Family Guy

We interrupt this program with a special report.

Quahog is seeing its worst flu epidemic in years,

due in part to a severe shortage of flu shots.

Let's go live to Asian flu correspondent, Tricia Takanawa, Tricia?

Diane, I'm...

Thank you, Tricia. We now return you to Robin, Boy Wonder.

Help! Help us! Oh, my God!

Hey, don't worry. I'm here.

Robin? They sent you? Yeah.

Everyone else was busy, so they sent me.

What the hell are you gonna do?

You don't have any superpowers.

Uh, I got a cell phone.

Oh, no bars.

All right, who's next for a flu shot?

Oh, that's me. I'm Peter Griffin.

Mr. Griffin, these flu shots are in short supply.

We need to save them for the elderly. Like these folks here.

Oh. Okay.

Well, I guess I'll be heading out then and...

Oh, look at that.

Oh, well, since it's already in there,

you might as well push down on the old plunger there.

You're a monster.

You know what was a monster? Frampton Comes Alive, 1976.

Is there anyone you knew who didn't have that record?

I don't think so. Bam! All right, have a good winter.

Very well, Mr. Griffin, you got your flu shot.

Now, if you'll just sign here.

Well, this is odd. What?

Well, you're 42 years old

and it says here you've never had a prostate exam.

No, but I've had other exams. Like that one in college.

Damn it, this is too hard!

Here's what I think of your test, Mr. Teacher.

You just stood up to me. Congratulations. That was the test.

Yeah!

Okay, heart sounds good.

All right, Mr. Griffin,

I'm just going to need you to drop your pants,

and we'll check your prostate.

Uh, what?

Drop your pants, turn around, and lean forward.

Um, okay.

So, how's this work, you just feel my pulse or...

What the hell was that?

Mr. Griffin, that's a prostate exam.

Shut up! You had your finger in my ass!

That's how a prostate exam is performed.

Now, if you'll just let me... Get away from me!

Ugh. Get a tan.

Peter, my God, you look terrible. What happened?

I was raped.

What? Dr. Hartman violated me.

He took my innocence.

What?

Peter, that's a prostate exam.

It's an important part of a physical for men your age.

You sound just like him!

Fucking idiot.

Hey, Peter, buddy. How about some TV, huh?

We now return to Freddy Got Fingered.

Oh, God.

Ouch.

Oh, God.

Yellow Pages. Let your fingers do the walking.

Are we still going to the baseball game?

Get that away from me, Chris.

Stop it, Meg.

Peter, I'm trying to be supportive,

but after all, it was just a prostate exam.

You weren't there, Lois. You weren't there.

Who's that? Who are you? Where's Peter? Where is he?

You're a whore. Wear your whore makeup, you whore.

Is somebody in there? Ocupado.

Filthy whore.

You're somebody's father, you filthy whore.

Hi, sweetie.

Look at her staring. What are you looking at, huh?

God, I should take her out right here with these, man.

Oh, hey, Lois. Oh, you like staring?

Oh, why don't I give you a closer look?

Yeah, you want some of this, Maury Po'bitch?

Oh, oh, what's that? Oh, you come back for more, huh?

I'd freaking drop her ass.

Oh, an unfamiliar dog.

Why don't you go away? I don't want to be your friend.

Rupert! Oh, dear God, somebody help!

Rupert!

Give me that bear!

Oh, honey, I'm afraid Rupert had a little injury.

Oh, Rupert, please live.

Please, I'll never be short with you again. We'll go away.

We'll go to Hawaii. Would you like that?

I always envisioned how it would be.

I never knew there could be such a thing as a perfect day.

Don't frolic too much, Rupert.

Save some energy for the hula contest.

Stewie, I have a surprise for you.

Good as new.

Rupert! It's really him. I don't believe it.

You... You did this for me?

And to help you feel better, I made your favorite dinner.

Cut green beans.

Atkins-friendly potato sticks arranged according to size from largest to smallest,

and a Scooby-Doo yogurt with Shaggy's eyes scratched out.

Oh, it's perfect down to the last detail.

Lois, I was wrong about you.

You're... You're my everything.

Mommy loves you, sweetheart.

Stewie loves Lois.

Brian loves Olympia Dukakis.

Oh, yeah, I do.

Peter, what's the matter with you today? You're not yourself.

Guys, I went to Dr. Hartman yesterday,

and he did things to my fanny.

Peter, it's okay.

It's not okay. You don't know what it's like.

You're wrong.

I, too, have felt the cold finger of injustice on my insidey parts.

He... He did it to you, too?

I have something to say. Dr. Hartman violated me, as well.

I only went in there for a physical/guinea pig removal,

but I turned out to be the guinea pig

for his sexual experimentation.

You guys are a bunch of queers.

And so am I! Oh, God, it was horrible!

I scrubbed, and I scrubbed, but damn it,

they don't make water hot enough!

My God, we've all been victims of Dr. Hartman's "prostate exam."

Well, gentlemen, the abuse stops here.

I will not turn a brown eye to this.

I am going to sue that bastard and make him pay out the ass.

No ifs, ands, or buts. I'm going to be really anal about this.

Sphincter.

Good morning, Lois.

My, Stewie, you're in a good mood today.

Well, why shouldn't I be?

You saved Rupert's life, and I love you for it.

So, warn the villagers. Here comes the cuddle monster.

Oh, Lois, your breasts are great.

Well, good morning, Mr. Nipple.

Hey, there. Must be cold in here.

What do you say we move south a little bit?

There we go. Oh, you are so ready.

Peter, you're going to sue Dr. Hartman?

You can't do that, all he did was give you a prostate exam.

Are you saying I asked for this to happen?

You know, Dad, there's this lawyer at the mall

who says he'll take any case,

no matter how frivolous.

Yeah, yeah, and they also have an Orange Julius.

Just... Just trying to keep the conversation going.

Well, whatever happens, I'm not going to stand for this.

Too many people get away with injustice.

Like the folks you meet in those Louisiana swamps.

Excuse me, do you know how to get to town?

Yeah, it's back the way you came.

I love you, Lois. You know that, right?

Just in case, I'll say it again. I love you.

Oh, you are just so cute, sweetie. Look at that little foot.

I'm gonna eat that foot.

Give me that foot, it looks delicious.

Don't... Don't eat my foot. Oh, God.

Oh, it is so hard to find funny women, and you are hilarious.

Oh, you're like a female Bonnie Hunt.

Sit right there, honey.

Mommy will go get Rupert so he can eat with you.

Oh, God. Thoughtful.

Oh, hey, Lois, I made coffee if you want some.

Oh, thank you, Brian. That'd be nice.

Hey, Brian, listen, I've got a favor to ask.

Could you...

Could you not talk to Lois anymore? What?

You know, it's just I'm tired of you hitting on her.

That's all.

It's... I mean, it's not cool.

I was just making coffee. I didn't hit on her.

Besides, Lois is my friend.

I'll do whatever the hell I want.

I'm asking you nicely, Brian.

Stop hitting on her. That's ridiculous.

I see the way you look at her...

Just 'cause you're a mama's boy...

stop! Lois is my queen, man.

Kissing up to her, monopolizing her...