It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Fxx presents it's always sunny in Philadelphia.

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stop! Thief!

Come back here!

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come back here!

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what the hell?

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shit.

You're nothing but a street rat!

I may be a street rat,

but I still got your bread, bitch.

Excuse me, excuse me, are you, um...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm the suck boy you're looking for.

You want my time, you got to pay to spray.

That's my motto. That and you cannot finish inside me.

No, no, no, Matt. It's me.

Dad?

It's time to come home, son.

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you want me to come work for you?

Well, I want you to learn the business.

I'm not getting any younger.

It's time for me to pass the torch.

Oh, shit. What?

You're dying. What?

I-I figured. You look like hell.

Hey, has anyone claimed your organs?

I'm not dying, you idiot.

I'm retiring.

Oh. My bad.

I had to ask.

It's a seller's market right now.

Look what you've become.

Do you want to live this way, son?

Covered in manure, selling your body,

smoking pcp or whatever it is you smoke.

Oh, come on.

Do I look like a dusthead to you?

You certainly don't look like my son.

Matthew Mara. You remember him?

Come on.

Give the job a shot, for Christ's sake.

I'll think about it.

I got to pop in here first.

You don't have to go into a dive bar right now.

I'm just gonna clean myself up.

Have a little faith.

My friends have a very nice setup

for me to take a shower in here.

In fact, I'm the type of gal who makes men's lives better.

Hey-o! You guys mind if I shower

in that leaky urinal again?

Well, that... don't count that.

That's not a good example.

Ah!

Eh. While I'm here, I might as well...

Do a little p to the c to the p.

Take me to the angels, baby.

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it's time to come home, son.

Maybe it's time to make a change.

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all right, uh, this is the loading dock

where we, uh, ship our supplies from.

And right here...

This is you.

Whoa! What are you doing?

This is nice.

I'm gonna sleep well tonight.

No, no. You're not gonna sleep there. Come on.

Get out. Get out of the damn box.

You're gonna sleep at home in a bed.

Oh. Eh, too exposed. Yeah.

No. I-I'll sleep in, uh, maybe the crawlspace

- or a cupboard. - This is bullshit.

Hey, hey, hey, Davy, Davy.

Calm down, Davy. He's a homeless junkie, dad.

I don't even understand why we're doing this.

He's just gonna burn you again. All right.

When did I ever burn dad? You stole his identity.

Eight times! Well, at least

I didn't wet the bed till I was in high school.

Shut your mouth about that.

Whatever, Davy diapers. I will kill you.

Try it. Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Come on! Take it back!

You want another noogie?

All right, all right, boys.

Boys! Stop it!

His scalp came off on my fingers.

Goddamn it.

Now look here, guys.

We have an important meeting coming up.

It's our biggest account.

And I'm gonna tell them

that my boys

are taking over the business.

Both of them.

You guys need to get your shit together.

Got it? Huh?

Yes, sir. Yes. Yes.

All right.

I got my eye on you, loser.

And you stink like piss, by the way.

It's freakin' bullcrap.

What a jerk.

Huh?

Oh. Yeah.

He's always been a hard-on.

He's the one who stinks, by the way.

His shoes smell like rotten eggs.

You smell his shoes?

Yeah. He kicks at me

if he catches me sleeping at work.

Calls me a bitch, that kind of thing.

Yeah. He treats me like shit, too.

Sorry. I didn't get your name.

Oh. I'm belle.

Thus the necklace my mother gave me

that I'm currently guilt-wearing.

Belle.

That's a nice name.

I'm cricket, uh, Matthew.

It's nice to meet you, Matthew.

Hey, date!

Um, I'm sorry. What?

Shit. Sorry. Um,

haven't done this in a long time. Uh...

Would you like to go on a date with me some time?

Yeah. Yeah, I... I'd like that.

Yeah? Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Okay. Bye.

Okay.

Hey, boss?

You go by cricket? I do.

Phone's for you. Line two.

Oh, really?

- Mm. Hello. - Cricket!

Oh. Cricket.

Damn it! How the hell did you guys find me?

A magician never reveals his tricks, cricks.

Yeah. We did put that pet-tracking device in him.

Well, wait. Don't tell him that.

Wait. You did what? Wait. Did you put a chip in...?

Did you put a chip in me?!

Nothing, cricket. Hey, listen, um, we got a job for you, buddy.

Oh, do you? Well, uh, I'm not doing it.

Well, you don't even know what it is. Hey! Yeah. Come on, man.

You don't know what the job is, cricket. You don't know the job.

Doesn't matter. I know it probably involves hurting me,

degrading me or generally treating me like shit.

You're not totally wrong. Yeah. Yeah.

Cricket, uh, we'll give you five bucks, huh? Yeah, five dollars, cricket.

The answer is no.

All right. Fine. Three dollars.

Well, you don't go down in negotiation.

You go up. With cricket, you do.

Well, now it's $2.50, crick, so you want the job or not?

You know, ticktock.

Uh, look, guys, um,

I got a new life, so I don't need anything from you.

Ugh. Come on. Hey. Well, cricket, everybody needs a little extra cash.

Yeah. It's money, cricket!

Well, uh, actually, that is true,

because I... I do have a date.

Oh. Cricket. Cricket. Ah. Well, don't make up a story.

I mean, yeah, we don't care what you're doing with the money.

Hey, dipshit!

We're not paying you to talk on the phone.

Speaking of, I need some cash. When do we get paid?

Paychecks come at the end of the month. Who you talking to, huh?

Your drug dealer?

Your skeezy little arrogant douche bag friends

down at the bar?

Those guys are my friends! Whatever!

I am so onto you.

And I bet you're gonna be high by the end of the night.

Ooh!

Freakin' bullcrap!

He's getting yelled at.

Well, don't piss off your trick there, cricket. He might

- cut you up. - Yeah, just

finish the guy off, and then come do the job for us.

Yeah. All right, what's it gonna be?

We need a decision, cricket.

Mm...

Are we ready to party tonight?

so am I!

¶ Got 'em, everybody got 'em. ¶

dad? Oh! Janie? Oh!

Let's just have a good time and get drunk, huh?

Stuff it down with some brown.

Stuff it down with brown.

Can always stuff it down. Hey, good job, fellas.

I loved how you ruined that dad.