Melissa & Joey

"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

I'm leaving, if anyone needs me.

- Hey, Aunt Mel. - Oh, jeez.

- Can I talk to you? - Yeah, sure, my door is always open.

Except right now. I'm slamming it shut behind me. Bye.

Wait. What? No, but this is an emergency.

My friend Scarlett got...

A boyfriend.

Oh, my God. I thought you were gonna say implants.

Because you're beautiful just the way you are,

and those things are expensive.

No, look, I don't know what to do.

Her boyfriend is always with her and he acts so strange around me.

Okay, well, invite them both over and make nice with the guy.

'Cause boyfriends come and go, but friendships last for months.

See ya.

Aunt Mel, I need you.

Holly's birthday is in three days and I haven't gotten her a present yet.

Get her one of those edible bouquets with the chocolate covered fruit.

Yeah, she'll love it. And if she doesn't, I'll eat it,

'cause those things are great.

- I need a real idea. - Okay, come back when you have a real problem.

She's helping me right now. Okay, so what do I when they come over?

You know what? The most important thing is that you go away--

I mean, go upstairs and call Scarlett quick quick quick.

Yeah.

Okay. Back to me. What do I get Holly?

You know, that is a very important thing I need to think about

because it's a critical decision.

It's gonna take a lot of thought.

Burke, I don't ask for much.

It'd just be so nice, after I work out,

if I could maybe get one, two gallons of hot water.

Somebody needs attention.

Somebody needs some hot water.

I bet this has something to do with that call from the gas company.

What call from the gas company?

The really angry-sounding one.

I wrote it down on a piece of paper and everything.

Burke, I cannot believe you forgot to pay the gas bill.

I didn't forget. I pay them when I see them.

The bills are supposed to be right here.

But ever since the renovation, things are all over the place.

People keep moving stuff. People.

There's a bunch of mail in here.

And oh, look-- a note that says, "Gas co. called, urge."

See? I told you I wrote it down.

You guys cannot pin any of this on me.

Oh, my God, there's a ton of these overdue notices in here.

That's it, from now on,

I am taking over all the bill-paying responsibilities.

Fine, Joe, you can handle my money.

Just don't get swindled out of billions of dollars

and lead us into financial ruin.

Oh, that's so funny

'cause that's what happened to me.

And if you go to the store, can you get some much bigger towels? Much.

You do know that's not an insult, right?

All right, everybody, before we decide our position on the food truck ban,

we're gonna have to do a little more research. Thank you.

Stewart, wait, I have one more legal issue to discuss with you privately.

I look forward to that, councilwoman.

Do you know what food trucks are out there today?

Please tell me it's the bacon-wrapped taco truck. I'm starving.

I don't know. I mean, can we really eat

at the bacon-wrapped taco truck and remain impartial on this issue?

I don't care if it's wrong. If it's wrapped in bacon, it's right.

Very convincing argument. Let's eat.

Burke, hey, look, do me a favor.

Talk to my friend Steve here in India.

Let him know I'm authorized to talk about your credit card account, please.

Why didn't you just tell him you're Mel Burke?

Because I'm an honest person. And I already tried that.

Fine.

I authorize Joe Longo to-- and we're on hold.

I don't think I've ever heard "I like big butts" sung in hindi.

So look, I was going through your bills.

We need to do some serious streamlining.

Joe, this is not a good time.

Oh, I'm sorry. Am I interrupting?

Yeah, but at least you're wearing pants.

Stewart, this is Joe, my nanny.

- Domestic manager. - Hi.

- Nice to meet you. - Yep.

You know what? Let me grab this and I'll be back to grab you for lunch.

I'll be ready to be grabbed.

Oh, yes, Steve, that is the year I was born,

or with a margin of error.

Hey, honey. Yeah, sure, I can pick up the kids.

No, I can't talk right now. I'm working.

Steve, I've gotta go.

Okay, I can't hear you over the sound of my growling stomach.

What are you still doing here?

You have my phone. Don't worry. All right?

I'm gonna help you trim the fat out of your bills.

- Shall we? - Definitely. Fine, trim.

