Fresh Off the Boat

Kick.

Okay, so, I'll drop you off at work,

go to the dry-cleaners,

and then take the Robertsons to go see some condos.

- Sorry. What's the plan? - Oh, don't forget...

we have to take the fryer grease to the dump.

Um, hello?

Basketball game?

Right.

So, dump, restaurant,

cleaners, basketball game, condos.

_

S02E03 Shaquille O'Neal

Hurry up and eat breakfast while I shower.

I don't want to be late for work.

Make sure they don't turn their breakfast into curse words.

That just floated onto my spoon... I swear.

Relax. I'm a cool dad.

Boys, you know how our anniversary is coming up?

- No. - Of course.

12 years... the silk and linen anniversary.

I finally figured out the perfect present for mom.

You say that every year.

Why do I want to watch money wilt?

Interesting how you'll pay a stranger to cook for us,

but you expect me to do it for free.

Beautiful.

Does it also come with a sign that says,

"cut my throat and take this"?

I admit, your mother's difficult to shop for.

But I realized my mistake.

I need to give her a hot, romantic experience

like I did on our wedding night.

I'm a little nervous.

Don't worry. You're in good hands.

We need something to tie these to!

Buying the van...

that's how you spent your wedding night?

Yep.

And this year, I'm gonna re-create the magic

by taking her shopping for a second car.

Mom's never gonna go for that.

She hates spending money.

But she knows we need another car,

and she loves negotiating.

Just to throw out another option...

what if I told you there was a mode of transportation

that is cheaper and way more fun?

You kids want a summertime treat?

It's too hot for hot dogs.

Is it?

Whoa! It's the hot dogger!

Now your favorite food is your favorite toy!

You supply the buns!

We're not getting that.

Don't worry. You guys will be nice and cool

in the air-conditioned luxury of this glamorous baby...

a brand-new 1995 Honda Accord in champagne pearl,

the most elegant color in the neutral rainbow.

So you'd rather get a boring car?

You know who doesn't think accords are boring?

Your hero... Shaq.

That's right.

I'm taking your mom down to Shaquille O'Neal motors.

Why is Shaq selling a car he can't even fit into?

Come along and ask him.

Dad, he's not gonna be there.

It's a licensing deal.

They paid the diesel a bunch of money

to slap his name on something.

"Shaq Fu."

Louis, please.

No anniversary presents this year.

Let's just go back inside and water the plants.

No, it's gonna be great. Trust me.

Bye, boys. Listen to grandma.

M'lady.

Ugh!

Some old funyuns.

The romance is just beginning.

Don't wait up, boys. We'll be gone for hours.

Sounds like it's time to party.

- You got one, too? - Mm-hmm.

Shampoo?

I don't want to show up empty-handed.

Okay.

Uh-oh. Here comes trouble.

Ooh-la-la. Pert plus!

Thank you!

It both of us.

What's this noise?

Eddie, Emery,

I want you to meet Oinker, Frisky, Can-Do,

Tina Pham, Peanut, Shamus, Pi, and Wally-Wally.

Hello! Evan, I...

Stop. Are those beanie babies?

Yes.

Meet Oinker, Frisky, Can-Do, Tina Pham,

Peanut, Shamus, Pi, and Wally-Wally.

- You know these things? - I collect them.

I have all of these,

except that boring-looking unicorn with the tattered label.

But since we're friends,

I could take him off your hands for you.

For, wha like $10?

$10? Those are limited editions.

Pocolltibles at the mall

would pay a fortune for these.

Well, it's 10:00 A.M. and we already got beef.

Hmm! Excuse us.

- Why did you say that? - I don't know, it just cam out.

You better think befor you speak.

Louis, where are we going?

You know I don't like surprises.

Sorry! I just forgot my keys!

Surprise!

Poor Mitch.

That was the day of his junior-college graduation.

Ah, here we are.

Shaquille O'Neal Motors.

Surprise!

I know what you're thinking, but don't worry.

We can afford it.

Plus, you get to negotiate...

just like on our wedding night.

Happy anniversary.

Hey!

Hi. My name's Clark.

Welcome to Shaq Motors. How can I help you?

Hello. I'm Louis.

My wife and I are in the market for a new car.

That's wonderful, Louis.

Now, where is your lovely wife today?

I know, I know.

She looks like my daughter. Uh, okay.

What I'm trying to say is I don't see anyone with you.

What?

Jessica?

Where'd she go?

Wives, huh?

Too bad they don't come with six months of free lojack,

like all the cars do here at Shaq Motors.

Yeah.

I've been looking all over for you.

I turned away for one second and you were gone.

What happened? I had to get out of there.

I just needed to get a drink some place quiet

where I wouldn't be bothered.

Usually when I'm at a bar,

Jewish guys are all over me, but not here for some reason.

This set of testicles bothering you?

No, Deb. He's just my husband.

Louis, sit down.

There's something I need to tell you.

Ooh, that conversation.

You're gonna need more chex mix.

I haven't been completely honest with you

about our wedding night.

Mr. and Mrs. Huang,

we've been negotiating for hours.

I'll knock off another $200,

but that's the best I can do.

I accept your defeat.

How good does that look?

Jessica Huang. That's my wife.

I'm gonna go warm up our new van.

What a night!

Don't feel bad.

You'll be able to tell your firstborn

that you tangled with the best.

My firstborn is about all you left me with.

That and the floor mats.

Repeat that now, what you just said.

Oh, right here. See?

You opted out of the optional floor-mat option.

No.

That's it?

Louis, I blew it!

Free floor mats!

That's the one thing dealers always throw in,

and I missed it!

I overlooked the most basic detail!

You're overreacting. It was just floor mats.

No, it wasn't just floor mats. It was our wedding night.

It was the first thing that we did as a married couple,

and I messed it up.

And every year, I'm forced to think about it.

So, what are we supposed to do?

Just never get a new car ever again?

If you want a car, get a car.

But I can't walk through those automatic glass doors again

and be reminded of the biggest mistake of my life.

Well...

You remember floor mats,

I remember the first time we signed our names together.

Band-aid's off, ney. You did it.

Wiener-free since '83.

What are you doing?

I figured out a way to get us the hot dogger.

We take these down to the mall and we sell them.