Friends

Hey.

Good morning, tiger.

I'm making you a big breakfast, so you can keep up your strength for tonight.

You're gonna get me good and pregnant.

I've got nowhere to go this morning. I'm unemployed.

I don't know what I'm gonna do with my life.

Well, I just lost my erection.

No, I mean, what am I supposed to do with myself?

You're supposed to find your passion in life.

You can be whatever you want to be now. It's exciting.

Yeah, but it's all so overwhelming. I don't know where to start.

Hey, wait a second. I can help you with this.

You just need to be organized. We can make a list of your qualifications...

...and categorize jobs by industry. There could be folders and files...

Hey, this is where your hyper-organized pain-in-the-ass stuff pays off.

I know!

My erection is back!

Thank you.

Ooh, Joey, could I have a sip of your coffee and a bite of your muffin?

- Okay. - Thank you.

Thank you.

Uh, Pheebs, have you ever been bitten by a hungry Italian?

I'm sorry. It's just, I'm a little short on cash.

Oh, if you want, I could loan you some money.

Oh, no, no, no. I learned never to borrow money from friends.

No. That's why Richard Dreyfuss and I don't speak anymore.

Ooh, hey, how about this? Wanna be an extra on my show?

- You could do that? - Yeah, yeah.

The pay's pretty good, and you could do it for as long as you need.

- Oh, my God. I'm gonna be on TV! - Okay, now...

I gotta tell you, being on TV isn't as glamorous and exciting as you think.

- Oh, really? - No, it is awesome.

Hey, guys.

Hey. - Hi.

Oh, wow.

Hey, why are you all dressed up?

We're bringing Emma to Ralph Lauren today to introduce her to everyone.

- Doesn't she look cute? - She sure does.

Why does she have a pink bow taped to her head?

If one more person says, "What a cute little boy"...

...I'm gonna whip them with a car antenna.

I think she's gonna be the hit of the office, huh?

Yeah, she's gonna be hotter than, uh, peasant blouses and A-line skirts.

Can I get a blue bow?

Okay. I have looked through a bunch of career guides...

...photocopied and highlighted key passages...

...and put them into alphabetical folders, so you can make an informed decision.

How long was I in there?

Okay, let's start with the A's. Advertising.

Wait. Advertising, that's a great idea.

Well, don't you wanna look through the rest?

I don't think I have to hear the rest. Advertising makes perfect sense.

I'm sorry you had to waste all this time.

You call eight hours alone with my label maker wasted time?

Ooh, now I'll get to use my shredder!

I mean, I could write slogans. I mean, how hard could it be, right?

"Cheese.

It's milk that you chew."

"Crackers. Because your cheese needs a buddy."

"A grape. Because who can get a watermelon in your mouth?"

Oh, I got one.

"Socks. Because your family's feet deserve the best."

Honey, leave it to the pros.

I actually know someone in advertising.

I grew up with a guy who is a vice president at a big agency.

Maybe I can get him to meet you. Give me the phone.

"The phone. Bringing you closer to people who have phones."

"Marriage. It's not for everybody."

That went well. Almost everybody knew that she was a girl.

Yeah, after you punched that one guy who got it wrong, word spread.

I'm just gonna go in my office and pick up some stuff.

- Who the hell are you? - Who the hell are you?

I'm the hell person whose office this is.

Good one, Rach.

I'm Gavin Mitchell, the person who's taking over your job.

Excuse me?

Oh, your baby's so cute.

But why would you put a pink bow on a boy?

Hey, Joey. Look at me.

I'm a nurse.

- Yes, you are. - Ha, ha.

I think it might be time for my sponge bath.

Sorry, I'm just so used to hitting on the extras.

- So are you excited about your scene? - Yeah, but I'm a little nervous.

Oh, relax. Don't be. They'll probably just make you stand in the background.

- Good. - You. Here, come here. Here.

Take this tray, stand on this yellow mark. You're gonna move on "action."

Walk over to the operating table, stop on the blue mark and put the tray down.

Don't walk too fast.

But don't dawdle.

Okay. Now, what?

And, action!

