Glee

So here's what you missed on Glee: Rachel's in New York,

and her new friend Brody is way hot, but Finn's still M.I.A,

and her dance teacher Cassandra totally hates her guts.

Thank God Kurt showed up, so now they can be classic

New York roommates and shop for shoes and stuff.

There's a new girl in Glee Club named Marley,

and she could be the next big thing.

So could this kid Jake, and it turns out he's Puck's

half brother and Puck totally doesn't know about him.

And that's what you missed on Glee.

My name is Brittany S. Pierce,

and I finally know how Jesus feels

in his house way up at the North Pole,

because I am on top of the world.

Senior year was awesome,

and now I get to relive every minute of it.

I'm head Cheerio!, vice-Rachel of the glee club,

and now I'm planning

a Middle East style

sham election that will install me

as senior class president for life.

Brittany, who are you talking to?

I thought I was doing a voice-over.

Okay.

It was kind of a rough summer.

I really miss Santana, but...

for now, all I have to say is...

It's Brittany, bitch.

Well, that was just garbage.

Garbage wrapped in skin.

Brittany, my office... now!

Brittany, I'm afraid it's time for a little tough love.

I hold in my hand the most recent

algebra test of one Becky Jackson.

Our plucky little Ewok

waddled her way to a respectable C-plus.

Now, your performance,

very same exam,

unearthed the hitherto

undiscovered grade...

F-minus.

You answered every question with

"see other side," where you composed

an elaborate crayon-scape entitled "Happyville."

"The town where math was never invented."

Yeah, that's me, and that's Santana,

and that's Kurt and Rachel in Heaven.

- And, look, that's you. - Brittany,

You're a terrible role model for the Cheerios!

Last year, I was lost in a haze

of pregnancy hormones, and I allowed

your record breaking GPA to slide.

The Cheerios! Grade point average has dropped

three full points. My girls no longer see

academic achievement as a worthy goal,

and yesterday I caught

one of them trying to marry a squirrel.

That's 'cause I believe in marriage equality

- for all land mammals. - Brittany,

You're off the Cheerios!

I'm giving the top spot to Kitty.

I'm afraid you're going to have to

lose the high pony.

Tough love feels a lot like "mean."

Britt, I'm so sorry Sue was so mean to you.

I wish I was there to make it all better.

Yeah, me too.

Do you think we could scissor-Skype later?

I've got cheer practice every night till midnight,

until homecoming.

Look, I love you, Britt, but I'm so late.

I got to go, okay?

- I'll text you if we get a break. - Okay.

Have fun.

- Okay, bye. - Bye.

I'm not speaking to you.

I know you joined a gang.

The tango.

You have to have it in your arsenal, people.

The first thing you need to understand is

it's all about sex.

When you are dancing the tango with someone,

you're seducing them. Partner up.

We're gonna start with abrazo, the embrace.

Not you, Schwimmer.

Keep practicing those jazz hands back in the corner.

Wait... but I... Ms. July...

I'm sorry, um...

if I'm ever gonna play Evita,

I'm gonna have to learn how to tango.

We're short a boy, so a girl needs to sit out.

And you don't have enough sex appeal

to pull off a credible tango.

You're awkward and tentative in your body,

and you move like you're ashamed of it.

Arms up!

Ready? Five, six, seven, eight.

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight.

Sorry I'm late.

Someone stole my compass.

I can't wear my Cheerios! uniform anymore,

so I got this outfit in the lost and found.

Take a seat, Britt.

Am I getting kicked off the glee club, too?

Of course not.

- We're just really concerned about you. - Yeah.

Um... Brittany,

you know you've had some setbacks lately,

and, um, it looks like you might be feeling

a little bit blue.

That's okay. I started taking

Lord Tubbington's pills for feline depression.

Brittany, I-I think you and Emma should meet daily for a while.

I think you've underestimated the impact

- being held back has had on you. - Well, thanks,

But I don't really have any time.

After school, I'm hopping into bed,

eating cashews and bacon,

and then watching The Client List marathon.

And with that, I said good-bye,

and swooped out the doorway,

my voice-over continuing down the hallway.

Okay, what was that?

You know, everything's been taken away from her.

She doesn't have anything to hold onto.

Clearly, she's lost her identity.

We need to bring Brittany back.

Great news, guys.

Principal Figgins has asked us to perform

at the annual back-to-school pep rally this week.

Now, I understand our National Champion

street cred has dropped a little bit since school started,

but this is our chance to really wow them and get it back.

- What are we gonna perform? - Good question.

We're a family in here, and when one of our family

is falling down, it's up to us

to get together to pick them back up.

Oh, my God. Are we doing Britney Week again?

You really came into your own during the last Britney Week.

You showed us the best of Britney.

Youth, energy, confidence.

She inspires you, and you inspire us.

So everyone prepare a Britney song for the week,

and we're gonna pick one to do for the pep rally.

And I've asked Blaine and Artie to give us a little taste

of what we're looking for.

This one's for you, Brittany.