Melissa & Joey

"With heartfelt thanks for the lovely wedding gift.

"Love, Mel and Joe."

Hey, hey, I would appreciate it if you would stop putting

a little smiley face in the middle of my "o."

How about a grumpy face with little, angry eyebrows?

Yeah, like that.

Okay, now, honey, this...

This right here is a fantastic wedding gift, all right?

It's called a wine aerator.

See, what happens is you pop the cork,

pour the wine through that baby, and boom.

You don't have to wait for the wine to breathe.

Wait, wine has to breathe?

I usually just get it in my mouth right away so it doesn't suffer.

Why don't we try this thing out right now?

Right now? It's 10:00 in the morning.

Ugh, you and your uptight rules:

No wine before 5:00, no sex in the car.

I was driving.

On a highway in a straight line.

Fuddy-duddy.

Okay, now the hard part...

Thank you notes for the gifts we don't like.

This is gonna take a bit of diplomacy,

a touch of creativity, and a crapload of lying.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, this is, um...

Yep, this is... Oh boy.

Ooh.

There's nothing good you're gonna be able to say about this, baby.

Oh? Watch this.

"Dear cousin Donna,

"leave it to you to find the most unique lamp either of us has ever seen.

"We're fighting over who gets to put it on their nightstand."

- Not mine. - Not mine.

"Love, Mel and Joe."

Good one. All right, now on to this monstrosity.

Ugh, what, does the guy who makes the coffee live inside of it?

What are we telling, aunt Bunny and Uncle Bert?

Sweet aunt Bunny.

She was too sick to make it to the wedding.

I kind of wish she was too sick to buy us this thing.

"Dear aunt Bunny and Uncle Bert,

"your gift brightens our mornings.

"Joe and I start each and every day

"enjoying a delightful cup of coffee from the..."

Oh. Oh, yeah. The IL Duce.

Uh...

"The latest technology in caffeinated beverage production."

- "Coffee machine." - Mm.

"Your gift is a centerpiece of our marital kitchen."

You really want it in the kitchen?

Are you kidding? I want that thing out of here, now.

Yes, ma'am.

All right. What's next here?

Okay, this is from your cousin Judy.

Yeah, this is gonna take all of your literary prowess

to come up with something nice to say about it, honey.

"How did you know we didn't have one?"

Oh my God.

Yes, aunt Bunny.

No, aunt Bunny.

Of course, aunt Bunny.

Bye, aunt Bunny.

That was aunt Bunny.

No kidding?

She's had a complete recovery

and has decided to visit all the relatives who wished her well.

Oh, and I take it that we're on the aunt Bunny:

- Still alive tour? - Mm-hmm.

Day after tomorrow. So, Joe...

Go to the garage and drag out that huge, hideous coffee maker

and put it in a place of honor in the kitchen.

There is no coffee machine in the garage.

I returned it to the department store just like you said.

What? Whoa, I never said return it.

You said you wanted it out of here.

Yeah, outta here. Like, out of my sight.

Like someplace else, like in the attic or garage.

Honey, that's not what you said,

well, that's clearly what I meant.

You know, aunt Bunny only recovered because of the love of family.

If she shows up, and we don't have a coffee maker,

she could die of a broken heart.

That only happens on telenovelas.

Uh, no.

Aunt Bunny is very delicate.

Okay? She broke her hip

yelling at Alex Trebek.

Hey, you guys, look at what Marco got me for our one-month anniversary.

The thigh gap conspiracy.

I pointed it out in a store a couple weeks ago,

and he remembered and got it for me.

I recognized the colors on the cover.

Can you believe this guy?

He is so sweet and listens to everything I say.

You're not helping me out here, Marco.

All right, well, we're going to the movies.

Lennox likes quirky independent films

where any nudity is "integ-ral" to the storyline.

Aw, it's pronounced "in-tegral,"

but that doesn't matter, because you heard me.

You know, seeing that cute, young couple reminds me...

I never said, "return it."

Listen, I'm pretty fluent in the language of Mel Burke, all right?

And in Mel Burke-lish,

"get it out of here," means, "get rid of it completely."

In the same way that, "is that a new cologne?"

Means, "flush it down the toilet right now."

What? You clearly do not know me at all.

Yet I know you so very well, honey, and that is why

I took that ugly coffee maker back and I got us something we both can enjoy.

A rowing machine.

- A rowing machine? - Yeah, a rowing machine.

But how am I gonna enjoy a gift I'm never gonna use?

Well, uh... You could enjoy

running your hands up and down my very well-defined back muscles.

Come on, smile.

No, I'm not smiling. You screwed this up.

Hey, you're the one that misled her, all right?

You're the one that had to write her that thank you note

saying how perfect her wedding present was.

Look, blame is not getting us anywhere.

So why don't we just agree that it's your fault and move on?

I'm not gonna agree to that.

I'll tell you what I will do though, all right?

I will get us a new espresso maker.

Tomorrow. It'll happen, I promise.

Thank you.

So are those back muscles of yours still open for business?

They never close, babe.

- Morning, Joe. - Morning.

Why are you looking at espresso machines?

I thought you guys already got one as a gift.

Yeah, well, your aunt Mel told me to get rid of it,

which turns out is secret wife code for,

"whatever I do is wrong,"

and now I have to replace it before this aunt Bunny person shows up here.

Hmm.

It's kind of funny.

You and aunt Mel are having trouble in the communication department,

whereas your nephew and I are getting along great.

Huh. And someone in this room thought that we were a bad match.

Do all the women in this family have a genetic predisposition to gloat?

It's not gloating.

We're just right a lot, and it's hard not to talk about it.

Oh! Score!

Yes, they got six of these coffee makers at Bed, Bath, and Burritos.

That's a housewares/Mexican food place.

You know, when I was going out with Zander,

it was just... his constant over-analyzing of every little moment,

it was too much.

I think what makes my relationship with Marco so great

is that he's just totally simple.

I mean uncomplicated.

Must feel great to be, like,

the best couple in the whole world.

- It does. - Hmm.

Let's see.

Oh, it's a text from your aunt Mel.

"Update on espresso machine?"

Four question marks. Yeah, that's how much she trusts me.

Hmm? (Chuckles)

Oh. "It's taken care of.

"Relax."

I could have just used all caps right there, but I didn't. I took the high road.

Hey, we're gonna need another bag of marshmallows

if you wanna make some more s'mores.

That's funny.

Do you think Mr. S'more knew his dessert kinda sounds like "some more"?

You are like a puppy on two legs.

Marco, it's your boss, Thorndyke.

Marco: I'll be right there!

Hello, Marco Sorrentino's office, how may I help you?

Oh, well, yes, Mr. Welles, I'd be glad to take a message.

Does Marco want the morning flight or the afternoon flight?

To where?

- Tokyo? - I got that.

Hey, Thorny, listen, I'm gonna have to get back to you on that.

Okay, great.

That's amazing. You're going on a trip to Tokyo?

Yeah. It's in Japan.

Thorndyke got invited to do an art installation and he's taking me.

Well, I'm jealous.

I hope you get some free time while you're there to do some sightseeing.

So, how long are you gonna be gone?

Well, that depends on which flight I take.

If I take the afternoon flight, it'll be six months,

but if I take the morning flight,

it'll be slightly more than six months.

Hey, sweetie.

How are you doing?

Remember how I told you how great the communication was with me and Marco?

Well, it turns out it sucks.

Whoa, I was just asking to be polite, but you're really answering.

Well, it turns out Marco wasn't telling me anything.

He is going to Japan for six months,

and he wouldn't have mentioned it at all, except I answered his phone and found out.