Terror Birds

TERROR BIRDS (2016)

Good. Thank you. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Right.

They're gonna be here in 10, okay?

So, be ready.

Don't screw up.

Of course not, boss.

Go.

That's a big box.

Tiny tykes measured in at well over 100 inches,

and I'd say 900 pounds each, wouldn't you, Russ?

A hundred pounds of beak and claws,

and the mangiest feathers you ever laid your beautiful brown eyes on.

The male is a bit bigger than the female

and a hell of a lot more pissed off.

What's the matter? You afraid of a big bird?

Harvey, maybe we should rethink releasing

them in the aviary this quickly.

-Doing... -Stop. Stop. Stop.

I did not hire you for advice.

I hired you to be my bird watcher, okay?

Unacceptable.

Do you think this is wise?

They could hurt themselves in there.

Better than hurting us out here.

They will be fine.

All we need to do is an initial check,

make sure my babies weren't harmed in their voyage.

Do you realize what today is?

Do you realize?

Today is the day that the past has collided with the future

in the pursuit of knowledge that no one else has.

No one. Only us.

And you know what that makes you?

What?

It makes you pioneers.

Like Lewis and Clark, or Darwin, or Copernicus.

Now, there's a man

who changed the view of where we stand in this universe today.

Right, Russ?

What he said.

Are they down?

Shut up, you idiot!

Hey!

You bastards awake?

All right, why don't you go join them? Go join them.

Go. Go.

Yeah, okay.

Okay, I think we're good.

Open it up.

Are you sure about this?

What? Do you think they're faking it?

They're freaking birds, for Pete's sake.

There's a reason people coined the term "bird brain."

Not much up there.

Maybe you should get in the car just in case.

I think you're right.

How we doing?

We're good, boss.

All right, let's do this.

I think we're good.

Okay, let's drag those bastards out of there.

Time for the good doctor to see how Heckle and Jeckle are doing.

Okay, that's weird.

Hey, I hope you didn't kill this...

one.

I'm gonna get in the car, too.

Get out of the way! Move it! Don't shoot the bird!

Another weekend with Mother Nature?

Yeah.

What you going in for this time?

Birdwatching.

I'm hoping I can find a Falconidae caracara.

Falconacara what?

A Mexican eagle.

Another watcher spotted a nest about four miles north of here.

What the hell is a Mexican eagle nesting up in these parts anyhow?

They've been living in these regions for hundreds of years.

No wonder San Antone lost the Alamo?

Done planted a bunch of spies up in the sky.

Yeah.

That cover it?

-Okay, you have a good weekend. -Yeah.

You go out and find yourself a big bird now.

Will do.

Come on, Dad. Pick up.

Hello, this is Keith Stern.

Sorry I can't come to the phone right now.

But if you could please leave a message,

I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

Have a great day.

Hey, Dad, it's me, your loving daughter.

I was just thinking about you.

I know you're probably on one of your crazy bird adventures,

but give me a call.

It would have been Mom's birthday next week,

so I'd like to do something special.

Call me. I love you.

Look at that? It's a thing of beauty.

So, Slater, she still over at the compound?

-She only popped in for lunch. -All right.

Speaking of lunch,

when's the next feeding?

Should be dropping in any minute now.

What the hell kind of birds are they feeding out here?

Hey.

How we doing?

-Any luck? -Nope.

We'll have to start over.

What? What the hell is going on?

I mean, this is the finest incubation equipment on the market.

It's not the equipment.

Two of the eggs had microbial contaminations.

Same as the last.

How can this be possible?

All it takes is one bad egg to spoil the entire litter.

What's causing the contamination this time?

-I think it's the soil. -The soil?

By the time your men are finding those litters,

primitive bacteria has already contaminated them.

I mean, as you're aware,

those birds thrived...

They thrived in regions this far north.

Soil now is different than it was two and a half million years ago.

I think you would probably have had better luck

trying to breed them on one of the islands where you found them.

Well, that's not gonna happen, is it?

You know, I hired you because you're the best at what you do, right?

So if there's something to be done with the soil, please do it,

because it's been six months, okay?

Fix it! Fix it!

Well, unless your men are planning to catch that hen's next litter

as it comes falling from her rear,

I really don't see how you expect me to make this happen overnight!

And I need more time.

Fine. Do it.

What the hell is that?

Gonna do me some fishing later.

Fishing?

Yes, sir.

Light one of those babies, toss it in,

all the fish come bubbling up to the surface. Easy as pie.

Here's your money.

Next time you come around, you leave that stuff at home. You got it?

What is this? It looks like someone's pet.

Looks like it's not your day, Old Yeller?

You're bird food, you mangy mutt.

Help!

Go! Go!

Help!

-Get to the gate! -Where is it? I don't see it!

Get to the gate! Keep going!

Don't touch the fence! It's electrified!

Please!

-Quick! -Get back!

-Let me out! -I'm trying!

Let me do it!

What's the new combo?

Come on! Get me out of here!

Let me out of here!

-Where's your gun? -It's on the car.

Go get it!

-Hey, who are you calling? -My dad.

He's going birdwatching again this weekend.

Trying to get some prize photo for this nature competition he entered.

Nature competition? Yeesh.

Thought I'd catch him before he left the cabin, though.

Dude, your dad seriously needs a girlfriend.

He loves his independence.

Nut doesn't fall far from the tree.

How the hell did neither of you see

that some schmuck got into the aviary?

And how did you not see him get past the compound fence in the first place?

We never saw him on the feeds.

And I don't know how the hell he got past the voltage fence,

but the main fence anyone can hop right over.

Must have got in on the east side, down by the river.

The birds never go there.

It's covered in trees. I bet he went up over.

Yeah, you know, the birds mostly stick to the western region anyhow.

That's where they've been hunting these mutts. -Who cares?

He's in. He clearly got through.

Now, we have a dead man on our hands,

and what are we supposed to do with this?

How are we supposed to deal with this?

Could find his car.

Stage a crash somewhere.

That's a great idea.

Yeah, maybe we can just prop up his half-eaten skeleton

and put it in the driver's seat.

What do you want us to do?

Shut up so I can think!

What's there to think about, Harvey?

The jig is up.

Another man is dead.

And I doubt he's some ex-con no one cares about like the last one.

Have you lost your mind?

They'll shut us down. They'll take away my birds,

and god knows what they'll do with them.

No, I found those birds on my expedition. They're mine.