Legit

Yeah, Jack and Anne... Yeah, well, they left.

Though I... I sure miss Jack, yeah.

We had a great time together, he and I.

You know, it's not easy making friends later on in life.

Yeah.

- He invited me to Australia. - Oh.

- Nice. - Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, but I'm not so sure.

It's... It's such a long way to go, and...

See, the other thing is that, uh,

he lives with his wife.

Oh, boy, she is a beast of a woman.

I tell you.

Well, your parents are finally gone. Free at last!

No, I don't know. I kind of miss me dad.

You know, going out to see those Chinese sex slaves with him

and go in the water park, I...

I don't feel like we've ever been closer.

You got a text.

All right, come on, don't.

- From Katie Knox... "Leave me alone." - Don't.

Dude, come on. It's bad enough you had sex with a married chick.

She didn't tell me. See, that's on her.

Okay? Besides, it's no big deal.

No, it's a huge deal, Jim.

You don't just mess with someone's marriage,

and she has kids, man... That's evil.

She gets drunk, she texts me, I don't respond. Okay?

She keeps on texting.

Eventually I text back, "Let's not do this."

She gets really angry and says, "Never text me again!"

All right? It's like she's having a fight with herself through me.

Well, I guess having him here

made me feel better about my lousy life.

I mean, you know, I'm sleeping on my son's sofa.

I'm separated from my wife.

Yeah, she's also a bit of an emotional terrorist, too.

You know, that's why Jack and I bonded, I think.

- Sorry, sweetie, I got to go. - Gotcha, Ro.

All right, see you tomorrow.

Okay.

Take care of yourself, all right?

Oh, dick pic! Gross!

Okay, I drink, too, Steve,

and the only reason I sent her a picture of that is because she promised me...

- Titty pic! Nice! - A-All right, give it here.

- Hey! Any snatch pics I should know about? - Okay, put...

I'm gonna have an accident. What are you doing?

I'm gonna text her and ask her for a snatch pic.

Don't do that! It's 2:00 P.M.!

I'm never drunk at 2:00 P.M.!

I'm kidding, man! God! You're sensitive.

Okay. Now she's saying she's sorry.

Man, this chick... What is she, bipolar?

Damn video games.

Billy!

Hey, Billy!

Dad!

- What are you doing?! - Oh, my God!

Well, the TV says AV-1 on it, and I'm trying to watch "Dog the Bounty Hunter."

- Get out! - Oh, my God.

Is there a button I should push here, Billy?

- Go! - Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Damn it, dad!

Dad's got to go.

Just lock your door, man.

Look, I've got a girlfriend for the first time ever...

Oh, that's not really a girlfriend.

She's just a sex addict who loves your big dick.

Sounds like a girlfriend to me, and a good one, at that.

He's always around.

I can't afford to live with a cockblocker.

He's not blocking your cock on purpose.

The intent doesn't matter. A cock is being blocked.

We can't just kick Walter out.

- You can. - Me?

You're the one who told him to stand up to mom.

Why didn't you just go over to her house

and let her suck your dick there,

where she's more comfortable?

She lives in a fifth-floor walk-up with no elevator.

Is that even legal?

I don't know. I'll ask her Armenian slum lord to put one in.

Until then, he's got to go.

What if Janice won't take him back?

Ah, I'm sure she will.

She probably misses torturing him already.

Okay. Let's go and talk to her.

No, you go. I'm gonna stay here.

Why? She's your mother.

I'm not getting in the middle of this shit show.

Then why'd you come?

For moral support.

Moral... Who needs moral support?

W-W-What am I, an 8-year-old?

"Come on, Jim! You can do it!"

No, I'm an adult! I need actual support.

Oh, stuff you.

Taking care of a cripple, some bald bastard.

His kid comes over, I feed her, pay for you.

Fine. You want help? I'll help.

- Yeah, I knocked. I don't think - L-Look, I, you know what? I want him gone, too.

He's my dad, and I love him,

but I've had my fill of gray pubes in the shower drain.

- Let's go. - No, you don't You don't You don't want to see this. It's fine.

- What's going on? - Nothing. Nothing's going on.

- Well, then I want to see. - No, you don't.

I'm gonna go look! I want to see what it is!

Jim, get off of me! What is the matter with you?! You...

- Aah! - Ah, okay.

- Whore! Whore! - All right.

- Yeah. - You whore!

Come on.

How could she betray my dad like this?!

- Slutty whore! - Get in the car, get in the car, get in the car.

How could she do that?! I...

teach you to bang my mom, you old fart.

Come on! Go! Go!

What are you doing?! Come on!

Get in the car!

- You picked up shit! - Come on!

- You picked up shit! That was shit! - Go!

- I know! - Shit! You picked up shit!

- I know! - I can't believe you picked up shit!

Drive! Just drive!

Well, my mom's a whore. There it is.

All right, let's not talk about it anymore.

What are we gonna do about your dad?

Don't ask me. I make terrible decisions constantly.

He's left us a letter.

"Boys, thank you for being there for me.

I know when I'm not wanted,

and now I go back from whence I came."

Whence?

He uses middle English when he's sad.

No. "Whence" means he's going home.

Billy, what have you done?

Well, I knew you pussies couldn't tell him, so I did.

Did you talk to mom?

We just saw her getting drilled

by some old saggy-ass dude.

- What? - I saw your mother naked.

I saw her. Have you ever seen her naked?

It's like a Jim Henson puppet

where they've ripped the felt off.

Mom's a whore, Billy.

All right, whatever. I don't have time for this.

Look, Tess is coming over later,

and I'm trying to break the top 1,000 of "Intent to Kill."

We got to stop him.

You said we shouldn't tell him.

No, he's got guns and a simmering rage

that's been building for decades.

You're right. You should go.

And try not to come back before 11:00.

No gunshots... That's a good sign.

Yeah, if we're lucky,

he's already killed them and himself.

Hi, boys!

Oh, well, she seems like she's in a good mood.

Of course. She's full of old-man jizz.

Hi, Steve.

Hello, mother.

Hi, Jim, honey.

What's with you?

Nothing.

Well, what a nice surprise.

So, how's your father?

He's not here?

No. Why would he be?

Ah, he said he was gonna pick up a few things.

Really? Uh, w-when?

Like an hour ago.

But he's not here, so who gives a shit?

Yeah, but he could just drop by at any time.

Um, you know, if he does, make sure he calls first.

- Of course. - Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

Of course she would... It's just common courtesy

to call before you come over to someone's house.

So... All right. Good visit.

Uh, bye, Jim. Good to see you.

Bye, sweetie.

- I love you. - Real nice, mom.

Steve, get in the car. You're acting odd.

All right.

Sleep well, mom.

If you sleep at all.

Don't worry about it. It happens.

Well, they said this could be

a side effect of the medication.

Whatever it is, I'm sure it won't be permanent.

Uh, do you want to get some food

or maybe see a movie or something?

I'd really like to, but I kind of have to go.

Well, where you going?

Just... Out.

Out where?

To meet some friends.