Porridge

Right. He's all yours, then. And a happy New Year, jock.

- Aye. Escort duty on New Year's Eve. - Happy New Year, Fletcher.

Oh, yes. Very witty. Very droll Yes.

Norman Stanley Fletcher,

you have pleaded guilty to the charges brought by this court.

It is my duty to pass sentence, You are an habitual criminal',

who accepts arrest as an occupational hazard,

and presumably accepts imprisonment in the same casual manner.

We therefore fee! constrained to commit' you

to the maximum term allowed for these offences.

You will go to prison for five years. Do you wish to address the court?

- Cobblers. - What?

What Brian Clough says about London clubs.

- That is my paper. - Can I read your dirty book, then?

- Get your own. - We're in motion.

You should have thought of that before.

I wasn't even allowed a jimmy Riddle.

Shut your mouth!

- You can read my Angling Times. - He can't.

Mollycoddling him already. People seem to forget what prison is for.

He's paying a debt to society,

not having an all-expenses paid holiday with magazines.

You're going to prison to be punished.

I spy with my Little eye something beginning with C.

You watch it, sonny. Watch it.

Constable.

- Look, don't you come it with rne. - I wouldn't, Mr Mackay.

Otherwise, you'd wait till we get to Hemel Hempstead and chuck rne out.

Put it down as attempted escape

- He wouldn't do that. - I suppose not.

He couldn't spell Hemel Hempstead. He'd wait till we got to Rugby.

Now, Look. One more allegation of brutality and I'll let you have it.

We've got a long journey. We don't want to conduct it

in an atmosphere of hostility and aggression, do we?

Why don't we have a nice cup of tea?

- No, you sit still. I'll get them. - I'll pay, then. Anything you want?

Tea with two sugars. One of them fruit...

He's a giggle, isn't he?

Perhaps it's with being Scotch and missing Hogmanay.

- They take it very seriously. - Oh, yeah.

Well, they take any excuse for drinking seriously.

There's nothing social about their drinking.

It's not a question of just mellowing over a glass of vino.

They just drink to get drunk, don't they?

Cor! Look at her!

Only one thing worse than a drunk Scotsman - a sober one.

- I'm Scots on my mother's side. - That's different.

Second generation. That's different.

I'm a mixture. Scots, English, Irish and Polish.

Oh? Your mum got about a bit, didn't she?

- No, I didn't mean... - I'm pure London. Pure North London.

If you go to Muswell Hill, the graveyard's full of Fletchers.

Shall I tell you something? There's been a Fletcher around our way

going right back to Henry IV, Part I.

I've no heritage myself. I had a granddad in Accrington.

My great granddad was William Wellington Fletcher.

He was the last man in England to be hung for sheep stealing.

There was Matthew Jarvis Fletcher. He was at Newgate with jack Sheppard.

- So it runs in the family, crime? - Probably. Yeah.

I know there's a load of Fletchers in Australia.

- Are you from a rough neighbourhood? - No, Muswell Hill

It's very respectable. Suburban.

- Broken home? - No, just had their diamond wedding.

I was just wondering why.

Well, when I left school, I went round the Labour

to appraise the opportunities open to me, know what I mean?

Due to my lack of scholastic achievement,

I was unable to follow professions I wanted to, like stock brokering

or teaching tennis in a girls' school.

As I didn't fancy working in the cardboard box factory,

- I robbed a sub-post office. - And never looked back since.

No. Nor have I ever been short of stamps.

- What are you in for this time? - Don't ask. It's a farce.

I should have stuck to what I know, housebreaking,

but I lift this lorry. Impulse steal. I thought it would be a doddle.

- I gather it wasn't. - You know why? Brakes failed.

It's criminal how they let lorries on the road in that condition.

And he was overloaded. So I'm roaring along with five ton at my back.

- It's a wonder you weren't killed. - I went through three gardens,

crashed through a wall, finished up in someone's tool shed.

Did they get you for wilful destruction of property?

- Eh? - Knocking that wall down.

