Extras

Maybe I'm stupid,

maybe the jury's stupid.

So many things don't add up.

You say you were in a restaurant,

you ate alone, but no one remembers you.

And the flowers,

the flowers.

It seems very odd that you would send your wife flowers and not include a card.

It seems very odd that you would send your wife flowers and not include a card.

Whenever I sent my wife flowers, I always wrote a card.

Objection!

- When did you ever send me flowers? - I sent you flowers.

Name me one occasion when you sent me flowers?

- After your mother died. - A wreath doesn't count.

- Of course it does. - Does that count?

- My Lord, does that count? - It's still flowers.

You asked when did I ever send you flowers.

- Let's stick to the facts, shall we? - Shove your facts and your flowers...

Order! Order!

I order you to kiss and make up.

- My Lord? - My Lord?

You heard me.

And cut there. Thank you, everybody. Thank you very much, guys.

Okay, cut there, thank you. Thanks, Pete.

- Hello? - All right?

- Hey, how you doing? - Nervous.

- Why? - Big night, innit?

- Why, why, what's happened? - Filming the sitcom.

- What sitcom? - My sitcom. You're coming down.

Oh, yeah. I thought that was next week.

No, it's tonight, 7:30. Then every Thursday for six weeks.

- Put it in your diary. - I haven't got a diary.

- It's a figure of speech. - You doing a speech?

Well, this has been helpful. I'm glad I called.

Listen, let me know how it goes, eh?

- You're coming down. - Oh, right then. Well, what time does it start?

- You're coming down. - Oh, right then. Well, what time does it start?

- 7:30. - All right then. Bye.

All right, cheers.

Thank you.

- All right, see you later. Bye, yeah. Hiya. - Hi.

- What were you rolling your eyes at? - Just all that lot.

All, ooh, fawning all over you. That must get a bit exhausting, eh?

Yeah, it can be pretty exhausting, yeah.

Well, especially 'cause they're just doing it 'cause you're famous.

Well, they're not doing it just 'cause I'm famous, though.

- Well, it is, though, innit? - No, it's my looks as well.

Hmm. I just don't think that they would be acting like that if you weren't a film star.

Hmm. I just don't think that they would be acting like that if you weren't a film star.

Yeah, they pretty much would, yeah. I've always had attention.

No, well, all I'm saying is, like, if you were the prop boy, you'd just get ignored.

No, well, all I'm saying is, like, if you were the prop boy, you'd just get ignored.

What, with this face? I wouldn't get ignored.

I'll tell you who does get ignored. Johnny Depp.

On the set of Pirates of the Caribbean the birds just walk straight past him,

"Get out the bloody way, whoever you are, we wanna get to Orlando."

- They're round me like flies round shit. - They ignore Johnny Depp?

Yeah. They're going, "Oh, Orlando, who's that freak over there that we didn't notice?"

I'm going, "It's Johnny Depp," you know,

and they're going, "Who cares? You were Legolas in Lord of the Rings."

"Ooh, look at me, I make art-house movies.

"Oh, I've got scissors for hands." Willy Wonka? Johnny Wanker.

"Oh, I've got scissors for hands." Willy Wonka? Johnny Wanker.

Okay, stand by, everybody. Stand by, thank you.

Okay, stand by, everybody. Stand by, thank you.

Hey, buddy!

- All right? How's it going, all set? - I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing.

- No? - This is not the comedy I set out to do.

I wanted something real that people would relate to and it's all changed

- because people have stuck their nose in. - Yeah, I'm hearing you.

But do you know what, this is typical first-night nerves, all right?

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Oh, the script's not funny."

You know, "It's crass, it's lowest common denominator."

And, you know, you're right.

But don't worry about it because people will watch anything, all right?

Particularly if it's on after EastEnders and they ain't got to change the channel.

Those sort of morons will help us win the ratings war,

and, you know, ratings in the end are what count.

- And merchandise. - Well, it's not what counts for me, all right?

I wanted to write a good credible comedy that would stand the test of time.

Yeah, I know. I agree, I was just saying that

'cause that's what I thought you wanted me to say.

Well, don't. Tell the truth.

I will, and the truth is, if you're not happy, I'm right behind you.

- Right. - And I've got the perfect replacement.

- For what? - For you, for your character. It's only Barry.

- All right, Shaun? - He's all set, knows all the lines,

he's ready to go, can step in. What's your character's catchphrase?

It's not a catchphrase. It's something the real Ray used to actually say.

What was it?

Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh?

Look at that, nothing, stony face.

And I love a giggle me. I love a laugh, don't I? You do it.

Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh?

It's good, innit? I don't know how he comes up with it.

- He didn't come up with it. - Yeah.

The thing about Barry is, and I've noticed this, right,

people will laugh at him, they never laugh with him. It's extraordinary.

