The Secrets She Keeps

I've decided it's time to let you in on a secret.

We didn't plan to have another child.

This is our oops baby.

Accidental, unscripted, but not unwanted.

Not by me, anyway.

We took a rare weekend away for a friend's 40th.

My mother minded the kids.

I drank too much, danced, made love in the morning,

and now there's a new small human joining our family.

Hail Caesar says if it's a girl,

we should call her Roulette.

Mummy, Lachie broke it!

Little snag with the bird project.

Broke it!

OK, never mind, Luce. It can be fixed.

Just leave it. I'll do it.

Hey, babe, go upstairs. Grab your bag, please.

Come here, mate.

Remember, today, don't feed the ducks Lego.

- -OK? See you, dude.

-I gotta go. -Mmm-hmm.

-Wish me luck. -Luck, but you won't need it.

The network love you. See you tonight.

OK.

OK, let's do it!

Daddy's got a review today.

-OK, babe. Bye!

Come on. -

Look. You're not watching the road.

Oh!

Can you look left? Then right. Then left.

OK, on you pop.

Agatha!

I told you to put the... on the shelves,

not leave them on top of the freezer!

Sorry, Derek.

You'll have to deal with the tampons yourself.

I've got an appointment with my obstetrician.

Again?

-And I'm busting for the loo. -Again?

I'm eight months pregnant, Derek.

Can't help if it my bladder's the size of a walnut.

Charming.

What can I do about it?

You're already doing it.

Blocking him isn't working.

He just creates another account.

Sends GIFs and vile comments.

Look, my legal advice is just ignore the trolls.

Don't engage, or you'll only feed their ego.

OK.

Where are our kids? Any recent sightings?

Oh, there's Ruby.

Lachie?

-Lachie? Mummy.

Oh! There you are, monkey!

What have you got there, huh?

Who gave you that?

A lady.

Come on, let's go and play!

Drop dead, Dave.

Aggie, I can't get hold of you.

Are we meeting tomorrow?

Call me.

Hello, Agatha?

Please don't be angry with me for calling.

I know it's a special date tomorrow...

Oh! Oh, smells so good!

Am I allowed to stay for the adults dinner?

No, no, no, I need some Jack time.

He's got his sports show to do.

It's pre-recorded. He's gonna be home very soon.

Well, isn't it Jack time

that got you into this mess in the first place?

And he hasn't touched me since.

What? The whole time you've been pregnant?

God, men are so weird.

I think he's developed

a strange aversion to sleeping with me

while I'm carrying his child,

like I'm a virginal Madonna figure.

I repeat, men are so weird.

Maybe he thinks I just got too fat.

You need to get yourself a battery-operated boyfriend.

Well, it's not so easy to reach around all of this.

Anyway, it's not about the sex.

We need to find our intimacy again.

Oh... Hmm.

-I have a Tinder date. -Oh!

So, if you're not going to feed me, I'm going.

OK, but don't be late for Reg's birthday thing.

I can't handle Mum having a breakdown on...

Bye! Love you!

Please don't be late, Grace!

-Please! -

Hi, Aggie!

You are so clever.

I could just eat you up.

-No, you can't! -Why not?

'Cause I'm a boy.

But boys are yummy.

-Hey, don't tell your mum. -OK.

Oh, Aggie, are you still good to mind Leo on Tuesday?

-Sure. -Thanks.

Any word from sailor boy?

They're letting him call me on Sunday night.

-Finally! -

Oh, my God, can you imagine his face when he sees you?

I know, right?

Where are you off to?

To see my friends.

Your show finished hours ago.

Oh, um... Arnie asked me for a drink

after my work review, so...

You didn't...

You didn't tell me you were gonna make something special.

I just assumed you'd be home.

It's not like we get many Friday nights together.

Um, babe, I'm... I'm not gonna get a pay rise.

So, took the opportunity

to ask him if I could pitch a new show.

If they're not gonna give me more money, then...

I don't know.

I need a fucking miracle.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry about dinner.

Mmm. It's good.

No, it's not good.

It's cold and dry, like me right now.

Oh, you're not cold and dry.

-Yes, I am. -No, you're hot.

Honey. -Mmm? Yep? Yep?

I'm shattered.

What?

I got swim school in the morning.

No!

-No! -Yeah.

-You're not going to bed. -Yeah.

Isn't there someone you'd like to spend

some quality time with?

Who?

Me!

How many other women are pregnant with your baby?

Alright, you two, upstairs. Come on, grab your kickboards.

One! Two! Three! Four! Go!

Did you hear next-door's dog going off again last night?

Yeah.

I don't know what's setting it off,

but it seems to be doing it more and more.

- -Who's that?

Simon.

Mate, I'm stoked you're coming back.

They got me covering the World Cup this year.

You should come with me.

Oh, you should come round to ours for lunch.

Jack!

Yeah, that sounds good. Alright, we'll see you then.

Hooroo.

-Jack! -What?

Well, he's been in Melbourne for six months.

Of course I'm gonna invite him round.

He wants to see his godchild.

Is that why you were late last night?

'Cause Simon's back?

No, I was with Arnie. I told you that.

Why? What's... What's the drama?

The drama is

it's my stepfather's birthday tomorrow.

That's enough for one weekend.