But remember, wine and shoes are never fat. Do not touch them.

What is this, my first day?

Scarlett.

And here's Haskell, too.

Yay, Haskell.

Hey.

- Thanks for inviting us over. - Sure.

Anything for my friends.

So what are the three of us gonna do?

Well, right now I'm gonna pee

and you two talk amongst yourselves.

So it looks like you've been growing your hair out.

Yeah, not sure if I should cut it or keep it.

One of life's big decisions.

Yep.

I'm sorry, but I'm trying to see if we can have a regular conversation

you know, with, like, eye contact and everything.

All right.

Well, there must be something we can connect on.

Tell me your likes and dislikes.

Okay.

I like hip-hop, and I'm afraid of sharks.

That's so weird because I like sharks,

but I'm afraid of hip-hop.

You know, you're not so bad.

Really? So you think you might actually like me?

I'll give it a try.

I have a confession to make. I hope this doesn't make me sound weird.

Weird. I like weird. Let's hear it.

I kind of sit behind you in math class,

and I look at your neck a lot.

You have the cutest neck I've ever seen.

Okay, maybe I don't like weird.

Hey, Scarlett, you done peeing yet? 'Cause we need you out here.

Wait, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything.

I feel like such an idiot.

Look at you two best buds hanging out. So where are we going?

I was thinking laser tag.

Great. Let me get my scarf.

My big old scarf.

- How's the bill paying going? - It's going fine.

I got a quick question for you.

I'm gonna cancel one of your three gym memberships here.

So which one of these do you not go to the most?

Ooh, it's hard to say.

Yeah, just like I thought. Okay, all gone.

By the way, how was your business lunch with Mr. Armani suit?

His name is Stewart, and he's the assistant city attorney.

- Very nice guy. - Oh, is he nice?

Yeah, he seems nice. And the two of you guys seemed real chummy.

'Cause you're always, I'm sure, chumming it up down there at work, you know?

Well, people like me, and I smell good.

And no one down there at the office was concerned

about a married man having lunch with an attractive single woman?

You think I'm attractive?

Let's stay on topic here, okay?

Joe, single people are allowed to talk to married people.

I know. I'm just saying it looks a little funky,

you know, a little hinky.

It is neither funky nor hinky,

but let's get back to what's most important here.

So on your attractiveness scale, where am I?

Like 8, 9, 11?

I gotta go pay bills.

Ha ha. 11.

$80 for a Brazilian wax?

What, did she go to Rio to get this thing done?

"Wil-grnd-inc. Wil-grnd-inc."

What the heck are all these charges on here for wil-grnd-inc?

Wilton Grand Hotel, the Jewel of Downtown Toledo.

How may I brighten your day?

I'm sorry, did you just say "hotel"?

I said, "Wilton Grand Hotel, Jewel of Downtown Toledo."

- How may I brighten your day?" - I got it. Thank you.

Yes, I'm actually calling on behalf of a Mel Burke.

I'm calling about these recurring charges

on Ms. Burke's credit card statement.

We know Ms. Burke very well. I'm happy to check for you, sir.

Thank you very much. So what kind of lunches are these?

All the lobster you can put in your purse?

- ( Computer beeps ) - No, sir, these are all room charges.

Room charges? That's impossible.

She didn't have any overnight stays on these days.

Ms. Burke never stays the night.

She always checks out after a few hours.

Thank you for the evidence-- assistance.

Uh... Lennox.

I know, I know. I look ridiculous.

But apparently my neck has stirred up a lot of bad feelings.

So it's better for everyone if I keep it under wraps.

Great, good thinking, listen,

I want you to check out what I bought for Holly.

I need a woman's opinion and you're the closest thing I've got.

If you're so worried about it, why don't you just get her a gift card?

A gift card? Seriously? Why don't I just break my own nose?

All right, all right, let's see it.

It's cute.

I hope so.

I really want Holly to be happy because when Holly's not happy,

nobody's happy.

She's a lucky girl. You know that?

'Cause you'd never look at another girl's neck, would you?

Holly doesn't even let me look at her neck.

You're sweet.