Look at that face.

There's a sort of undercurrent of tragedy to it, isn't there? Do it.

Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh?

- I love it, because he's desperate. - Yeah, the role's taken, cheers.

- I love it, because he's desperate. - Yeah, the role's taken, cheers.

- Pardon us. Hello, how's it going? All right? - Yeah, everything all right?

- I think so. Damon? - Yeah, everybody's in.

Rehearsals should kick off about twenty past.

- Right. - Just one teeny-incy-winsy-little hiccup,

Paul Shane's dropped out.

- Why? - He was worried it was a little bit too broad.

Paul Shane thinks this is too broad? Right.

Well, it's only a little part, isn't it? And we've got a replacement, Keith's on his way.

- Keith? - Keith Chegwin.

Keith Chegwin? Can he act? He's a TV presenter, isn't he?

We thought it'd add a nice little bit of extra kitsch value.

Yeah, great.

- See that, that does annoy me a little bit. - Why?

Well, if you're looking for a podgy fella who'll do anything to get on the telly, Barry.

You were trying to get him my part a minute ago.

Well, he's versatile. He's multi-talented.

You never even saw his one-man version of Romeo and Juliet.

Do a bit for them. It was brilliant.

O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?

What satisfaction canst thou have tonight?

The exchange of thy love's faithful vow for mine.

Oh, I gave thee mine before thou didst request it,

and yet I would it were to give again.

- Always gets me, that bit. Well done. - All right, okay.

- Maggie. Hello. - Oh, hi.

You're not still an extra are you? Oh, God, that must do your head in.

You know I'm an actress now? How long have you been an extra?

- Supporting artist. - How long have you been doing that now?

I only did it about 18 months and then I was plucked out of the cesspool.

- No disrespect. - None taken.

I've got a scene later with Orlando Bloom.

- Ah. - He's gorgeous.

Well... I just did a scene with him.

No, but yeah, I mean, I've got an actual scene with dialogue,

not just a fuzzy blob in the background.

- No disrespect. - None taken, again.

Oh, hang on. Oh, it's Matty Bowers.

- I've just got to take this. - It's okay.

Hello, darling.

Listen, listen... No, Matt, can I just call you back?

- Sorry I'm just with a friend. - It's all right. I'm all right.

Yes, she is female.

Oh, he says can I take a picture of you? Hold on a sec, hang on.

Oh, he says can I take a picture of you? Hold on a sec, hang on.

I'll text it to you. You're a dirty old man. Bye.

Actually, he's not old. He's 28 and he's got his own yacht.

- Oh. Oh. - He's quite a catch.

So where you living at the moment? Have you got your own place?

- Yes, I've got my own place. - 'Cause you were renting before.

That grotty little council place behind Londis.

- Yeah, I'm still there. - You're well, though?

- Surprisingly. - Yeah, well, that's the main thing, yeah.

Even if you've got nothing else, at least you've got your health, eh?

- At the moment. - Yeah.

Talking of bad luck. Did you hear about Barbara?

Trevor's left her for a younger model. She is devastated, honestly, all alone,

Trevor's left her for a younger model. She is devastated, honestly, all alone,

crying herself to sleep every night in that big house.

She has got her own house, at least, which is something.

Good for her.

Oh, that'll be Matty.

Oh. No.

Never mind.

Oh, he's late again. Alfie's going to be in so much trouble.

Well, I'm not carrying the can for him again.

Well, there's no excuses this time. Mr Stokes said if he's late one more time,

he's gonna give him the brush off.

Oh, here he is. Alfie, not again.

- Why are you late? - Because I buried me sister today!

Yep, great. Let's move on. Next scene.

Sorry, I don't want to interfere. Is that how he's gonna do it?

Because it's meant to be a sad line, "I buried my sister today."

He was smiling. It's got to be an emotional...

- Hang on, everyone. - Sorry, Keith, can we try that again?

You were smiling, mate, it's...

They all sort of think you're a joke 'cause you're always late,

but today you've got a valid reason, you buried your sister.

It's sort of like a... Oh, it's like an emotional point in the show.

- Could we do it again? - Yeah, no worries.

Okay, sorry.

You're smiling again. You mustn't smile, you're sad. Okay?

You're smiling again. You mustn't smile, you're sad. Okay?

You've just been to a funeral.

Okay, in you come.

Alfie, not again. Why are you late?

Because I buried my sister today.

Don't look at the camera.

- You mustn't look at the camera. - Sorry.

- Okay? - Yeah.

It sort of breaks the illusion this is real life.

- Right. - Go again.

Okay, in you come, action.

You're smiling. Sad.

You looked straight at the lens again. Good, double whammy, and again.

You looked straight at the lens again. Good, double whammy, and again.

Action.

- Alfie, not again. Why are you late? - Because I...