FIRMLY HOLDING ON TO MY HIPS,

MOVING ME BACK AND FORTH AWAY FROM HIM.

OK, MAYBE I BETTER START AT THE BEGINNING.

ABOUT 2 YEARS AGO, DANNY LOST HIS ERECTION.

YOU GOTTA SEE THESE TAPES, SIR.

PRETTY SOON, DANNY AND ME

WEREN'T EVEN TALKING, AND THEN

DANNY SLEPT WITH THAT COCKTAIL WAITRESS.

I THOUGHT HE COULDN'T GET AN ERECTION.

SO DID I. RIGHT.

OUR MARRIAGE WAS DOOMED.

THEN I SAW DR. PAIGE'S AD

ON A BUS BENCH.

"SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE TODAY."

"TOMORROW WILL BE TOO LATE."

HER BIG DEAL IS HONESTY.

HONESTY FIRST.

THE KEY IS HONESTY.

MARRIAGE IS HARD.

I KNOW. I'VE BEEN MARRIED 3 TIMES.

YOU'RE DIVORCED?

3 TIMES. THAT'S WHY I SPEAK FROM EXPERIENCE--

WHAT KIND OF TRACK RECORD IS THAT FOR A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR?

DAN! DAN? WHAT, "DAN"?

COME ON. WE'RE TAKING MARRIAGE ADVICE

FROM SOMEBODY THAT'S BEEN DIVORCED

AND ADVERTISES ON BUS BENCHES. WH-WHAT?

STAY WITH US, DAN.

YOU KNOW THE STORY

ABOUT THE GUY WHO GOES TO THE BARBERSHOP.

THERE ARE 2 BARBERS, BOTH AVAILABLE.

ONE BARBER HAS A TERRIFIC HAIRCUT.

THE OTHER BARBER'S HAIR LOOKS JUST AWFUL.

WHICH BARBER WOULD YOU GO TO?

YOU'D GO TO THE BARBER WITH THE BAD HAIRCUT,

NOT THE BARBER WITH THE GOOD HAIRCUT, SEE?

THE BAD HAIRCUT CUTS THE OTHER ONE'S HAIR,

AND VICE VERSA.

THAT IS WHY IT IS ACTUALLY A PLUS

THAT I'M THRICE DIVORCED.

OK.

LET'S START OVER.

WHAT DO YOU WANT OUT OF THIS THERAPY?

WE...

I WANNA SAVE OUR MARRIAGE.

UH, YEAH. ME-- ME, TOO, YEAH.

GREAT.

NOW TALKING ABOUT OUR PROBLEMS

IS THE FIRST STEP.

YOU CAN TELL ME ANYTHING,

AND HOPEFULLY YOU TWO CAN LEARN

TO COMMUNICATE HONESTLY WITH EACH OTHER.

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

WELL, UH...

DANNY AND ME...

WE HAVEN'T BEEN...

FAMILIAR WITH EACH OTHER IN A WHILE.

"FAMILIAR"?

INTIMATE.

NO SEXUAL INTERCOURSE?

JESUS, LADY.

WHAT ABOUT ORAL SEX OR MUTUAL MASTURBATION?

OH, MY GOD, MEL. LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.

WE DON'T NEED TO SEE SOME SHRINK.

NO. I THINK WE DO, DAN.

HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH--

DON'T. COME ON. WHY?

MR. HAPPY.

"MR. HAPPY"?

His penis.

MY--JUST SAY IT! PENIS!

I CAN'T GET MY PENIS TO STAND UP.

I-I-I'M IMPOTENT OR SOMETHING.

I CAN'T WAKE THE BABY.

I-I'VE-- I CAN'T GET A HARD-ON!