T.J. Miller: Meticulously Ridiculous

"I mean, you must understand that he is in every sense of the word"

"a gilt-edged investment."

"I mean, he is the most important personality"

"of the entire history of show business,"

"and therefore, he has to be watched very carefully indeed."

Give it up for the star of Yogi bear 3-D, Mr. TJ Miller.

Denver!

Oh, Denver I'm so happy to be here. I'm...

I'm from Denver and I'm...

Yeah, why not? Why not?

Well, we made it.

Okay.

This is the only city, that's how great

the city of Denver is,

is the only place that you would cheer for the city

and Denver, not only does the cheer not die down,

it builds, and it builds and it builds, until...

Wasn't so friendly here, I love it.

I really love Denver, I love uh...

Yeah, I just made a decision,

not going to say Denver again in the show.

You're such friendly people. Yeah, we're friendly people here.

That's not the case in Los Angeles or New York,

you know what I mean?

You'll, you'll look someone in the eyes in Denver

and not only will you not look away, you'll smile.

That happened to me yesterday. This guy was walking his dog,

he just walked by me looked me directly in the eyes

and he's like...

Like some sort of fucking Colgate commercial or something like that,

something like that.

But I wanted to throw him a smile back, you know what I mean?

Why not, what's that cost ya, huh?

Not a pretty penny, not a God damn dime,

not a fucking five dollar bill, hmm. Hmm.

So he gave me the little... yeah, and I threw him one back,

I gave him a "Yeah!"

What's under there?

And he was like, "Under where?" And I was like, "That's what I thought."

I bet you didn't think you were going to see that today.

Not here, not for this show,

not for this discerning crowd.

I mean...

I mean, this fucking city, you know?

Have you guys been saying that? I say it all the time.

Not, it's not about Denver, it's just, I think it's very funny.

You ever do that? Just drink, drink your water

from the bottle like a little gerbil, like a hamster?

What's that, Diane? No, no, no, I, I, I don't need an appetizer.

This fucking city is a funny thing to say because you can say it anywhere.

I was at a yogurt store and I, uh I was like,

"Do you guys have chocolate sprinkles?"

And the girl was like, "No, we only have multicolored."

And I was like, "This fucking city."

"God damn it, no, it doesn't have anything to do with you."

"But this, this fucking city is tearing me apart."

You gotta start saying it. Do it to your boss on Monday.

If he gives you a new task just be like,

"Can you get this done by Wednesday?"

"This fucking city."

"Are you, are you upset with me?"

"No, it's not you."

"It's this God damn municipality."

Do you guys ever have nightmares?

- Yeah! - Oh, thank you.

The last crowd, this is real, I asked,

I said, "Do you guys ever have nightmares?"

and they said... Nothing. They said nothing.

You ask 2,000 people, "Do you have nightmares?"

And they, "Mm-mm."

"Mm-mm, we don't have them, we're just in yours."

You always want to tell people about your nightmares.

Why do we all want to tell, because it's a prison of your own minds' devising.

It's really a horrible thing but it, no one wants to hear it

because it's not a linear narrative.

Right? And we're used to stories, okay, okay,

so I had this nightmare last night, I woke up in m-,

it was like my principal's office but it was also my parents bedroom,

but it was neither, does that make sense? And then suddenly

I turn around and I'm on the beach and I'm like, "Oh my God,"

"there must be jellyfish." Because, you know, I'm scared of jellyfish.

Do you remember? Did I tell you, when I got stung in New Jersey?

Haven't told you that story? You're going to love that story.

Halfway through it they're, you know your friends are like,

"Just stop, stop, stop. Don't tell me, I don't want to hear this."

"Just stop wasting my time. Time is an incredibly important commodity,"

"just stop."

And I was in the middle of telling my nightmare

to this group of people, and this guy,

you know he was kind of like a, kind of a douchey,

kind of a guy, I'm trying to look around and find somebody that...

You know, look like see there's no douche bags in Colorado that didn't...

Well, look, he looked a little like you.

Ki-, look he had a backwards Pro back hat on.

No, not you, sir. The person behind you.

You look like a cool teacher.

This fucking guy had his glasses like,

like reading glasses, bifocals perhaps.

He's got reading glasses but he's got sunglasses

hanging from his white button down shirt,

like just that cool teacher that's like, "Hey, school's out."

"Let's talk, let's rap. How are you kids doing?"

