Home Alone

- -

- Answer the phone. - Where's my suitcase?

I'm going downstairs. Who stole my hair dryer?

- Miss. Young lady. Excuse me. Girls. -

- Hey, hey, little fella. -

- Excuse me, girls. Girls. - Take the witches!

Hey. Hey, big fella. Excuse me.

Come help me make up these beds in the living room!

Excuse me. Ma'am!

- Hi. Hey, son! Son! - Who stole my book bag?

Big fella! Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Little guy. Little guy!

Pete's brother and his family are here. Oh, it's crazy.

- Trish is going to Montreal. - Montreal?

- Uh-huh. - That's right. Her family's there.

- And we're off. - When do you leave?

- Tomorrow. - You're not ready, are you?

Mom! Uncle Frank won't let me watch the movie, but the big kids can.

- Why can't I? - Kevin, I'm on the phone.

When do you come back? Not till then?

It's not even rated "R." He's just being a jerk.

Kevin, if Uncle Frank says no,

then it must be really bad.

We're not bringing the dog. We're putting him--

Hey, hey, hey! Get off. Kevin, out of the room.

Hang up the phone and make me, why don't ya?

Oh, this kid.

Kate, did you by any chance pick up a voltage adapter thing?

I didn't have time to do that.

How am I supposed to shave in France?

- Grow a goatee. - Dad, nobody'll let me do anything.

I've got something for you to do.

Pick up those Micro Machines that are all over in there.

Aunt Leslie stepped on one and almost broke her neck.

He was in the garage again, playing with the glue gun.

Didn't we talk about that?

Did I burn down the joint? I don't think so.

- I was making ornaments out of fishhooks. - My new fishhooks?

I can't make ornaments out of the old ones, with dry worm guts stuck on 'em.

- Peter. - Come on, Kevin. Out.

Peter, Kate, do you guys have a voltage adapter?

- Here! Here's a voltage adapter. - Oh, you're getting heavy.

Go pack your suitcase.

Pack my suitcase?

- Do you know where the shampoo is, Fuller? - I don't live here.

A house with this many people, there's no shampoo?

- Are your parents home? - Yeah, but they don't live here.

- Tracy, did you order the pizza? - Buzz did.

- Excuse me, miss. Are your parents here? - My parents live in Paris. Sorry.

- Hi! - Hi!

- Are your parents home? - Yeah.

- Do they live here? - No.

No. Why should they? All kids, no parents. Probably a fancy orphanage.

I don't know how to pack a suitcase. I've never done this once in my whole life.

- Tough. - That's what Megan said.

- What did I say? - You told Kevin, "Tough."

The dope was whining about a suitcase. What am I supposed to do?

Shake his hand and say, "Congratulations, you're an idiot"?

- I'm not an idiot! - Oh, really? You're completely helpless!

- Everyone has to do everything for you. - She's right, Kev.

Excuse me, puke-breath.

I'm a lot smaller than you. I don't know how to pack a suitcase.

- I hope you didn't just pack crap, Jeff. - Shut up, Linnie.

Do you know what I should pack?

Buzz told you, cheek-face. Toilet paper and water.

Listen, Kev, what are you so worried about?

You know mom's gonna pack your stuff anyway.

You're what the French call les incompetents.

- What? - Bombs away!

P.S. You have to sleep on the hide-a-bed with Fuller.

If he has something to drink, he's gonna wet the bed.

This house is so full of people, it makes me sick!

When I grow up and get married, I'm livin' alone!

Did you hear me? I'm livin' alone!

I'm livin'alone!

Who's gonna feed your spider while we're gone?

He just ate a whole load of mice guts. He should be good for a couple weeks.

Is it true that French babes don't shave their pits?

Some don't.

But they got nude beaches.

Not in the winter.

- Buzz? - Don't you know how to knock, phlegm-wad?

Can I sleep in your room? I don't want to sleep with Fuller.

If he has something to drink, he'll wet the bed.

I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my ass.

Check it out. Old man Marley.

Who is he?

You ever heard of the South Bend Shovel Slayer?

- No. - That's him.

Back in '58, he murdered his whole family and half the people on his block...

with a snow shovel.

Been hiding out in this neighborhood ever since.

Well, if he's the Shovel Slayer, how come the cops don't arrest him?

Not enough evidence to convict.

They never found the bodies.

But everyone around here knows he did it.

Now it'll just be a matter of time before he does it again.