Cut! Cut. - I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry. I'm just a little nervous. - Yeah, well, don't be.

Okay, that helps.

And, action!

Cut!

Don't worry about it. It usually takes me three takes too.

Ha-ha-ha. All right, eight.

And...

...action!

So do you have any other questions about advertising?

No. No. But let me show you what I can do.

"Bagels and doughnuts.

Round food for every mood."

Monica warned me you might do that.

I think we might have something for you at the agency.

- Really? That's great. - It's an unpaid internship.

That's funny. When you said "unpaid," it sounded like you said "unpaid."

Come on, now. Monica has a good job.

It's not like you have a family to support.

Actually, we're trying. I don't think Monica is gonna want to postpone it.

We're supposed to have sex tonight.

Actually, she's probably at home, naked right now.

I tend to keep talking till somebody stops me.

- I can picture her on the bed. - Stop!

Okay.

Wait. What do you mean, you're taking over my job?

Well, while you were on your baby vacation, I was doing your job.

A vacation? My idea of a vacation does not involve...

...something sucking on my nipples until they are raw.

Clearly, you've never been to Sandals Paradise Island.

All right. Don't get too comfortable there, because I'm back in two weeks.

I want everything back the way it was.

I can't say I care too much for the way you've rearranged my office.

I can't say I care too much for that smell you've brought in.

Excuse me?

Uh, Rach, uh, we have a code brown situation.

Honey, could you please take care of it for me?

All right, but you're gonna have to do one sometime.

Let me just get this straight.

So I go have a baby, and they send some guy in to do my job?

Well, there was talk of shutting down Ralph Lauren altogether.

Okay. Right. You're very cheeky for a temp.

I'm not a temp. I was transferred here from another department.

Oh, and what department was that? The, uh, jerk department?

They didn't tell me about your quick wit.

Well, did they mention that I'm rubber and you're glue?

- Gavin, Ralph loved your ideas. - Oh, hi, Mr. Zelner.

Ah, Rachel. I see you've met Gavin.

When you left us, we weren't sure what we were gonna do.

But then, Gavin to the rescue. Super Gavin. Ha-ha-ha.

Well, that's great.

So now, uh, Super Gavin, when I come back...

...uh, where do you plan on flying off to?

That's up to Mr. Zelner. I'm sure he'll make the right decision.

Oh, wow. Super ass-kissing power.

Incidentally, when, uh, are you coming back?

Uh, today.

- You said two weeks. - No, I said today.

See, for a superhero, not so much with the listening.

- Hey. Hey.

So, what'd he say?

Uh...

He can be a little rough around the edges...

...so I'm gonna replace a word he used a lot with the word "puppy."

Okay? So he said, "If your puppy friend doesn't get her puppy act together...

...I am gonna fire her mother-puppy ass."

I'm sorry. I can't do this. I'm just not an actor.

That's right. You're not. You're a nurse.

- You're Nurse With Tray. - Joey...

Nurse With Tray doesn't know Joey. She has no time for friends.

She gets in that operating room and she carries that tray to the doctor...

...because if she doesn't, people die.

Who dies?

Man With Eye Patch!

Now, you get in there, and you do your job.

- Yes, doctor. - Okay.

Okay, let's try this one more time.

Hang in there, Man With Eye Patch. Your tray is coming.

And, action.

Yes, I did it! I nailed it!

Whoo!

What's next?

The rest of the scene.

Okay, from the top, people.

Listen, sudden change of plans. Um, my maternity leave just ended.

They said if I didn't come back today, they'd fire me.

What? No, that's illegal.

I'll have the Labor Department here so fast, they won't...

All right, calm down, Norma Rae. They didn't actually say that.

I'm just afraid if I don't come back now, this guy will try and squeeze me out.

But what about Emma? I mean, we don't have a nanny.

I know. We're just gonna have to figure out a plan tonight.

Can you please just take care of her for today?

Absolutely. Just give me your breasts, and we'll be on our way.

Come on. I don't know what else to do.

- Fine. Fine. - Okay.

We'll have fun, won't we? Yes, we will. Yes, we...