Tone-Deaf

["Busy Gyal (ft. Rocky Rivera)" by Perk Pietrek playing]

¶ Clock in When the mood strikes ¶

¶ I do what a boss likes Slow pokes they look twice ¶

¶ Cold bitch, I'm a Klondike Fuck boys get curved tough ¶

¶ When a girl gang Done roll up ¶

¶ Make a B-line For the green room ¶

¶ I get money to show up ¶

¶ I'm speaking at grad night ¶

¶ I'm living that rap life I'm sleeping like a baby ¶

Street sweeping is every Tuesday.

Why is that so hard for you to wrap your head around?

Life is too short to allow yourself

to be consumed by trivialities.

Well, sooner or later,

you're gonna have to face reality.

The whole man-child thing is so early 2000s.

-Chops will be ready in 10. -I'm not hungry.

Well, you can bring it to work.

Saving my appetite for free lunch Friday.

Fuck this!

This isn't working.

-Tell me about it. -You need, like, a younger girl

whose interests don't extend far beyond

eating, drinking, and fucking.

I already found one.

I'm actually kind of relieved. That strange?

Well, you don't ever have to talk to me again

and you get to be the good guy.

-Win-win. -Easiest break-up ever.

You mind?

Sure.

Now, get the fuck out of my apartment.

And take your parking tickets.

¶ Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept ¶

Uh, Riki, Riki. Riki.

Oh, bomber jackets.

Yeah, totes on trend this season, hmm?

-Mm-hmm. -Cool.

Uh, let's get that dialed in.

I'm not done yet.

Cool, cool.

Jesus Christ, he just winked at me.

Ew.

How did Asher

get put in charge of the entire office?

-What an asshole. -I know.

Hey, you ladies talking shit about me?

-What gave it away? -

-Uh, I heard asshole. -Um,

-at least he owns it. -Ooh.

Hey, you ladies know I was raised by women, right?

For the love of God, dude, just, like,

spare us the diatribe, okay?

We're over here, trying to make you money.

Olive, I'd like to see you in my office, in 10.

You're firing me? Why?

Um, general insubordination.

Are you kidding me?

Well, can you at least let me go at the end of the week?

Asher, come on, it's almost free lunch Friday.

I earned that meal.

-I deserve that meal. -Yeah. You know what?

It's probably best if you just grab your things,

and go.

You really are a spiteful prick.

Please don't make me call security.

-So long, friend. -We'll see you tonight.

We?

¶ It's such a difficult life Life, life, life ¶

¶ It's such a difficult life ¶

You know what you need, Olive?

-What? -You...

need to get out of the city for a bit,

-decompress. - No, yeah,

that's a really good idea.

Last year, I took pawternity leave

to bond with my fur baby.

I rented a place through R and R's,

so Ciaobella could run around the yard.

It was the most therapeutic experience...

we've ever had.

Well, I'm not exactly rollin' in dough

at the moment, ladies, on account of, I was just fired.

Oh, it'll be worth it.

It is okay to splurge every now and again.

Treat yourself.

Consider this your Eat, Pray, Love moment,

sans you being a selfish cunt.

- -Um, I love that book.

Figures.

Why don't you play something,

for old time's sake?

Thanks, but no, thanks.

That thing is just, like, a constant reminder

of my dashed hopes and broken dreams.

Come on, Olive. Play something. Please, please, please.

- - Yeah.

-Fine. -Yay!

Fine.

Just a little bit, 'cause you asked.

- Yay. -She plays the piano?

I didn't know she plays the piano.

- Alexa, off. -

-Ah! -That was amazing.

Incredible, right?

-Incredible. -Good stuff.

-Wow! -Yes.

You are the real deal.

Thanks.

Well, I have to bail.

-I have a date. - Oh.

-Who's the lucky guy? -Oh,

someone I am looking really forward to giving herpes.

Maybe you should get out of the city for a while.

Worked for me when your father passed.

Why does everyone keep saying that?

You know, it's kind of fucked up that I'm still

holding onto Dad's ashes just 'cause you can't deal.

In the note your father left, he insisted his ashes

be scattered in outer space.

Fuck am I supposed to do?

Do I look like I know somebody at NASA?

Yeah, I guess that's a pretty tall order.

Meantime, you're welcome over here at the commune.

Mom, you know that I'm not cut out

for the country, the thought alone gives me anxiety.

You don't deal with that fear now,

it'll only keep growing.

Says someone whose fallback coping mechanism

has always been to turn her back on the modern world.

I'm great at giving advice.

-Just not taking it. -

I gotta go.

Everything all right in there?

Olive?

Hey.

-What? -I forgot my stuff.

You okay?

Yeah, just been a long week.

Your last post paints a different picture.

Okay.

Have a nice life. Let's go, babe.

Acknowledge it, believe it.

What a gift it is to be alive.

By the end of this audio book,

you'll have learned to reshape your mind.

You'll see the beauty in everything,

even pain. This--

They say the hardest thing

for a parent is to outlive their child.

Never did understand that.

I'd gladly trade the last 30 years of this little shit

for five more minutes with you.

Kids today, they're...

They're all about the selfish pursuit of happiness.

Not self-aware enough to realize how...

little their lives really matter.

You wanna make a difference?

You wanna be a conduit for change?

Here's an idea.

Go drink a gallon of bleach.

Excuse me for being a touch indelicate.

But when you live to be my age,

you see the bigger picture

and life's all about hard work and sacrifice.

So as long as you Millenials

are gonna leave the hard work to my generation,

the least you can do is sacrifice yourself.

So, get off your climate change high horses for a second

and do something about overpopulation.

I'm just playing with you.

I know you all don't like to get your hands dirty.

It's never been an issue with me.

["My Vag" by Awkwafina playing]

¶ My vag Like a operatic ballad ¶

¶ Yo vag Like Grandpa's cabbage ¶

¶ And my vag effortless ¶

¶ Yo vag post ads On Craig's List ¶

¶ My vag squirt aloe vera Yo vag look like Tony Danza ¶

¶ My vag like tasting heaven Yo vag manages a 7-Eleven ¶

¶ Yo my vag make ya girl Panties creme ¶

¶ Yo vag spreads hepatitis C ¶

¶ And my vag A chrome Range Rover ¶

¶ Yo vag hatchback, '81 Toyota

¶ Yo my vag Harvard Law School

¶ Yo vag Apex Technical ¶

¶ My vag speak five Different languages ¶

¶ And told yo vag, "Bitch, make me a sandwich" ¶

¶ Yo my vag feel Like winning the lottery ¶

¶ Yo shit got turned down From eHarmony ¶