The Cottage

*

We're going to go to hell for this.

Shut up.

It's freezing in here.

Jump up and down a bit.

You know how temperature-sensitive I am, David.

In actual driven miles,

I think this is the furthest away

I've been from Rebecca since we got married.

I'm sure she'll survive.

Well, I don't feel comfortable lying to her like this.

I know you're used to a--

I know you're used to a world of deception.

Our relationship relies on a bond of trust.

Do you want some tea?

Yes, please.

Can you get the milk from the car?

How many sugars?

Shows how often you've made me tea.

Give it a rest. You're doing my head in.

I'm just pointing out facts, David.

Just get the milk from the car, please.

Christ, what are you doing frightening me?

Aren't you forgetting something?

Oh, yeah. Well, I'm not used to this, am I?

How many times do I have to fucking tell you?

She all right?

Still unconscious.

That's chloroform for you.

Well, it's freezing out there,

so if I may make a suggestion,

I think we should bring her in

so she doesn't die of pneumonia.

Look, Peter, we've just got here. I am very tired.

We are not in Iceland, and she is not going to die of--

What have you put that back on for?

Because I'm cold.

I don't want to talk to your eyes. Take it off.

You're not the boss of me.

Where the fuck are you? Please.

Get rid of it.

What?

Oh, shit, yeah. You don't like moths, do you?

Get rid of it now, or I'm bloody going.

I didn't say kill it.

What do you want me to do with it,

adopt it?

I think I'd like to ring Rebecca now. It's a good time.

Because you've seen a moth?

No, we like to let each other know we're okay.

That's what you do in a serious relationship.

No, it's called reporting in.

That's what you do when you're under a very fat thumb.

I'm not under a thumb.

It's not fat, either.

The reason why I'm ringing her now

is she'll be putting Amy to bed

and it'll go to the answering machine.

I don't want her asking questions. I don't like lying.

Don't be all day.

I don't remember putting a time limit on your calls.

This is my fucking phone.

You always were selfish.

Where's your phone?

Why? In my car.

Because it's my work phone. It's in my work car.

Did you forget your phone?

Idiot. My work phone.

What did you call me?

Idiot. You are a bald idiot.

Well, I'd rather be slightly thinning

than a friendless mockney-phile.

I cannot wait till I never have to see your--

Hi, darling, I'm just calling to check in.

Everything's okay my end...

apart from being really cold.

Anyway, I'll try you again later on.

Give baby Amy a kiss for me. Love you lots.

Yes, I blew her a kiss.

So?

Listen, if she's asleep,

I suggest we be as quiet as possible

so we keep her that way.

Can I hold the legs?

Come on.

I really don't like it out here, David.

Hurry up and get inside, then.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I have to have a rest.

Come on, we're only three steps from the top.

I'm not as strong as you, David.

Okay, go on.

Fuck.

I'll see if the keys are downstairs.

Don't drop her.

Oh!

Oh! Ohh!

Uhh!

Get your hands off me!

Fucking bastard!

[LOUD AND MUFFLED COMPLAINTS]

Get off, you fucking pervert!

You fucking cunt!

You only had to hold her up.

What the fuck were you doing?!

I think she's broken my nose.

Yeah, that is well and truly busted.

What the hell am I going to do? It really hurts!

You should have been concentrating, then.

I bet--I bet you were looking at her tits.

I was not!

She head-butted me repeatedly!

I've never been head-butted

by anyone before in my life!

Well, you have now.

Please help me, I'm in a lot of pain!

Whenever I'm with you, I always end up getting hurt,

every time, guaranteed.

Don't blame me. I wasn't with you.

That's what you said about the greenhouse.

That was 20 fucking years ago.

Ow!

Right.

I'm going to knock this back into place.

How? I don't want you to.

Shut up and hold still.

Wait, wait, wait, do it slowly!

Nice hair, Andrew. Just had it done?

Nice hair, Andrew.

Andrew.

Dad asked to see me.

Nice haircut, Andrew.

A lot of work's gone into that.

Keep him out there till we get the call.

God.

Okay, time for work.

I need you to stop whining and sort yourself out.

- Why? - Because you are going to have to speak to her.

To fucking... To who?

the woman upstairs.

Why?

I told you, she knows me.

She comes in the club all the time.

That's why it has to be you.

Oh, yes, okay. What do you want me to say?

Well, you have to say a lot of things, but--

but more importantly, you have to sound like someone

who is going to kill her if she fucks about.

- I'm not going to kill her. - I never said you had to, did I?

You just have to sound like someone who would if they had to.

Well, what do you want me to say, then?

You have to tell her that if you get any more trouble out of her,

you're going to break her fucking fingers.

I can say that easily.

Why are you making a big deal of it?

Because you couldn't scare a child in the dark.

You have to say it right.

You have to-- like you're fucking hard.

Okay, let's go.

But no, no, no.

Say it to me first.

Why?

Just... do it, come on.

Okay, fine.

Any more trouble from you, miss,

and I'll break your fingers.

Right, say it again, harder.

Any more trouble from you, miss,

and I'll break your fingers.

That was rubbish.

Well, how should I say it--?

Any more trouble from you, you fucking bitch,

and I'll break your fucking fingers!

Like that.

Fine.

I now understand.

Any more shit from you, and I'll break your bloody fingers!

Yeah, that was-- that was better.

Yeah, finally. Thank you. Anything else?

Yeah, yeah...

we have to let her speak to her dad,

and then you're going to take the phone off her

and tell him we want the money.

Yep. A hundred thousand?

I thought you might. I remember that bit.

Now, this bit's very specific,

so I want you to read this bit of paper to her.

Okay.