Melissa & Joey

"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

Boy in film: We can't do it, mom.

We'll never beat those guys.

Mom: Well, Cody,

you've got something that big-city team doesn't have--

- You've got a whole town that believes in you. - ( Crying )

I believe in you, Cody.

- Tissue? - No.

- ( Cellphone rings ) - Yo, not much.

Just watching a movie. Nah, it's pretty lame.

- Crowd: Shh! - How many calls is this guy gonna take?

- Someone should shove that phone down his throat. - ( Man laughs )

- It'd be my pleasure. - No, Joe.

Look, I'd like to deck him too, but we can't in front of the kids.

- Man: Yeah, well-- - Damn it. Why did we bring the kids?

Kids ruin everything.

We can hear you, you know.

So you saw this one?

- Oh my God. - ( Mel sighs )

- The kid loses the big game? - ( People moan )

Someone has to talk to this guy.

I'm gonna talk to him with Mr. Chuck and Mr. Norris.

Joe, we have to set a good example.

- Since when? - I read this in a magazine

about controlling your temper.

It was a dog magazine, but the same principle applies.

So how's your brother? Is he still a douche?

Oh, go get an usher.

I'll be right back.

- Man: Nah, I got time. - Hey, you are making it

- really hard for me to watch this movie. - ( Beeps )

You know what's making it hard for me to watch this movie?

This beanpole freak of nature here blocking my view.

You did not touch him!

- I think I did. - No, you don't touch him.

- Or what? - ( People murmuring )

Or I will get the manager.

You go do that, blondielocks.

- You go do that. - ( Scoffs )

- ( Woman gasps ) - ( Lennox laughing )

We're good. He's quieted down.

Morning, Mel. I was just gonna beat these eggs,

but I figure you might wanna do it,

'cause one punch-- boom-- omelet.

Let's get ready to scramble!

Okay, if this is about last night,

I totally regret my actions.

That punch was not who I am.

What, are you more of an ear-biter?

You know what's so great about what happened last night, Councilwoman?

After months of you calling me a hothead,

who's the one who decks in the movie theater?

Hold on, let me savor this deliciousness.

You. You know why?

Because you are just like me. Ha!

I am nothing like you.

You know, sometimes even a rational person can be pushed to a point,

for instance, when her cub is threatened.

Cub? This kid is like 8 feet tall.

- You really wanna poke the mama bear? - ( Chuckles )?

Can we just move on? I don't want this to define me, you know?

Would you wanna be known only as the guy who worked for that company

that swindled people outonly as of billions of dollars?

That is all I'm known for.

Hey, Aunt Mel, look.

Somebody shot video of you at the movie theater last night.

- You've gone viral. - Oh.

"Blonde decks cellphone guy.

Who is this hot-headed hottie?"

You're not gonna let someone else take credit for that, are you?

Yes, I am. The Internet and I

are already very well acquainted.

That's for sure. Whatever you do,

do not Google "Ohio senator's daughter flashes world"

stepping out of a limo in a short skirt."

Hey, it was laundry day.

You did a lot of laundry back then.

Harper, this is not a good time for a meeting.

We had an appointment. Hey, you're lucky I showed up.

My ovary's the size of a baseball.

- So no donut holes for me. - The news is bad, Mel--

- poop-hitting-the-fan bad. - Well, what was I supposed to do?

He threatened me and my entire family.

What the hell are you talking about?

What the hell are you talking about?

I'm talking about the polling research.

As am I.

I am here to get you re-elected.

Do you see this line here?

Like my estrogen, you are trending down.

You just don't have a strong enough brand.

30% of the respondents think

that you're that perky weather girl who's banging the mayor.

- Uck! I would never. - Uck all you want,

but people know who she is. And it wouldn't kill you to wear a push-up bra.

Wait, 4% of people think Mel Burke is a city in Australia?

People don't know who you are

or they just don't see you at all.

Where's Mel? I don't see Mel.

Oh. ( Laughs )

There you are. Someone just sent this to me.

