King Ralph

The rain appears to have stopped, Your Majesty.

We should be able to continue with the portrait.

So I should hope, Albert.

First time we've had the whole family together here for six years.

Let's try and get one in. We're gonna need both banks of fill lights.

I've already strung the cables, sir.

All set up, sir. Thank you.

Right. We're ready now, everybody.

Will you please remember to look straight into the lens

and keep your eyes wide and bright?

Now after three. One,

two,

three!

I know at a time like this,

it's difficult to apply oneself to any task,

but a surviving heir to the throne must be found.

The nation, the Commonwealth,

and I daresay the known world, await your findings.

Good luck, gentlemen.

Since when do we give a toss about this kind of bullshit?

Shut up, Dysentery.

Where's your sense of national flipping pride?

Excuse me, Sir Cedric.

Yes?

I do believe we've found an heir.

That's wonderful, Duncan. Who is it?

His name is Jones. Ralph Jones.

Ralph Jones. Is he everything we might have hoped?

Well, he has his strengths and his weaknesses. You see,

he's an American.

Quickly, Duncan, the strengths.

And here's one from the great Don Ho,

the Godfather of Hawaiian soul.

Tiny bubbles

In the wine

Make me happy

Oh, how they

Make me feel fine

He's in there!

Tiny bubbles

Make me warm all over

Are you shitting me?

With a feeling that I'm gonna love you

Till the end of time

Thank you.

Brady, Brady, Brady, I've got that 20 for you tomorrow.

Hey, Mitzi. Heard your show went a little better than mine.

Hey, Ed, what are you doing down here?

I've had it with you, Jones. We're not paying you to watch television.

Excuse me.

Hello, my name is Duncan Phipps and this is Inspector McGuire.

Great. What'd I do now, couple checks bounced?

No, no, he's here for your protection.

Hey, Jones, get over here. I'm not finished talking to you.

Come on in, I'll sign a picture for you. Thank you.

Smashing show, by the way. Absolutely smashing.

Listen, Jones, we're not renewing you after this week.

What?

I'm putting Mitzi in your slot.

You little backstabbing bitch.

Just turn in your tux, Jones.

What? 'Cause I wouldn't sing The Impossible Dream?

Vacate your room by noon tomorrow

or we're going to put your stuff out in the street.

Shit. Can you believe that?

It's beyond all comprehension, Your Majesty.

But I have news that might bring you some cheer.

I doubt it.

It is my glorious duty to inform you

that you are the new

King of England.

See, the late King's uncle, the Duke of Warren

had a small dalliance with your grandmother, Constance,

who I'm told was a waitress at the hotel where he was staying.

One Gastro Death-Dealer with onions, jalapenos and Tabasco.

Thank you.

At any rate, Constance had a son.

Your father. Now, since he and your grandmother are both dead,

you are the only surviving royal heir in your line.

Look, even if I believed you,

which I don't,

I haven't got time to be the King of England right now.

I gotta get a job.

This is more than a job.

Maybe I should put a band together.

Get back to playing rock and roll.

But you can't refuse the throne. It's a sacred trust.

Yeah? What does this sacred trust pay?

Well, you don't get a salary as such.

That's what I figured, I pay you, right?

You don't need money. Everything's taken care of.

The king has his own castle.

Five castles, as a matter of fact.

A fleet of cars,

a yacht, a full staff of servants.

Good God, the future of a nation is at stake.

You're good, Dunc. Real good.

Do you remember your grandmother at all?

Connie? Yeah.

Do you remember a ring she used to wear?

Sure, she used to brag about it all the time.

Said she got it from some prince or something.

There's only one other like it. The Duke of Warren's.

Was this the ring?

Holy shit.

Yes!

Yes! (LAUGHS)

How long you think you'll be needing me?

I've never held a job for more than six months.

Well, you see, a king is a king for life.

No problem. My schedule's pretty open.

There it is, Your Majesty.

Your new home.

Which room is mine?

Um... All of them.

Excuse me, Sir Cedric. His Majesty is here.

Very good.

Allow me to introduce our sovereign lord, Ralph Jones,

King of Great Britain, Northern Ireland,

and all her other realms and territories,

Head of the Commonwealth,

Defender of the Faith.

How you doing?

How do you do, Your Majesty?

I'm Cedric Willingham.

Glad to meet you, Ced.

Have you ever been to England before?

No.

But I have almost all of the Rolling Stones' albums.

Oh, well, then you're practically a native.

Dunc says you've been here 25 years.

You must be a hell of a typist by now.

Actually, I'm not that type of secretary.

My duty is to instruct you in the arts of sovereignty. To make you a king.

Uh, look, my duties are mostly for show, right?

I mean, I hope you're not counting on me

to solve any large national problems

because I don't have a lot of experience with that kind of thing.

English law prohibits monarchs from solving problems.

Unfortunately, it doesn't prohibit you from creating them.

Good. That's a load off my mind.

So, where do we start?

Everywhere.

You might be thinking what name you'd like to use as king.

Edward and George have been popular this century.

What's wrong with Ralph?

It lacks a certain

majesty.

I can't really think of any notable Ralphs.

Well, sure.

Ralph Macchio.

Ralph Lauren.

Ralph Kramden.

This is extremely nice. Better than I'm used to.

This is the picture gallery.

Many of the people in these paintings are your relatives.

That's the Duke of Warren, your unfortunate grandfather.

You have his chin.

Hmm.

That's George the Third. You may remember him.

He was king during that little temper tantrum you call the Revolutionary War.

Sounds like sour grapes to me, Ced.

After all, we did kick your ass. Mmm.

The loss is entirely yours. Or rather, theirs.

Try to remember that you're an Englishman now.

Okay, but I still think they kicked our ass.

Got a few quick questions to probe your knowledge of English history.

Fine.

When she failed to give him a son, Henry the Eighth had Anne Boleyn...

Look in to adoption?

Beheaded.

Jeez. This is a tough country.

Would this be to your liking, Your Majesty?

You know, I kind of like that.

That's an upholstery fabric, Your Majesty.

English people don't generally like their monarch

to look like a sofa.

Ah!

These are a few of our traditional English dishes,

some of which you will be served tonight.

Here we have roast beef and Yorkshire pudding.

Bangers and mash and the ever-popular Spotted Dick.

Spotted Dick?

Dick of what?

These are the bangers.

Sausages.

The Spotted Dick is a dessert.

Could I just have some ice cream?

Quite an eventful first day, Your Majesty. I'll leave you to rest now.

This is Your Majesty's bedroom.

There you go, chief.

Unfortunately, you do have the option to redecorate

your private quarters as you see fit.

Good, I've got a few ideas.

We'll put the velour industry on full standby.

Through those doors is your dining room.

And across the way, the bath.

Through here is your study.

And there is your dressing room.

Anything we've left out?