Spy

I hate you.

You hear me? I hate you.

You really think you could seduce my wife, steal my son and get away with it, huh?

With your ridiculous suits and your flabbidy beard?

This world will be a better place to live with you gone.

- And how does that make you feel? - A little blue, if I'm honest.

But I'm pleased that Tim is finally sharing with the group.

We have to talk about Philip's feelings?

No offense, Philip.

You seem to have a lot of rage inside you.

- You got rage form that? - I definitely did.

Must be the acoustics.

And Marcus, what do you think?

I'm sorry?

What do you think about your Daddy's behavior?

I'm sorry, I wasn't paying the slightest attention.

Does Daddy get angry a lot?

- No! - You let Marcus answer.

No he doesn't.

Bad luck.

- Unless 4-5 times a week is a lot. - What?

Can you get that down?

I'm sorry, Daddy. Please don't beat me.

Please don't beat me... that is...

Okay, that's very funny I don't get angry

- You seem pretty angry now. - No I don't.

Please don't shout at me, Tim.

I'm not shouting.

- He always does this. - Yes.

- I think a lot of this rage... - No rage!

derives from feelings of resentment towards Philip.

Ah, you poor thing.

So, that's something we need to work on.

What do we think would be a good goal?

- I think they should hug. - Oh, that's a terrific idea.

- Never going to happen. - Or even a hug, and a little kiss.

- You seriously except me to get up... - Hug and kiss, oh yes.

Yeah, well of course you do, Paula.

But unfortunately for you even Philip has no interest...

- Come here, big guy! - Alrighty.

- I'm going to get to work. - Okay.

- See you tonight. - Tonight?

- Parent-teacher evening? - Philip.

Can I have a word?

Why didn't you tell me about the parent-teacher evening?

- Why would I? - Because I'm a parent?

- Well, technically. - No, not technically.

Tim, I don't want you at the parent's evening.

Oh, you ashamed of me. Is that what you're saying?

I believe the fashionable expression is "duh!"

But I could help you.

Tim, I've been scoring starred "A"s since I was 36 months.

- I know, but... - This is not a battle you could win.

How can I put this most simply?

I am the Persians of Thermophiles, the Portuguese of Cochin.

Do you see what I'm saying?

- You a Persian? - I'm saying I will win.

I always win. I always get my way.

I'll be in the car.

Doh!

Spy 01x03 Codename Grades

Scan in progress. Identified: low fat organic tzatziki, £2.73

- Uh no, Tim Elliott. - Next customer, please!

Okay, pay attention, people. Who's seen one of these before?

Yeah, this is a personal microcomputer, or PC computer.

Now, these machines have the capacity to process literally

thousands of numbers and letters every hour.

Excuse me! Sorry!

Yeah.

I think um, I think some of your technical information

might be a little bit out of date.

Right there, bang. Look at him, because there is your top gun!

Only Tim, only Tim noticed that I have in fact sprinkled

some tiny factual anachronism into my lecture.

You people, are going to have to raise your game

if you're going to keep up with this guy.

Okay, so today we're going to learn about computer hacking.

Firstly, no thinking, is hacking legal or illegal?

- Yep. - Illegal.

- Wrong. You. - Illegal.

- Wrong. Go. - Illegal.

- Really? - Yeah.

I thought it was just frowned upon.

- No. - Yeah, okay.

Well just as well the MI5 is above the law.

Would you please stop interrupting? So sorry about them, Tim.

Once you've settled into which site you want to hack into,

start launching your XRF programs.

What's your target, son?

I'm attempting to crack into a secure cache

of orbital dominant images with high global significance.

You're hacking into celebrity surgical records.

- Yes I am. - Okay, five minutes, budge up.

What are you doing?

I'm going to show you, pal.

Dear, only a "B" in geography, and uh, what's this a "C" in history.

You'll have to do better than that if you're going to run the IMF.

Just so I'm absolutely clear,

you do know you're sabotating your own son's school grades?

Yup.

- And you don't feel bad about that? - Just teaching him a little lesson.

That's actually quite good parenting if you think about it.

Now English language uuuhh, "C" me thinks.

Make it a "D."

Well, if you're going to do it properly.

"D" it is.

What are you doing? Hacking into Johnny Depp's holiday photos?

Yeah, because that's what women do. No.

Actually the boss has asked me to infiltrate an anarchist chat room.

Yeah? Look at you.

When you say holiday photos... no, never mind.

- You're kidding. - No.

- You changed his grades? - Yes!

- He's going to go ballistic. - I know!

And so what, you just hacked into the website?

Yeah. You know it's quite easy. You can hack into almost anything.

Businesses, hospital records,

- bank accounts. - Bank accounts?

and businesses and... cool.

Right, yeah. It's all in the book.

Hey, here he is. You're back early, how did it go?

Not well.

But you always get starred "A"s.

I know I do.

So you can imagine my surprise when I discovered several of my grades

appeared to have fallen below that standard.

Well, it can't be that bad. Show me the report card.

You're treading on very thin ice, Tim.

Come on, let Daddy see.

A "C" in history, I thought you liked history.

- I devour history. - He devours history and he had a "C."

And a "B" in German? What's happened there?

Ja, I can well imagine.

Looks like you got a little bit of knuckling down to do young man.

Maybe I can help with your homework, you know if you're struggling.

- A "D" in English language? - Stop it!

It says it here, English language, grade "D."

It's your native tongue.

Too far, Tim. You went too far.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

There going to be consequences, you can count on it.

Why don't you count on it Mr. "C" in maths?

- I should ahead. - Okay.

You're not worried about him taking his revenge, are you?

No. Little bit, yeah.

I suggest you sleep with the door locked tonight.

- No, seriously. - No, I'm going to, absolutely.

Then I...

Where were you last night?

What are you doing?

I waited up and you didn't come home.

I don't...

No, don't tell me you were working late.

I don't live with you.

- You lost track of time. - I don't live with you.

- Oh, the car broke down. - I don't live with you.

Don't you get it?

We could make a life together, a life built on truth and honesty.

Wow.

But if you don't care enough to even fight for us

then maybe we should just call it quits.

Yeah, let's do that.

- It's your choice. - I think we should call it quits.

- Wathever you say. - I say call it quits.

I'm not a mind reader, Tim.

You're going to have to open up to me eventually.

- Okay, why don't you ju... - Oh, I wish I knew how to quit you.

That's not what it looks like.

- Still nothing? - Not a thing.

They're not very chatty bunch these anarchists.

No, they're probably all out somewhere doing anarchy.

Brilliant.

You should spice it up. Draw them in with a bit of virtual flash.

Yeah, alright.

I am so hot in here, air-con broken.

Nice.

- Must take off shirt. - Dress.

Dress, good, yeah.

How did Marcus take his newly imposed mediocrity.

Not that well. No?

- I feel a bit bad, to be honest. - So you changed it back?

- Not yet. - Tim!

We've been summoned to his headmaster's office this afternoon,

to uh, discuss his grades.

I just want to, I just want to see his little Persian face.

- What? - Nothing.

And hi to you, KARL276.

Can you go and take the delivery, James?

Nosy!

So, why do you think Marcus's grades have dropped off?

I don't know.

Nothing to do with me and you can't prove a thing.

It's okay, Tim.

Parents often feel guilty about their children's failures,

- but they're completely innocent. - Completely!

How is his home life?

Are you serious?

Tim, this is just a routine conversation between a concerned father

and an education professional.

- Well, if you must know, - Yeah?