Yeah. I asked for six other fences to be taken into consideration.

- Get it? Get it? - Pardon?

Never mind.

Hang on. Would you like a bit of this?

Oh... Oh, no. You've only got a bit left.

Oh, yeah.

- What made you take up this Lark? - Prison Service?

Yeah. What made you fancy it?

I always wanted some vocation which would enable rne to satisfy my desire

to do work of public usefulness... and get a free house and a uniform.

- What's it like, this nick? - It's very good. It's modern.

It's experimental. We've got a cricket pitch and a psychiatrist.

- Still, bird's bird, innit? - Not in this place.

If you were to take advantage of our courses,

of our many occupational and/or recreational activities,

you could come out an intermediate welder

- or an accomplished oboe player. - Oh, yeah?

It's a pity you're not in Longer. You could take civil engineering.

That is a pity, yeah. Pity I'm not doing a ten-stretch.

I could have taken my welding finals and become a doctor of philosophy.

You know, I'm an amateur botanist, myself.

Sometimes I take prisoners on the fells,

and we explore the natural phenomena of the countryside.

- The fells? - Aye. Lovely views.

Yeah... I might put down for that. That might interest me, that.

The natural phenomena of our countryside.

How far's the nearest railway station?

That's the beauty. We're miles from anywhere.

Oh! Are we?

- You could learn woodwork... - Listen. Listen.

I don't want no reconditioning, no resettlement courses.

All I want to do is count the days till I get out.

You'll change, you know? Oh, yes.

Even some of the most cynical criminals have changed at this place.

You see, they respond to our methods, which are not based on punishment,

but on sympathy and understanding.

- Ah, thank you. - I forget whether you take sugar,

but it makes no difference, because I spilled most of yours.

But what you gonna do about it, eh?

Where's all this sympathy and understanding?

What's he doing working at this nick? He'd bring back the birch, he would.

- What's he on about? - Mr Mackay runs several activities.

Oh? Like rock-breaking and compulsory pot-holing, I suppose.

I'll soon have you in shape. You'll be a shadow of your former self.

I'll bet he's secretary of the Lord Chief justice Appreciation Society.

You show rne some respect, keep your nose clean, you'll be all right.

- I'm hard but fair. - Like Leeds United.

If you like. You play ball with rne and you'll find I'm a reasonable man.

- Oh. Can I look at your dirty book? - You get to hell!

You have to admire consistency.

Try Page 24. Ooh, dear!

- How far, then? - About an hour across the fells.

- Can I have a jimmy Riddle? - Should have thought of that before.

I did. There's been nothing else on my mind.

Why won't you let me go to the Lavatory?

Oh... I see what you mean, yeah.

You better let him go. We can't stop in transit.

All right, then. Around the back.

Thanks, Mr Mackay.

- What do you reckon? - I'm no mechanic.

Plugs? Ignition?

Put the bracelets on him.

And don't you be thinking fate has given you a last chance at freedom.

- I don't believe in fate. - (ENGINE STRUGGLES)

- Sounds like the carburettor - Have to get the bus, won't we?

What bus?

Well, hitch a Lift, then.

Who drives round here on New Year's Eve?

- Who drives round here any time? - Getting a bit parky, innit?

It'll be dark soon.

God almighty!

Hasn't one of your courses taught you how to cope with mechanical failure?

It's survival we'll want out here.

It'll be dark soon. And they forecast snow.

Pull yourself together, Mr Barrowclough.

Don't take it out on him.

Look, there's one thing for it. I am going on.

I'm going on to the prison. You do not move from here,

and you do not take the bracelets off him. Right?

- Right, Mr Mackay. - And you, behave yourself.

Right, Mr Mackay.

Ooh, sorry! Sorry.

Gawd! By the time they get here, we'll be dead from exposure...

- like Robert Taylor in that picture. - What picture?

It was a western about buffalo hunting in the frozen north.

He had to spend all night out of doors. Up a tree, he was.

- Why was he up a tree? - He was avoiding buffalo

driven half crazy by the extreme cold.