Two and a Half Men

English Subtitles. Two and a Half Men S12E11 (720p) For Whom the Booty Calls - HDTV

I can't believe it.

I know.

Since you let me do it to you, I had to let you do it to me.

Not that.

Although, remind me to throw away that cat toy.

No, I meant the fact that you are cheating

on your husband to sleep with your social worker.

You just described a fantasy I didn't know I had.

Naughty social worker.

Show me on the doll where I should touch you.

Okay, I need to keep romantically what I do here

separate from what I do professionally out there.

Even though, in both cases,

I seem to work with the jobless and homeless.

I think we have a professional relationship.

You gave us a kid, I gave you an orgasm.

Well, technically, both of those are still pending.

But I'm serious.

If we're gonna do this, we have to establish some boundaries.

I mean, I'm overseeing Walden's adoption of Louis.

Right, right, I-I really don't want to mess that up.

It's just that I-I like spending time with you.

And I...

To my surprise...

Like spending time with you.

I'm kind of like poison ivy.

You don't realize you've been exposed until you get that itch.

Sync, corrected by elderman @elder_man

Hey.

Oh, what's that?

Yes, I am wearing the same clothes as last night.

Ask not for whom the booty calls.

The booty calls for me.

So I assume you're not gonna stop

until I ask who it was.

A gentleman doesn't kiss and tell,

but I'm no gentleman,

and it's hard to kiss a woman from behind.

Alan, okay, who was it?

I banged our social worker.

Ms. McMartin?

Again?

What can I say?

She gave my penis a good home.

I thought this was gonna be something that you did once,

like manscaping with a straight razor.

Please don't mess this up for me.

Oh, no, no, it's a good thing.

Uh, plus, we-we really like each other,

And we agreed to respect boundaries.

You know... personal life, professional life.

Okay, and what boundaries are you respecting

when you're bragging about having sex with her?

That's just something a man wants to share with his husband.

Oh, oh, that's Ms. McMartin.

She's here to check up on Louis.

It was supposed to be a surprise.

Wait up, hold on...

She told you this?

No, she didn't tell me... We have boundaries.

I saw it on her phone when I was going through her texts.

Hello, Walden.

Ms. McMartin.

Hi.

What a surprise.

Come on in.

Hey, girl.

You are social workin' it.

Can I get you anything?

Like a new boyfriend?

Okay, so obviously Alan told you about us.

Uh, yes, he has.

Look, I want you to know

this will in no way affect our professional relationship.

I am here strictly as your and Louis's caseworker.

And let me tell you something right now,

I want to back that case up.

You know, Alan, the lucky thing is that after I smack you,

there's already a social worker here to report it to.

So how is everything going with Louis?

You know, it's good.

Uh, but I have a couple questions.

Like... like, okay, for example,

what's the best way to discipline him?

Uh, I believe she favors spanking.

All right, what do I say

when he asks about his biological parents?

And how much cheese is too much cheese?

Okay, how about we just do one question at a time?

Okay, okay.

There's some cultural things, like...

Should I teach him a cool handshake,

or does that just make me lame?

Good question, bro.

Blow it up.

You know what might help?

Talking to other foster parents.

Actually, some of my dads have started

an informal support group.

They kick around these kind of questions every week.

Oh, that'd be great for you.

Uh, I went to a group for divorced dads,

and it really helped.

Uh, I also went to a group for people whose moms died,

but, uh, that was just wishful thinking.

Hey, buddy. Berta's gonna watch you

when I go to my meeting tonight, okay?

Okay.

We're gonna have a lot of fun.

Remember the last time when we learned about animals and math?

Yep. Wow, what'd you learn?

A trifecta is a sucker bet.

And?

Horses run faster when they poop before the race.

The kid's a sponge.

Good morning.

Speaking of sponges.

I got my first dads group tonight. Oh.

And before that, Louis and I are gonna go to the movies.

Then I'm gonna hit the gym.

Oh, you know what?

Why don't we go to the gym first?

That way, we can steal some waters

so we can sneak them into the movies.

You want to go?

Uh, isn't today when you go to the farmer's market

and bargain for bruised peaches?

I can just go to the supermarket.

They're all bruised when you bring a Sharpie.

I want to spend the day with you.

Oh, great.

You know, it's just that I-I was gonna head straight from the gym

to the meeting.

So...

if you go...

Oh, oh, I get it. Say no more.

Thank you.

You can just drop me off on your way.

Mmm, what do you want for dinner?

I don't know.

Who thinks about dinner

when you're still swallowing your breakfast?

I'll have hot dogs.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna do something to help me run faster.

Hey, fellas, the new guy's here.

- Hey. - Hey.

Hey, you going to spin class, sweetie?

Yep. See you later.

Hey, I'm Rick.

Yes, she is, but that was my wife.

My daughter's 40.

That's way too old for me.

This is Leo, and that's Jack.

Hi. Hi. Hey. Hey, nice to meet you.

That's, uh, Brian over there.

Just had newborn twins, so he just comes here to sleep.

Yeah, you could fart in his face, he won't even wake up.

Ah.

Here you go. Oh, thank you.

This place is amazing.

You got a bar, and the pool table, and the TVs.

You just add some hot chicks, orange paint and an owl,

and you got a Hooters.

Maybe Heidi can serve us beers when she gets back.

Why not? That's what she was doing when I met her.

So, uh, what's your kid situation?

Uh, I got a boy.

Uh, his name's Louis.

He's six.

Nice. I got three daughters.

I always wanted a son, so, uh, we adopted Josh.

Now I got half a girl's volleyball team

and a boy who wants to be their cheerleader.

But I love him... No judgment.

My wife and I adopted a four-year-old girl, Micah.

I also do alarm systems, in case you're in the market.

Give me your contact info,

I'll put you down on my weekly e-mail blast.

All the guys get it.

Mark as spam.

That is funny.

I got three grown kids from my first marriage,

and Heidi and I just adopted a seven-year-old girl.

Wow. You must really love kids.

Kids are fine. What I love is Heidi.

You saw her.

When I was in college,

her mother was in sixth grade.

And if you think about it,

my next wife isn't even born yet.

So, uh, why did you and your wife choose to adopt?

My wife is incapable of having children.

Oh.

Yeah, his name is Alan.

Oh.

A-Although, uh,

he did order boner pills from China once

that made him lactate.