Vicious

# Is it so?

# Don't wanna let you go

# No, I never can say goodbye, boy

# Ooh

# No, no

# I never can say goodbye, no no no, no no no

Whoever thought?

You and I getting married.

Oh ho!

Did you ever think you'd live to see the day?

I wasn't even sure I'd live to brush my teeth this morning.

Did you brush them?

I'll get around to it.

I've still got so much planning to do.

Food, drinks.

The ceremony. Now don't get carried away, Stuart.

Remember, we're only spending that money from my incontinent-pad commercial.

But don't you have that audition tomorrow?

The big crime drama?

We could use that money, too. Yes, but I haven't got the part yet.

But it is for six episodes.

I play the owner of a book shop, who is attacked by teenagers with a crowbar.

I know that's something I'd like to see.

Thank you.

And I promise I won't get too carried away.

We'll keep it a simple celebration with all the people we love.

Yes, spending time with the people we love is the most important thing.

Oh, look. There's Violet.

Quick, hide.

I hope she didn't see us, I don't want her to think we're terrible people.

I think she already knows that.

I've invited her over for tea later. We can have a proper chat.

Yes or we can send her an email.

Oh.

Oh, hello, Violet.

We were just talking about you.

Oh, that's never good.

Hello, Vi. I'd get up and give you a kiss, but you're all the way over there.

It seems so odd,

but I could have sworn I saw you both on the street just now.

No.

No, we've been in all morning, I'm afraid.

But you're wearing your coat.

Are you calling us liars? No. I'm sorry.

How horrid of me.

To be accused of lying and in our own home!

Don't push it, Freddie.

So, how are the wedding plans coming?

Tell me everything.

Do you remember your wedding?

Yes, of course.

Well, just think the opposite of that.

But my wedding was lovely.

It was just everything that followed that was so unpleasant.

Wasn't my wedding lovely, Freddie?

It was shit.

But I looked fabulous, didn't I?

Maybe don't ask any more questions, dear.

Hi.

Oh hello, Ash, how are you feeling?

Not so great.

I guess it will take a while to get over being dumped by the love of my life.

Well, of course it will take a while, Ash.

I'll give you... one more hour.

So, here we are, Ash,

both of us newly single.

What do you suppose fate is trying to tell us?

That you should close your legs.

I think we should both start dating again, don't you?

I've already met somebody online,

who I think I can get really serious with.

Do you know anything about him?

I know he owns a computer.

At this point, that's enough.

I don't think I'll be ready to date again for a long time.

Well, I have some news that might cheer you up, Ash.

How would you like to be my best man?

I'd love to, Freddie. Oh, would you? I couldn't tell,

because you didn't say how honoured you were.

And that I could have picked anyone, but I chose YOU.

I'm really honoured.

Well, then, act like it.

I'm gonna throw you a wicked stag do. We can have it in my flat.

It's a little small. I hope that's OK?

Yes, anything's fine, just make certain it's one of the best nights of my life.

The stag do is for both of us, right, Ash?

Oh. I just thought...

You just thought what? That you were the woman.

And I suppose you have something to ask me, Stuart?

Do you mean, 'Why do you smell of alcohol at ten o'clock in the morning?'

'Would I be your maid of honour?'

Well, I suppose so.

I'm really touched that you would ask me, darling.

You actually asked you.

I believe it's 'matron' of honour, dear.

Or if there's anything older than 'matron', then it would be that.

Well, my, I shall need some help planning this wedding.

I heard my ex-girlfriend Chloe is an event planner now.

Maybe I can talk to her and she'll give you a discount.

That would be wonderful!

So far, all the money we have to spend is from

Freddie's adult nappy commercial. Mm.

I wet myself at my grandson's birthday party.

I went method on that one.

Aren't there any other acting jobs coming in?

Well, if we're lucky,

Freddie is going to get attacked with a crowbar.

Fingers crossed.

Freddie!

Shouldn't you be leaving for your audition?

We really need you to get that job.

Yes, all right, all right.

I was doing my vocal exercises and a tooth came out.

I've shoved a peppermint in there instead. Can you tell?

Not at all.

It actually looks better.

You should do them all like that.

Hi. You remember Chloe?

Of course.

Yes. How are you, dear?

I'm on three types of medication

since the last time you saw me, so I'm really fantastic.

Good, because you were a real arsehole.

So, congratulations.

I hear you're in the market for a wedding planner.

What are you staring at?

Nothing.

I just forgot how pretty you are.

Aw.

And I forgot how handsome you are.

Knock it off. Sorry.

Now we're looking to keep this very simple.

Not that simple, Freddie.

It is our wedding, after all.

I just don't want you dipping into our savings. We don't have any savings.

Oh, Christ, we're really living right on the edge, aren't we?

Please, sit.

Since Chloe's just starting out, she's willing to do you a deal on her fee.

Well, what if, instead, I were to give you access to some of my celebrity friends?

Helen, Benedict,

Mags... Maggie Smith.

Judi Dench and I are very close. In fact I'm just off to an audition now.

Do you know the television program Broadchurch?

Yes.

Well, this is a complete rip-off of that.

So it's bound to be just as successful.

Wow, if I could plan events for celebrities, that would be amazing.

OK. Yes.

I'll do it for free.

We might actually need a small fee from you as well, dear.

From me?

Really?

Really. We're helping you to establish your business.

Fair's fair.

I guess.

And, remember, Ash, I don't want you to go to a lot of trouble for my stag do. Anything is fine.

I was thinking punch and mini sausage rolls.

Keep thinking.

I'm off. Don't wait up.

But it's only midday.

I'd still prefer if you weren't conscious when I returned.

Alastair. Freddie.

Malcolm. Freddie.

Colin. Freddie. Rowan. Freddie.

Trevor. Freddie.

I thought you were dead.

I'm not.

Who's the empty chair for?

Benjamin.

He's dead.

I knew it was one of us.

Firstly, I want you to know

how happy I am that you're planning our wedding.

And how easy I'm going to be to work with.

So... Let's start with a hug.

Thank you, that's such a relief.

I drew up some ideas. Just tell me what you think. We'll take it from there.

Oh, that sounds wonderful, dear.

I hate everything.

Even the paper it's written on.

Oh, OK.

It would be perfect if we were planning a crap wedding.

Can I have another glass of water?

I think I need to double up on my medication.

Yes, that's a good idea.

You can take more than they tell you, you know.

Have another one.

Ah.

Can you maybe give me an idea of what you do like?

Er... Do you remember Princess Di's wedding?

I like that.

That's a bit tricky on this budget.

Oh, Freddie's at an audition that he's perfect for.

Once he gets the job, we'll have lots more money to spend.

That would be really helpful, because, right now, it's a bit tight.

We might need more money from you, then.

Hello, Stuart. I just brought you a little something for your wedding.

Oh, thank you, Penelope. I'm just so happy for you.

Hello, sweetheart.

She's a little young, though, isn't she?