A Thousand Clowns

Neighbors?

I have an announcement for you.

I have never seen such a collection

of dirty windows.

Now, I wanna see all of you out there on the fire escapes

with your Mr. Clean bottles, and let's snap it up!

Murray, do you have to shout like that every morning?

-Clears my head. -Say, Murray,

were you planning maybe today to look for a job?

-To what? -Look for a job, Murray.

Shh, Murray.

Murray, what'd you get me down here for?

-I mean, I--I just-- -Nick, what time is it?

Well, it's about 7:20, but, Murray, now I have to--

Shh!

Shh.

Nick, in a moment, you're going to see

a horrible thing.

What's that?

People going to work.

Gee, Murray, I hope it's not gonna be a long visit

with the junkman today, I have something

I have to discuss with you.

Junkman? Peruccio here is a dealer

in obsolete structures.

Uhh, you still getting a buck for this?

Half a buck.

Peruccio...

-Two bits? -Deal.

Oh, Murray, not another eagle.

Nick.

You can't have too many eagles.

Hey, wait a minute.

Why did you follow me down here, why aren't you in school today?

Well, it's a holiday.

Yeah, it's Irving R. Feldman's birthday, like you said.

No, Irving R. Feldman's birthday

is my own personal national holiday.

I did not open it up for the public.

He is proprietor of perhaps the most distinguished

kosher delicatessen in our neighborhood,

and, as such, I hold the day of his birth in reverence.

Well, you said you weren't gonna look for work today,

‘cause it was Irving R. Feldman's birthday,

so, I figured I'd celebrate too a little.

Ah, don't kid me, Nick.

I thought you liked that damn genius school.

Oh, I figured I'd better stick with you today,

something I gotta discuss.

See, uhh...

because it's this special school for big brains,

they watch you and take notes and make reports,

and they smile at you a lot--Murray?

Murray, they're very nervous there.

And there was this composition I wrote in creative writing

about the advantages of unemployment insurance.

Why did you write about that?

It's on my mind.

And once they got my record out, they started to notice

what they call "significant data."

Turns out they've been keeping this file on me for a long time.

Checking with that Child Welfare place,

same place you got those letters from.

I never answer letters from large organizations.

Well, anyway, when they come over there,

I just thought we could--

Wait a minute, when who comes over where?

Our apartment.

This Child Welfare crowd, they wanna take a look

at our environment there.

Nick, why didn't you tell me about this before?

Well, you know, the past couple of nights

we couldn't get together.

That was unavoidable, you know when I have a lot of work,

you stay up at Mrs. Meyer's.

Murray, your work forgot her gloves last night.

Well, anyway, for these Child Welfare guys,

I figure we better set up some kind of a story this morning

-before they get there. -You know, you make it sound

like a vice raid.

Well, I mean, for one thing, Murray, you don't even

-have a job right now. -Hey.

Have you ever been to the top of the Empire State Building?

Four times with you in November.

Oh, really?

Have you ever been to the Statue of Liberty?

-No, Murray, I-- -Today is Irving R. Feldman's

birthday, we shall go to the top of the Statue of Liberty,

and watch the Queen Elizabeth come in

full of all those tired, poor, huddled masses

yearning to breathe free.

Murray, will you listen to me, we have to--

Murray, couldn't I just read you from The Times again,

like last week, hm?

Oh, okay, read me from the paper.

Hey, Murray, this paper is three days old.

So, what do you want me to do, bury it?

Is it starting to rot or something--come on,

read me from the paper.

Yeah, but most of these jobs, somebody must've taken 'em.

-I'll go get a newer paper. -No, we do not need

a newer paper--all the really important jobs stay forever.

Now, start on the first page of help wanted, male,

and read me from the paper.

Okay.

"Exec assist, ex oppty,

$90 to top sell."

What's that?

"Executive assistant, excellent opportunity."

Nothing. Keep reading.

Hey, here's a perfect one.

It says, "Writer wanted.

Writer-editor, industrial periodicals,

to write handbooks, reports, and promotion

on electronic equipment."

What you got there, kid, the want ads or the obituaries?

Ha-ha, okay, kid,

read me some more want ads.

You know, Murray, you don't want a job is the whole thing.

Would you just concentrate on being a child,

because I find your imitation of an adult

hopelessly inadequate.

Well, you wanna be your own boss, Murray,

but the trouble with that is you don't pay yourself anything.

You're not paying yourself anything--

hey, that's a good line, I gotta remember that.

You ever consider being the first

12-year-old boy in space?

Murray, I am upset.

Now, for me as an actual child, the way you live in this house

and we live is a dangerous thing for my later life

when I become an actual person.

Now, an unemployed person like you are for so many months

is bad for you as the person involved,

and it's definitely bad for me,

who he lives with in the same house

where the rent isn't paid up for months sometimes,

and I wish you'd get a job, Murray.

Please.

You're absolutely right.

What's wrong, Murray?

I don't know, Nick.

Murray, are you all right?

Hey!

I enjoyed the Statue of Liberty a lot.

Yeah, it was great, I'm glad we went.

Hey, it is a great view, isn't it?

Yeah.

Otto, Otto.

We have reached at last the mainland,

and we must now get the rocket plans from agent X22.

Shh, but, you fool, he is being observed.

It is essential we are not observed.

Hey, if you're really secret spy X12--

-I wouldn't tell you. -And why not?

Because it's a secret, you fool.

Hey, spy, listen, I’ll tell you something.

You know those poison capsules they give us to take

-when we get captured? -Yeah.

Well, they got a new way of giving them to us now, Otto.

-What's that? -They're putting ‘em

in the Cracker Jacks.

That's--that's crazy,

that's a silly thing, what you said.

How silly, how silly how such a silly thing.

They are putting them in the--

What is that?

It's ridiculous.

Let them put the prize in the package!

But this is...

Excuse me, are you Mr. Burns?

Only for a couple more seconds, buddy,

they poisoned my Cracker Jacks.

Yes, I see.

You are Murray N. Burns?

Oh, excuse me, how are ya?

-How do you do, Mr. Burns? -Mm.

I am Mr. Amundson,

and this is Miss Markowitz.

Miss Markowitz and I are a Social Service unit

from the Child Welfare Board.

We have been asked by the bureau to--

Oh, and this must be young Nicholas.

-Hello. -Mr. Burns, we--

Miss Markowitz and I have been asked by the BCW

to investigate and examine certain pupils

of the Revere School.

There is a--may we

-see you for a moment? -Oh, certainly.

There is certain information, which the school and the city

would like to have of--

-regarding young Nicholas. -Uh, here, won't you sit down?

I'll just get rid of these things.

I—I’d like to explain

just why we're here, Mr. Burns.

Well, say, would anybody like some coffee?

Oh, well, thank you, Nicholas-- Miss Markowitz?

Yes, thank you.

Watch it.

It might be best, Mr. Burns,