My Gal Sal

- Thank you, Malcolm. - Not at all, Mr. Dreiser.

- Tell Paul I said good-bye. - I will.

- What are you sniffling about, Theodore? - I'm not sniffling.

Look here, son,

I'm tired of having you mope around because Paul's going away to school.

You should be happy that your brother's going to be a minister.

I am happy.

Paul, you better put that banjo away.

Please, Paul. It's your father.

Cary, off the bed.

Paullook. Pa's got your new suit.

It's nothing to get so excited about, Theodore.

Thanks for picking it up for me.

You have more than that to thank me for.

This isn't the suit I picked out.

Of course it isn't.

This is your old suit, the one that you tore. Look, there's a patch.

There was no reason you should pay $12 for a suit when this could be easily altered.

But it was my $12. I earned it.

Paul, I've always tried to impress upon you the necessity for thrift.

The sooner you learn frugality, the less difficulty you'll have later.

Learn it? That's all I know or ever heard.

Maybe I'd better learn something besides it.

You might as well realize that as a minister, you'll always be a poor man.

- I'm not so sure I want to be one. - What?

I want to be a musician. I've always wanted to be a musician.

We settled that nonsense long ago.

I told you at the time I didn't want to hear it again. And I won't listen now.

Well...

- Maybe you'll have to. - Paul, please.

Everything's settled.

You're going to theological school tomorrow,

and you're going in that suit.

Cary, Theodore.

The way it's mended, no one would ever notice it was torn.

I'll know it.

I don't see what difference that makes,

as long as nobody else does.

Makes a lot of difference.

Son!

Aren't you going to say good-bye to me?

- How did you know I was going? - I knew it this afternoon.

The way you faced up to him.

Well, I would have told him then, except for you.

I thought it would be best if I slipped out this way.

Are you sure you're doing the right thing?

There's nothing else I can do.

Will you... will you let me know where you are, Paul?

As soon as I know myself.

Friends, so there will be no confusion at the outset,

none of this exquisite jewelry is for sale.

So please don't embarrass me by attempting to purchase it.

It will soon appear in your local stores.

We are merely introducing it tonight.

I want you to examine this jewelry thoroughly

and observe for yourself that it is all 24 karat gold.

I'd like to see it, mister!

Delighted, my good man, delighted.

Naturally, I'll have to ask you for a $10 deposit while you examine it.

Just a gesture of good faith, my friends,

in as much as each cloth contains $100 worth of jewelry.

Your deposit will be returned when you finish your perusal. Thank you, sir.

- I'd like to see that one. - Very good, ma'am, very good.

Very good.

Have you ever seen such... Such delicate design?

Such luster. Thank you, madam.

Thank you. Thank you, sir.

The ideal Christmas gift.

The ideal wedding or graduation gift.

And remember, my friends, it is not for sale now at any price.

Now, examine this jewelry to your heart's content.

And while Mr. Dresser entertains you with one of his new compositions,

I will, uh, step inside, and the gentlemen will understand...

Soothe my throat.

Double whiskey and chaser, please.

- I'll be back in a moment. - Yes, sir.

- Hey, this ain't nothin' but brass! - What?

I put vinegar on it, and it turned black.

What?

Out of my way! Hurry!

- Why, he's gone! He's gone! - Catch him!

- I don't even... I don't even know him! - Ah, he's trying to cover up!

- I met him just today. That's the truth. - We'll tar and feather you!

Yeah!

Throw him in the mud.

Dump him in there.

- Come on. Let's go home. - Ah, let's go.

Let's see if we can get the rest off, hmm?

How did I get here?

Mostly luck. Found you alongside the road.

First, we thought you were a Turkey.

Everybody was terribly disappointed when they found we couldn't eat you.

If you feel strong enough, I'll help you into my wagon.

I'll be all right. I...

You've done enough for me already.

Now that I've wasted all this time cleaning you up, I want you to live.

Come on. I'll help you.

Put your arm around my neck.

Put your arm around my neck.

- Who concocted this pharmacopeia? - I did.

Murphy, you have deviated from my usual formula.

Make it sweet. Always make it plenty sweet, so the babies will cry for it.

Add, uh, 50 or 60 pounds more sugar, and, uh...

Might put in a couple gallons of peppermint.

All right, more peppermint.

That's the asthma cure the colonel's making now.

For rheumatism, they leave out the sugar.

Good morning. Feeling better?

Good morning, miss Collins.

I feel kinda sore. My skin hurts.

Oh, you'll be all right.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate what you've done for me.

Oh, forget it.

Who can tell? I may need you to take the tar off me some day.

Oh, I'd like to.

I mean, I... I'd like to be able to do something for you in return.

Well, I... I brought some clothes for you.

An old suit of the colonel's.

Why, I can't take them. I...

I don't know whether I'll be able to return them or not.

I think that'll be pretty easy. I got him to give you a job too.

Well, he hasn't even heard me play. How does he know whether I'm any good or not?

That doesn't matter.

If you're not a good musician, you can always pound stakes.

Gosh, I... I don't know how I'll ever be able to thank you.

Don't you?

- Bashful, aren't you? - No, of course not.

What's the matter? Don't you like me?

Sure, I like you. I...

Haven't you ever kissed a girl before?

Sure, sure. It's... it's just that I...

Well, I didn't want you to think I was fresh. That's all.

Well?

Do you feel better now?

Gee, I sure do.

Well, well, well.

My friends, this is a joy, this is a pleasure.

It makes me very happy to see...

To see so many smiling and happy, contented faces

at my little entertainment tonight.

- Friends, just 28... - Honey.

Yeah?

Hook me up.

How do you like it?

Another new suit. Well, that makes three you've bought this month.

Oh, those others were just to wear. This came from Chicago.

- That's a big-city cut, all right. - Yep.

All I sent was my measurements and the money, and it came back like this.

Those gents are my tailors from now on.

Uh-oh, better hook me up. The colonel's almost to his death scene.

They nursed back to life and held those that they love. My friends...

Did you watch my act last night, Mae?

I watch you every night.

Well, don't miss my act tonight. I'm going to try out a new novelty.

They pleaded. They said, “colonel truckee, please, please don't... ”

Well, the colonel is just before dying. I'm almost on.

You know, if this stunt goes over, I'm gonna hit the colonel for a raise.

Fat chance you have of getting it.

Well, if! Don't, I'll start my own show.

All you need's an Indian and a couple of recipes.

And on and do my duty for my fellow man.

I was told that one day...

Here it is.

My time has come, folks.

But don't weep for me. Don't feel badly.

I've had a good life. A happy life.

So good-bye, friends. Good-bye. Good-bye.

Oh!

Colonel, here.

Step aside! I need no assistance!

Oh, friends, amazing.

Amazing! Marvelous!

You have seen this miracle performed before your very eyes.

That was due to the kickapoo Indian remedy medicine.

It cures everything.

Rheumatism, consumption, yellow fever, black fever, Scarlet fever,

measles, bruise, cuts, scars, dandruff!

Here it is, folks. One dollar a bottle.

My red friends will pass amongst you and sell this wonderful product for a dollar.

Remember, folks, one dollar a bottle.

One dollar a bottle, and buy while you have the opportunity.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

you are going to be entertained by Mr. Paul dresser,