Suburgatory

If you want me to say "I'm sorry", fine.

I'm sorry I didn't record it in HD.

But I really don't see that much of a difference.

Ok, that... that is what upsets me the most.

There's a huge difference, Dallas.

Why don't we just agree to disagree, okay?

High-def, low-def,

mos def. I don't care.

Babe, it's an objective fact...

HD is better than regular D. They improved it.

Why wouldn't you want something that's been improved?

It's like a doctor offering you penicillin

and going, "no, thanks. I'll go with leeches."

Look, George, it's been a long day.

Fine. I'm just saying we pay all this money for cable,

we should at least get our money's worth.

Oh, you're gonna get your money's worth.

That came out sounding a little prostitute-y,

but you know what I mean.

I'm serious, Dallas. It's not just the cable.

You know, we also have two Netflix accounts.

I mean, who are we? Jay-Z and Beyonce?

Think about it... if we lived together,

we would save on groceries, on utilities...

So what are you saying, George?

You wanna move in with me

'cause it sounds like a good deal?

Well, yeah. But also 'cause it makes sense.

I mean, we're stable. We're happy.

We're over at each other's houses all the time.

Let's consolidate.

Well, when you put it like that...

Yeah. Come on.

Let's... let's shack up... (Pats leg)

and stick it to our cable providers.

Just think about it, okay?

Okay. I'll think about it.

While George and Dallas contemplated a future together,

I was going through the opposite experience.

My boyfriend was preparing to leave,

and all of Chatswin was waiting for him to announce

which college he would play football

and, theoretically, take classes at.

I'm, like, freaking out right now.

Like, the press conference is tomorrow,

and I have no idea what I'm gonna decide.

What should I decide?

Why don't you just say you need more time

and postpone until you've decided?

No, I... I can't. It's, like, a whole thing.

There are hats involved.

- Okay. - Uh-huh.

Then let's go through the options again.

Okay.

Rutgers. Super solid team,

super close to Chatswin,

and super good for maintaining our love.

- And then there's... - Mid Florida Tech.

They are one of the all-time winningest-est-est teams

in the country. And it's my childhood dream

to go there and own my own alligator

that I keep in the stands and teach to say my name

so it can cheer for me during games.

- But... - But it's Florida.

I'd be out of sight and possibly out of mind,

and when you came to visit,

your hair would probably look horrendous.

Right. But you can't pick a school

based on how the climate's gonna make my hair look.

No. (Exhales)

- No? - No.

No.

I think I decided.

I want you to decide for me.

Ryan. Look, I'm happy to help you make this decision,

but it has to be your decision.

Okay.

Ryan Shay! Ryan Shay!

Mid-Florida Tech wants you...

real bad!

What?!

I'm, like, halfway to an alligator here.

Okay. That's enough.

Seriously, whores. Beat it.

Aw, they seemed sweet.

* last night I had a pleasant nightmare *

Not a lot of curb appeal.

But what she lacks in looks

she makes up for in girth.

That's a handsome lot you're sitting on.

You lookin' to sell?

Oh, no.

No one takes pictures of their house for no reason.

What's the story, Sport?

Can't make the payments? Got a thing for the ponies?

- You back on the pipe? - Look, Dallas and I

are thinking of...

Living in sin? Hurting God's feelings?

Moving in together. Potentially.

So I guess you could say

I'm considering putting my place on the market.

But we're not there yet.

What if I told you I had a buyer?

A buyer?

I have a couple

who are dying to live on this block,

and who would probably pay well above market

for that pile of peeling paint you call home.

How far above market?

That remains to be seen.

Hi, Tessa.

Oh, hey, Dalia.

Ryan's totes lucky to have you

to help him make his big decision or whatever.

Just a sounding board really.

He's still totes lucky.

You're really good at getting involved in things

you don't really need to get involved in.

Uh, thank you.

Listen, Dalia, are you upset...

that I found out you hooked up with Jenna?

'Cause I didn't tell anyone.

O.M.G., that's totes not it.

I just hope one day I can return the favor

and get involved with something

you might not want me involved in. That's all.

Like what?

Okay, so these are the California schools.

How do you feel about California?

- You mean sexually? - No.

Ryan, before you answer,

just remember that if you go that far away,

your mother and I will die of grief.

Upon which I will bury them, sell your belongings,

and move to Oregon.

So university of Oregon?

She's my only remaining family, Tessa.

We need a rational adult.

Where's Sheila?

Sheila was avoiding dealing with the pain of Ryan leaving

by throwing herself into work, headlamp first.

That's Leslie.

Leslie.

Leslie!

Leslie!

Oh, Sheila, hi.

Boy, am I glad to run into you.

You know me. I love this neighborhood.

I know you do.

I jog through every night

just hoping one of these places will go on the market.

- Yeah. - I can't help it. I just...

I see us here.

I see you here, too.

In fact, I see you right... here.

Is that house being listed?

Nope. And it never will be.

Because you are going to buy it

before anyone else gets the chance to.

Oh, Sheila!

I know. I know. We could be neighbors.

I could help you raise the baby.

(Laughs)

Oh! Oh, they grow up so fast.

Oh, before you know it, he'll be a man,

and ready to abandon you for college.

- Oh, she's actually a girl. - Oh.

Well, you can always try again. (Laughs)

Thank you both for agreeing to a sidebar.

Obviously, dad can't discuss the matter without...

My beautiful boy!

My velveteen colt!

Did he just say "velveteen colt"?

Listen, I know which school Ryan should go to.

And my endorsement is completely unbiased.

Uh, Lisa? Whoa.

Where did that come from?

Tessa, the origin of that insanely gorgeous

80" flat screen is unimportant.

What is important is this.

"The North Las Vegas Institute for Casino Studies"?

Go, gamblers! Is that a big sports school?

Um, it's a big sports betting school.

Lisa Marie Shay. I can't believe you.

You sold out for a flat screen?

And a pair of snakeskin boots

that quite frankly look like they belong on Toby Keith?

These here are premium snake,

not to mention...

the pearl finish Escalade.

Holla.

They gave you a pearl finish Escalade?

Holla.

They gave you a pearl finish Es...

Oh, wow!

We're leaving.

Wait. No. Ryan?

If you won't listen to me,

at least just listen to your birth mother.

Hello there. I'm your mama...