Cougar Town

How great is it that we finally have a TV in the bedroom?

What's the opposite of "great"?

You were right. He smells good.

Step off.

So, what did you guys think of the 1985 classic

"The Breakfast Club"?

"Classic"? No one switched bodies.

And why does every movie and TV show need so much voiceover.

I mean, I hate thinking.

Why do I want to listen to someone else do it?

Voiceovers are a great storytelling device.

You can get out exposition fast,

plus you get to see inside a character's head.

That's so stupid.

Is this my life now-- hanging out with the gang,

having a son who's gone off to college

but, for some reason,

spends most of his time with me and other adults?

Still, I feel like there's a new experience for me

just around the corner.

I wonder what's gonna happen this week.

_

You guys, I can do the thing Molly Ringwald does

with the lipstick in her cleavage when I'm wearing a low-cut top.

Wait, who's this?

Okay, they're all talking about "The Breakfast Club."

Get in there, but make it sound smart. And go.

I thought it sucked.

Nailed it!

- What?! - Have you lost your mind?

He gave us the brat pack, Jules!

It was so dramatic.

When you're a kid, your problems aren't that important.

I don't know. I feel pretty lucky to be alive.

So many close calls when I was younger.

I didn't know what it was called at the time.

But when I was 14, I got waterboarded.

Obviously, I've been arrested a bunch--

once for impersonating a cop, once for assaulting a cop,

once for trying to have sex with a cop,

which ironically is called a 10-69.

It's not that funny.

Oh, honey, I don't think any of us here

have had such a criminal past.

Uh... what I'm about to say

deserves historical preservation.

It is Tuesday, April 2nd.

"I agree with Jelly."

When I was a kid, I got in lots of trouble with the law.

I got busted being a male escort.

No sex, just over-the-clothes stuff, you know?

I shot someone.

I wish I had a funny follow-up, but I don't. He didn't die, though.

I hate being the odd man out. Say something.

I don't always wear my seatbelt. But, whatever. I don't care.

Yes, you do, you liar.

"Burn in hell, you sad, desperate, skank."

- Texting your mom? - Yeah.

But I'm also gonna cut and paste it

to whoever wrote this nasty yelp review about Krazy Kakes.

- Yelp, huh? What do they say on there about gray's pub? - No.

If the internet has taught me one thing,

it's that you don't read your own reviews.

Also, don't Google your name with the safe search off.

I once got drunk and gave this interview to Vi magazine

about how Dr. Dre was the black Phil Collins.

Not everything that I said made sense.

Also, I was topless.

I ain't "scurred."

Okay, first review-- "Princess Bridezilla."

Ugh! She is the worst!

"Gray's Pub. Good food. Great drinks"-- score.

"Too bad the bartender is an obnoxious dick"?

Are you okay?

Please. Like I care about what some internet jackass thinks.

The whole world hates me!

It's 'cause I'm fat and gross.

I've been thinking-- I grew up on a farm.

And before I knew it, I had Travis.

So you know, if my life didn't get in the way,

- I could have been a badass like you guys. - Oh.

I love her for letting that "badass" comment slide.

I bet she thinks

I'm gonna let that "badass" comment slide.

You're not a badass.

If we knew each other when we were 16,

and I asked you to drive the getaway car

while I stole a case of vodka-- which happened--

what would you have said?

At 16?

I would have said I'm not gonna drink my dreams away.

Because you're a goody-two-shoes.

I'm not a goody-two-shoes.

Oh, please. I bet you cannot even make a crank call.

Watch this.

Oh, hello? Uh, is your refrigerator running?

What? Oh, they turned your power off?

I know.

The economy is really tough on everyone.

My work here is done.

As usual, nothing too interesting

happening over here in The Sea Story.

- Never is. - This is true.

Yeah, and I'm starving.

Oh, well, that explains why I'm famished.

Oh, with people I'm close to, I'm an empath.

Just nod. Someone will explain what "empath" means.

I feel what everyone else is feeling.

Bobby gets hungry, I get hungry.

That's what an empath is, Trav--

- someone who gets hungry when you get hungry. - Close.

Hey, Trav. I saw you from the beach.

Want to go grab some fro-yo?

No, I don't think I'm up for it.

Okay. Bye.

Why was she so bummed out?

She wanted to hook up. "Fro-yo" means casual sex.

Oh!

Makes sense because Riggs asked for Greek yogurt the other day

and then she put her thumb in my butt.

I do not like Greek yogurt.

You know, I think I'm just tired

of running around with random girls.

I mean, it was fun for a few months,

but eventually sport-humping randos

starts to feel a little empty.

Oh, that settles it. He's not my son.

Good for you, buddy! Respect.

God, I am bored.

Maybe I should ruin Grayson's day.

Oof!

This comment says the d-bag bartender is so vain,

he probably works out behind the bar.

How do you do that and keep your upper-body so still?

It's all about core strength.

- No! - Okay.

See, you're obviously a giant bitch,

but I'm getting bashed

and I don't say anything mean to anyone.

You don't have to say anything.

The contempt is all over your face.

With you, it's all about "the look."

Oh, God, the look!

It's like staring into two tiny pools of judgment.

Exactly!

Ellie and I are a team.

The sexual tension has never been stronger.

You can try to hide it, but face it-- you are a hater.

And every single person in this bar

knows exactly what you're thinking.

That's absurd.

Hey, can I get a beer?

Sure thing, Jerry.

Nice tank top.

You might want to bring your chest along next time.

You know what? Forget it.

- That was it. - It's the look.

Okay, great.

Yeah, I will leave a key in the mailbox,

and you and your family can come shower.

Bye.

Damn it!

Ellie is right-- I don't know how to get in trouble.

Don't bum out, Jules.

Not everyone is blessed with our God-given lack of judgment.

Look, if you want to stir up some trouble, we can help.

I'm 43. What the hell kind of trouble can I get into?

My hospital has all the ingredients you'd need

to cook some grade-A crystal meth.

Just FYI.

I'm not gonna steal drugs, Tom.

But you could steal something small.

I'll come with! I need a new hairdryer.

Ooh! If we go to a grocery store, I'm in.

I'm starved.

- Let's do this! - Yeah!

Hey, where you guys going?

We're going to rob a grocery store!

- Whoo-hoo! - Have fun!

Okay, I'm about to break the law. Act natural. Cool store.

I can't wait to get all the stuff I need and pay for it.

Are you okay?

I have to pee again.

Is that a camera?

Pretty sure it's a sprinkler head.

J-bird, I'd love to stay

and watch you pull your first Schneider, but--

- What's that? - It's a buddy of mine who steals a lot.

- Oh. - But I can't do anything until I eat something.

Oh, crap, that's the store manager.

He looks pretty sharp.

Uh, hey, champ, someone just dropped a whole carton of eggs

in the dairy section.

Go clean it up.

All right. Geez.

Here you go, beautiful.

People think I'm a dick?

Fine. I'll just fake it and act nice.

Here's the flaw in your plan-- watch this.

Tom, I am so happy that you're part of our gang now.