What's he doin' now?

He walks up and down the streets every night...

salting the sidewalks.

Maybe he's just trying to be nice.

No way.

See that garbage can full of salt?

That's where he keeps his victims.

The salt turns the bodies...

into mummies.

- Wow. - Mummies.

- - Look out!

How you kids doin', huh? Good?

Lot of action around here today, huh?

Goin' on vacation? Where you goin'?

Do you hear me or what? Goin'on a trip?

Where you goin', kid?

- -

Okay, that's 122.50.

Not for me, kid. I don't live here.

- Oh. You just around for the holidays? - I guess you could say that.

- Hey, pizza's here! - Here you go. That's 122.50.

It's my brother's house. He'll take care of it.

- - Hey, listen, uh--

- Hi. - Hi. Are you Mr. McCallister?

- Yeah. - The Mr. McCallister who lives here?

- Yes. - Oh, good, 'cause somebody owes me 122.50.

- I'd like a word with you, sir. - Am I under arrest or something?

No, no. It's Christmastime. There's always a lot of burglaries around the holidays.

We're checking the neighborhood to see if everyone's taking the proper precautions.

Oh, yeah. Well, we have automatic timers for our lights, locks for our doors.

That's about as well as anybody can do.

- You get some eggnog? - Come on, Dad.

- Let's eat. - Come on.

- Eggnog? Listen, are you gonna be leaving. - Pizza! Pizza!

- Pizza! -

Grab yourself a napkin. You're gonna have to pour your own drinks.

Does Santa Claus have to go through customs?

- What time do we have to go to bed? - Early.

We're leaving the house at 8:00 a.m. on the button.

I hope you're all drinking milk. I want to get rid of it. Hey! Don't you dare.

Honey, the pizza boy needs $122.50, plus a tip.

For pizza?

Ten pizzas times 12 bucks.

- Frank, you've got money. Come on. - Traveler's checks.

Forget it, Frank. We have cash.

You've probably got traveler's checks that don't work in France.

Did anyone order me a plain cheese?

Oh, yeah, we did. But if you want any,

somebody's gonna have to barf it all up, 'cause it's gone.

Fuller! Go easy on the Pepsi.

Kev! Kevin, get a plate.

- - Wow!

The passports! Watch it!

- - Help me out here!

Let's get these passports out of here.

- Kevin, get off of him! - You moron!

Are you okay, honey? Come here. Are you all right?

What is the matter with you?

He started it! He ate my pizza on purpose.

He knows I hate sausage and olives and--

Look what you did, you little jerk!

- Kevin, get upstairs right now. - Why?

- Kevin, you're such a disease. - Shut up.

- Kevin, upstairs! - Say good night, Kevin.

- Good night, Kevin. - Now what's for dinner?

Why do I always get treated like scum?

Oh, I'm sorry. This house is just crazy.

We've got all these extra kids running around.

My brother-in-law drove in from Ohio today. It's just nuts.

How come you didn't bring more cheese pizzas?

Nice tip. Thanks a lot.

- Thanks. - Having a reunion or something?

My husband's brother transferred to Paris last summer...

and his kids are still going to school here,

and I guess he missed the whole family.

He's giving us this trip to Paris so we can be together.

- You're taking a trip to Paris? - Yes, we hope to leave tomorrow morning.

Excellent. Excellent.

If you'll excuse me, this one's out of sorts. I'll be right back.

Don't worry about me. I spoke to your husband already.

And don't worry about your home.

It's in good hands.

There are 15 people in this house. You're the only one that has to make trouble.

- I'm the only one getting dumped on. - You're the only one acting up.

- Now get upstairs. - I am upstairs, dummy.

- The third floor? - Go.

It's scary up there.

Don't be silly. Fuller will be up in a little while.

I don't want to sleep with Fuller. You know about him. He wets the bed.

He'll pee all over me. I know it.

Fine. We'll put him somewhere else.

I'm sorry.

It's too late. Get upstairs.

Everyone in this family hates me.

Then maybe you should ask Santa for a new family.

I don't want a new family! I don't want any family! Families suck!

Stay up there. I don't want to see you again for the rest of the night.

I don't want to see you for the rest of my life.

And I don't want to see anybody else either.

I hope you don't mean that.

You'd feel pretty sad if you woke up tomorrow morning

and you didn't have a family.

- No, I wouldn't. - Then say it again.

Maybe it'll happen.