Is this you coldcocking a guy at the movies?

- Not now, not now. - Oh, this is what you're trying to cover up?

I lost my head, okay? This is not who I am.

I'm a negotiator, a consensus maker.

This video makes me look like a short, white, female Mike Tyson.

No no no, this is sick. I love it.

You know, voters always worry that a woman in public office isn't tough enough,

that she can't handle a fight. I can totally spin this like a dreidel.

Well, how are you gonna make assault and battery

seem reasonable and rational?

Like this: "Finally someone has the big, blonde cojones

"to deal with one of those movie-theater jerks.

"Three cheers for Councilwoman Mel Burke."

- Whoa! What are you, insane? - Oh, for sure.

And from now on, you're gonna be known

as fighter for the little people.

- Yay, little people! - Yeah.

Okay, look, Harper, I know you've turned around a lot of campaigns

I never lose. And don't you feel the same way that I do,

other unbiased citizen?

Yes. Boy, do I.

Well, then let your voice be heard in the comment section right there.

"Battling Burke sure gets my vote."

Who says women can't dish it out? Not me, because fundamentally--

- Send. Send, Stephanie. - Whoa whoa, wait wait wait wait.

Are we sure this is the smartest strategy?

Maybe we should all just take a breath here.

- Sure, after you press "send." - ( Beeps )

Now we can all breathe.

Not yet.

Wow, I recognize that burrito from my old school.

I heard it got pregnant and dropped out.

Whatever, I'm hungry.

Creepy new girl Hester eats by herself at that table every single day.

What makes you think she's creepy?

Her general creepitude.

She never talks to anybody.

She just scribbles in her little book and eats walnuts--

- nothing but walnuts. - She's just new.

I was new last year. It's hard.

Yeah, I remember. I hated you last year.

Hey, one person can make a difference.

It's Hester, right?

This may be a few weeks late,

but welcome to Grant High School.

- Who are you? - Oh.

I'm your new friend-- Lennox Scanlon.

You wanna share an unwed burrito from the '90s?

Amazing-- 537 comments already?

This could move my commando picture

to the second page of my Google search...

If such photos existed.

Oh, here's another one. "God bless battling Mel Burke

for making our movie theaters safe again. And how great is her hair?"

- ( Laughs ) - Even in a brawl it holds its curl.

- The public has spoken. - Bye-bye, weak polling data.

- And hello second term. - Yes.

Thanks for coming over to my house.

Well, you didn't leave me much choice.

Yeah, but this'll be fun. I mean a new friend?

How great is that? 'Cause you and I have so much in common.

You have colitis too?

No, I mean I write all the time

and I see you writing. You know, you and me, us writers--

we both have words just exploding out of us, right?

You sure do.

Can I get you something to eat? I know you like walnuts.

We even have pistachios if you wanna go nuts.

How long is this playdate supposed to last?

Hey, Lennox. Hey, Lennox's friend.

I'm not technically her friend.

But I'm working on it.

Apparently I'm her project.

She's entering me in the science fair.

No. No.

It's just a little back-and-forth thing we do.

You know, she's the dry one, I'm the goofy one.

Anyway, Hester, this is Joe and he and I are gonna

- get you that snack. - Okay.

- ( Chuckles ) - ( Chuckles nervously )

- We're gonna go over-- - Yeah.

Wow, she's a happy one.

I invited her over because she's new.

To what, the human race?

Okay, I was new last year. I had a hard time fitting in,

and I'm gonna do for her what someone should've done for me.

Get her a personality transplant?

Make her a friend. Bring her out of her shell.

You don't understand, Joe.

She's me.

Yeah, it's like looking in a mirror.

- Hey. - Hey there.

Oh, so tell me-- any backlash today

from the two-fisted justice you dispensed in the movie theater last night?

No, it did not come up.

Great, so you can just put it behind you,

- pretend like it never happened. - Exactly my plan.

Nice. Nice. Oh, on a totally unrelated matter,

these drawings of you wearing boxing gloves