Rules of Engagement

Jeff, roll over.

- Roll over. - Good doggy. Good doggy.

What the hell?!

Well, you were snoring again.

Louder than ever.

I don't hear anything.

Because you're awake,

like I have been all night.

Tell you what. I'll let you go back to sleep first.

Thank you.

- Are you still awake? - Yes.

You want to do it?

Episode 2x01 - Flirting with disaster

So have you made up your mind?

Yes, I have.

You are the prettiest waitress here.

Hi, I'm Russell. I'm kind of like Fonzie around here.

Fonzie was gay?

I'm kidding.

It's nice to meet you, Russell. I'm Amy.

All right. Well, that's a nice perfume.

- What is it? - It's french fries and sloppy joes.

That's hot. I wouldn't mind taking that

to go.

What's going on?

Nice timing, el blocko.

- Adam, this is Amy. - Nice to meet you.

And I apologize for anything Russell has said to you so far.

No, he's been sweet.

Yes. We have been sweet.

So what can I get you?

I'll have a slice of key lime pie and a coffee, please.

- I'm thinking about the... - Oh, my God,

I wish I had your dimples.

I'd give them to you, but they're a family heirloom.

I got them from my grandfather.

I got my mustache from my grandmother.

You keep your dimples. I'll get your coffee.

Wait, I didn't even order.

- What are you doing? - What?

I had something going with her, and you come in and stomp on my game?

I was just talking to her.

I can't help if my barely trying beats you working it like a rodeo clown.

Dude, I wasn't even trying either,

until now.

You might want to step back.

Those of you in the first few rows may get wet, if you know what I mean.

I don't.

What are you, a dolphin

- or a whale or something? - Don't worry about it.

Just know that you're dealing with the Flirtmaster General.

Okay, yeah, we'll see.

All right, there you go.

So I'm thinking about getting some pie myself.

- What's your favorite? - Feel free to lie to him.

He likes that in a woman.

Really?

And what do you like in a woman?

Anyone who brings me coffee and pie is pretty much at the top of my list.

- I'd better go get that pie, then. - All right.

I didn't even order.

I'm good.

Oh, God, just let it go, man.

You're like that little cartoon dog that's yapping at the big cartoon dog.

Don't compare yourself to the big cartoon dog. You're nothing like him.

This used to happen all the time.

It's the best thing about you getting engaged.

What's the best thing about us getting engaged?

That you took dimples here off the market,

leaving more inventory for me.

Really? That was the best thing?

Honey, of course not.

The best thing about you getting engaged is...

the fact that you two found some beautiful love that you could share.

All right, just ignore him.

He's upset because at the diner,

he was hitting on the new waitress, and I came in

and totally out-flirted him.

That was smart.

- Why were you flirting with a waitress? - I wasn't.

I wasn't being serious. I was messing around with Russell.

Couldn't you just put something he really wants

on a high shelf?

That's not enough.

And then, you know, you told her you were engaged?

You know what?

I don't think you did.

Well, that's weird.

Did you not want her to know that you're engaged?

Yeah, did you not?

No, no. I mean, it just didn't come up.

You might need this.

- Stop it. - I'm just saying,

if I was engaged, I'd be singing it from the rooftops,

'cause I'd be happy about it, but I don't know. This isn't my business.

I know you were just messing around, but the waitress doesn't know that.

She might have gotten the wrong idea.

Yeah, the wrong idea being, there's an alternative to sleeping with me.

Just because she finds out Adam's taken,

doesn't mean she has to sleep with you.

It kind of does.

Look, I'll introduce you as my fiancee, and she'll back off.

Yeah, she'll back off you and back onto me.

And park.

Just because she finds out Adam is not...

It kind of does.

Just once, can I come home and catch you looking at porn like a normal guy?

Italian loafers I got a couple of weeks ago.

I'm enjoying the smell while it's still more leather than foot.

You want a whiff?

I've been married to you for 12 years. My sense of smell is shut.

What's with the 'tude?

It's not "'tude." I'm exhausted.

I've been getting ready for this huge presentation at work,

and today I almost dozed off in the middle of a meeting.

See, I told you your job was boring.

I'm exhausted because of your snoring.

By the way, it's getting worse.

You know, a guy at work cured his snoring with a simple surgery.

What, his wife got a boob job?

He got a surgery on his nose and his uvula.

Pretty sure that's a girl part.

It's not a girl part, but that explains a lot of clumsy groping.

I don't need surgery.

I'll just go back to wearing those nose strips.

Those don't work,

You spend all night telling me you look like you're in the NFL.

Like a white Jerry Rice.

Jerry White-Rice.

Look, it's a simple procedure.

It starts, it finishes, it's over before you know it.

And yes, I know there's a joke about our sex life in there.

I'm proud of you for catching that.

I am swamped at work right now, and I can't take time off for surgery.

Well, my presentation is tomorrow.

I have to get a good night's sleep.

All right, look, don't take this the wrong way or overreact.

How about tonight...

I sleep in the guest room.

Done. Beautiful.

Just mull it over.

It's just for tonight. We'll deal with your snoring after.

You relax, because I'm gonna go get us some take-out for dinner.

All right?

It's your last chance.

This may be the walk that pushes these bad boys over the edge.

Hey, Jeff, it's almost 7:30. Better get up.

What?

Good morning.

It's amazing how great a good night's sleep feels.

I actually got up early this morning, and I went to the gym.

Look at you.

What's on your face?

It's a cheese doodle.

I had a good night too. I caught a Steven Seagal marathon on TV.

He cannot act.

- Did you get any sleep last night? - I think so.

I dozed off during a movie where Seagal was skinny,

I woke up during one where he was fat.

Fat or thin, that man cannot act.

Okay. Wish me luck on my presentation.

You don't need luck.

You're a rock solid gal with top-notch ideas.

Which one is she? Is she pretty?

Oh, yeah, she's really hot.

What do you want me to say?

You could have said "not as pretty as you."

Of course she's not as pretty as...

There she is.

Adam, it's great to see you back.

Hi, Amy, this is my fiancee Jennifer.

I didn't know you were engaged.

Well, how could you? You're not psychic.

- Very nice to meet you. - You too.

Why don't you guys take that booth, and I'll be right with you.

See, now she knows, and everything's fine.

Order me a coffee. I'll be right back.

Your fiancee's pretty.

- Thanks. - So what can I get you?