Semi-Detached - First Season

How are your parents? I hate it here.

That doesn't count! I'm on the phone!

What are you doing? Helping Mummy with her backhand.

The new tennis courts are to die for.

How's Bertha? Bit grizzly.

Keeps screaming at the peacocks.

Are you still in bed? No.

Stu, you're so lazy.

I didn't get in till three.

One of me speakers fell on the bride.

Oh, my God. Is she all right?

No.

Well, look, Daddy's driver's setting off in ten,

so we shouldn't be long.

Remember you've got Bertha this afternoon. I've got Aqua Pilates.

Yep. April, we're picking medlars!

Oh, I've got to go. Love you!

Bye.

What are you doing here?

Have you taken something?

What's going on? Who are you?

I'm Stuart. I'm a wedding DJ. I haven't got any money.

Please don't kill me. Shut up!

If this is about last night, it's not my fault.

The bass was too high on Pass The Dutchie.

I said, shut up, and give me that!

Right. Sit down.

What are you doing in his house?

It's my house. He's my brother.

You said it was your house.

All right. I popped back for your iPad. You are a piece of work.

I couldn't agree more. All right. Get a room.

Can someone tell me, please, what is going on?

I did tell you I might have ruffled quite a few feathers.

You've ruined my life! Have I, though?

I've lost everything! You obviously didn't read the small print.

I made it clear that there was a tiny risk that, should markets dip,

that you might lose a portion of your investment.

The bank's taken my house. My wife's kicked me out.

I've been sleeping in the car! I can't afford the kids' school fees.

All I've eaten in the last three days is your banana!

I will get you a new banana. Fuck his banana! I want my money!

Fucking hell, Charlie. How much do you owe him?

100 grand. Jesus!

You haven't got... He hasn't got that kind of money.

Course he has. He's absolutely broke. Stuart...

No, he's not. Are you?

Stuart, how much money have you got on you?

There's 45 quid in the Carte D'Or tub under the sink.

Mmmm, no there isn't.

Oh, fuck! Oh, my God!

All right, all right. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I've got some money stashed away. What?

How much? How much?!

It's a bit under 50 grand. How much?!

Where is it? It's somewhere safe.

All right, all right, all right. I stashed it

in one of those sacks of gravel in the shed.

You buried 50 grand in my gravel?

With a bit of help from Dad. Dad knows? Why was he helping you?

Me back.

50 grand? How could you? I've been paying for everything!

Shut up, both of you! I need to think.

Could just get it out.

You, get it out.

Me? Why me? Well, it is your gravel.

Who's that?

I don't know. All right.

Get rid of them and no funny business, or he's dead!

Yeah. No funny business, Stu.

Oh, Stu, you're still in your jimjams.

I'm having a day off.

No, you're not. You're supposed to be next door!

Oh, your anniversary.

Yes, my anniversary.

You've already missed the Buck's fizz.

Chops are on the barbie, so go and get dressed.

I've lined up something a bit special for Sandy.

You OK?

Ey?

Plea?

Clondon plea?

No, you've completely lost me, I'm afraid.

50 grand! I bought you a waffle-maker.

And very nice it is, too.

I've been living off beans on toast the last two months.

Well, you should have said. Would have made you a waffle.

Stop bickering.

Shit! What?

April. Who's April?

Me girlfriend. She's on her way back. Shit.

You'll have to call her. Tell her to stay away. Say what? I don't know.

Tell her you met someone else. Oh, she'll never buy that.

Oi, oi, oi. Speakerphone.

You could be talking in code.

Hey, Daddy Bear. We're just getting in the car now.

Um, there's a bit of a problem this end, sweetheart.

What do you mean?

I've flooded the bathroom.

You and your bloody IBS!

Yeah. Maybe you should stay at your mum and dad's for another night.

No way! Daddy's driving me potty.

He's hit the Dubonnet. Well, so stay in a B&B.

I'm not staying in a B&B.

What about a Travelodge?

They don't have spas!

Where do you want to stay, April?

Maison Chic.

It's 300 quid a night.

Fine. See? This is why we're getting on so well.

You're so impulsive these days.

Daddy?

Bertha's rolling towards the lake.

I've got to go. Bye. Give me that!

Right. Where's this gravel?

You are fucking joking?

Which one is it?

I can't remember, can I? It was six months ago.

Who keeps this much gravel?

I only wanted three, but I double clicked. They won't take them back.

We'll just have to go through the lot, then.

Don't just stand there. Give us a hand.

What, with my knees? Nothing wrong with your knees.

What do you take?

What?

For your guts. IBS. I can't shift mine.

I don't know. Ginger?

Oh, does that work? Does it bollocks!

You're a prick, Charlie.

You should have more faith in me.

Based on what? When have I ever let you down?

Always! All the time!

Apart from that? It's all right for you.

You drift through life with no responsibilities.

I mowed your lawn a few weeks back. It's Astroturf!

All right, I hoovered it, then!

I'm the one that has to go to work every day,

just so you can spend the afternoon wanking in front of the telly.

Poor you! Look at me with me job, me big telly,

me nice house and me fish tank!

You've got no idea.

Try being me for ten minutes. Give us the gun, then. Shut up!

Oh, my back hurts.

Just get on with it!

Make sure you have a nice bath later.

Take a couple of ibuprofen. That's what I do.

Used to, till they took the house.

Now my wife and kids are in a shitty bedsit,

and I have to sink-wash in a Sainsbury's bog.

Scrub my boxers with hand soap.

Stu!

Shit. All right, Baz?

Charlie! Long time, no see.

What's all this, then?

Gravelling the lawn in your jimjams?

Er...

Oh, how rude of me.

Barry Foskin.

Mick. Mick what?

Mick...Mock.

You're not one of the Salford Mocks, are you?

Had a run-in with them in '76.

So, what you doing?

Mick's...

Mick's...cat's dead.

Oh...

Yeah. We're just burying it.

In gravel.

He, er, lives in a tower block. No garden.

Penthouse. Family loves it. Yeah.

Must have been squashed by a good 50 or 60 cars.

Poor thing looked like a hairy pancake.

Nissan estate? Duvet in the back, takeaway cartons,

empty miniatures?

Yes, yes, it's mine. You wouldn't mind shifting it,

would you, Mick? Only my mate, Terry, needs to get his car

as close to the house as possible,

what with his gammy back and arms.

I can't really do it right now. I need to get this shit sorted.

Oh... I'll do it. No!

You do it.

Full disclosure, I have had a couple of Camparis.

Yeah, just do it!

Please.

Yeah. Please, Barry.

Right you are. Word to the wise -

dead cats in gravel do kick up a pong during the summer months.

Turn it up! 11!

Come and shake that booty, Barry! Yolanda!

Tango in two ticks.

Liz?

It's Barry, Stuart's neighbour.

Can I just say, condolences on the cat.

No. I think you've got the wrong number.

This is Mick's phone.

Mick.

You may well have called Simon but you've got through to Mick.