"You guys all right? yeah?"

"A lot of people wanting to do drugs. Huh?"

"Putting on the pressure. You take it from me, all right?"

I did cocaine in the 1990s, alright? A lot of it. Alright?

A lot.

I ended up in a hotel, a motor hotel room in Omaha,

coked out of my mind after being up for eight days.

You know what I told myself?

"God darn it, I'm going to be a teacher,"

"and I'm going to be the coolest God damn teacher on the face of the planet."

And I decided never to button more than,

always will have two or three buttons unbuttoned,

so that while I talk to you my chest hair is distracting.

Mr. Gerlich I hate you. Ha ha ha ha.

So, this kind of douchey guy was just like,

"Oh, you have nightmares? Ha ha. Hmm."

"Cause I actually ah, I have night terrors."

I was like, "Fuck you, don't one up me with your night, terrors."

You're like, "Oh, sorry to hear about your bad dreams"

"about female horses. Sorry to hear about your night-mares."

"But actually my nights, my nights are filled with terror."

So, what I did is I went to his house in the dead of the night

and I built a bed that was a mirror image of his bed,

and I put the feet of the bed together and I dressed exactly

as he was dressed in identical sleeping garments,

and I went to sleep and I waited him awaking from his night terror,

and then I also awoke and mirrored

all of the things that he did.

So he was like... "ah!"

And I'm like, "Maah!"

And he's like, "Ah!" And I'm like, "Maah!"

And then I hit a button and then all these lights from Home Depot

that I had set up just tuf tuf tuf tuf tuf,

just flooded the room tuf tuf tuf tuf tuf tuf,

then I went, "Which is more terrifying, your night or my day?"

It's super expensive. And buddy I'll tell you what,

if they wake up while you're setting up the lights

you can kiss that friendship goodbye.

But so I'm from here, I live in Los Angeles, I smoke marijuana

in Los Angeles, I have a prescription...

I have a prescription for marijuana,

that guy stood up, hey, okay.

That's how high he was, he was like, "Everybody's going to stand up"

"for marijuana, yeah! Oh."

"We're not, we're not standing? Okay."

"I thought everybody was going to stand."

But I have a prescription for marijuana in Los Angeles,

it's medicinal, okay? It's for anxiety.

Primarily anxiety about getting arrested for marijuana.

America was founded on two things.

One of them we don't like to talk about and the other is tobacco.

So, marijuana is the new cash crop

that's going to take us, you know, through the next millennium.

It's excit-, excit-, excit-, exciting.

And Denver's at the forefront. I love it.

Now...

I like your laugh. Ha ha ha ha.

You laugh like he looks.

You laugh, you laugh like a cool teacher, like he just,

one of the kids made a reference to snap chat

and he thought it was funny and he was like,

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha."

I'm not making fun of your laugh, I would never do that.

Have you ever had a friend make fun of the way you laugh?

Ever had a friend, but you have?

You know what your friend is saying

when they make fun of the way that you laugh?

"Hey, you know that sound that you make when you're happy and joyful?"

"And the tragedy that permeates our everyday life"

"is momentarily abated for an ephemeral escapism?"

"Yeah, you sound stupid."

"You should feel self-conscious when you're happy."

You should be like, "Uh everything's okay for a moment, ar ar ar ar."

"Wait, do I sound like a seal? Ar ar ar ar."

"Don't throw me the ball. Ar ar ar ar ar ar ar ar."

You know alcohol's a better friend to you than marijuana is.

And I like marijuana, no, it is. It is, it's a better friend

because you blackout.

That's important. Everybody in here thinks they drink too much.

Everybody in here said to themselves, "You know, I, I, I"

"I should drink less." Every single person.

But no one in here has ever been like, "You know what..."

"I should drink more. I mean..."

"I'm, I'm, I'm having a half a glass of wine"

"every night that I go out to party."

"I should try this four, five, six,"

"forget to pick up your kids at school of glasses of wine."

"What have I been doing?"

What a great friend, alcohol. When you black out,

basically alcohol's going "Hey,"

"it's about to get pretty messy here in a second,"

"you can go ahead and take off."

"We'll take it from here, we've got it from here on out."

But when you smoke too much, marijuana is not a good friend.

Instead of turning your mind off, like when you blackout,

it turns your mind all the way up completely.

You're using your mind way too much and become paranoid,

you know what I mean? You're in a room with your good friends