Pete 'n' Tillie

Tillie: I wasn't looking forward to this party.

Or meeting Pete Seltzer.

But when you've reached my age

and your friends are beginning to worry about you,

blind dates are a way of life.

Hi, Till.

- Hey. - Hi, Tillie.

You see you've got a lot of attention.

- Tillie! - Oh, hey, Bert.

Well, you look great, baby, just great.

Oh, thank you, I have a magic comb.

I'll tell you what, uh, mingle for about 15 minutes

then slip upstairs to my bedroom, I'll be waiting.

Is Bert serious, or is he just trying to be a good host?

Well, either way you're going to be disappointed.

How would a wife know?

How indeed.

Mnh-mnh.

Brava.

Ah-ha-ha. There he is.

Come on.

- Hi, Tillie. - Hey, Trident.

He's gruff.

But he has a heart of gold.

Pete Seltzer.

- This is Tillie Shlain. - Hi.

I'm gonna make a great effort to rise.

No, please, don't get up.

Oh, she's darling.

But as I'm in need of a refill

what can I get you, Ms. Shlain?

Tillie.

What can I get you, Tillie?

Tillie doesn't drink.

That's such a noble statement.

I wish you'd let me make it myself.

I'll get you some more of that.

Now you sit down and chat.

As long as Tillie isn't having anything

I'll have a double, Gert.

Gertrude says chat, I guess we chat, right?

Right.

- Where were you born? - Why?

No particular reason.

Asking a person where they hail from

comes under the heading of chat, right?

Right.

I hail from San Jose.

I have to be honest with you

that isn't much of a hail.

No.

Next time you're asked, say, oh,

"Windyanapolis."

- Alright. - Pete, booze.

Incidentally do you always keep

your arms folded across your chest?

Gertrude: Here's your Scotch.

I got you Coke, and drink up,

the food is almost ready.

Things are going beautifully, Gertrude.

We're madly in love.

- Gertrude, my dear. - Oh, Father, you did drop.

Oh, damn!

There's Gert and her priest again.

Oh, God, one of those.

- Good evening, Father. - How are you, Father?

I think you know almost everyone here, Mr. Ford.

I see Ed Ford every day in a week except Sundays.

Sit down, Ed.

And what about Pete Seltzer here?

- Pete, Father Keating. - I don't believe we've met.

- How do you do, Mr. Seltzer? - Hi.

I didn't know you were asking, Father Keating.

I demand equal time for my rabbi.

Come on, Pete,

you have one Jewish grandmother.

You're three-fourth Lutheran.

Why do you keep insisting that you're Jewish?

'Cause I'm a social climber.

Well, I don't think I'll bother with any more introductions.

Father Keating knows how informal we are here.

- Your usual, Father? - Thank you.

Gertrude, you don't know how much I enjoy your parties.

You know what I gave up to come here tonight?

Bingo at the church.

Incidentally, Father, is it true what I hear

that the Bingo games at the church are fixed?

Oh, well, I don't know exactly what you mean by fixed?

I hear you let converts win, is that true?

Pay him no mind, Father.

No, it's not true.

But it's a marvelous idea, thank you.

World, world, world, world.

- The game over? - No.

But having Father Keating act out

God's in His heaven, all's right with the world

seemed to me a little too much like ass kissing.

Besides I don't think all's right with the world, do you?

Um, not lately.

Why does the clergy think they always

have to play the good sport?

Oh, please, don't interrupt.

I'm pretending to be an animal lover.

Hey, don't look so sad.

You'd look sad too if you were just spayed.

Oh, no, why'd they do that?

Actually, I think it was her husband

that Gertrude wanted altered

but the vet made a mistake.

Mes enfants, we need your help.

We've had it with charades.

We are about to embark on the great adventure.

We are going to trap Gertrude

into revealing her age.

Why do you have to trap her? Why don't you just ask her?

Nobody knows how old Gertrude is.

Not even Bert, her husband.

Gertrude tells her age?

She won't even tell us how old her dog is.

Now, here's our plan.

We'll just be sitting around casually

and Heldon Pritcher will bring up John Kennedy.

"Isn't he marvelous looking?"

"Isn't he a marvelous president?"

Et cetera, et cetera, and then, Tillie...

That is your name, isn't it?

But you just ask a casual question like,

um, um, "Who was the first president you ever voted for?"

And several people will

volunteer information.

And then it will be Gertrude's turn--

It won't work.

That presidential ploy

was tried on Gertrude years ago

under Harry Truman, I think.

You'll have to do better than that.

Alright.

Have you any ideas?

Me? I couldn't care less how old Gertie is.

How can you not care?

Oh, such a big liberal.

Such a big progressive.

When it comes to something really important

like Gertrude's age, won't lift a finger.

There are few burdens in life harder to bear

than the irritation of a good example.

That was rather good.

"The irritation of a good example."

Would've been even better had he bothered

to give Mark Twain credit for it.

Don't you know about Jimmy Twitchell?

He's a cultural Robin Hood.

He steals from the witty, and gives to the dull.

Well, that's not so bad either.

I'm 33, in case you're wondering.

I figured somewhere in that neighborhood.

Listen to them, I guess they

haven't heard about her operation.

I imagine they're just calling a spade a spade.

You have possibilities.

Thank you.

After 12:00

we turn the clocks back tonight, don't we?

Yes, we do.

That's such a good idea, turning our clocks back.

It gives us an extra hour of insomnia.

Go on home, dogs.

Shall we go?

Oh, I have a car.

Thanks just the same though.

But I don't.

- Don't what? - Don't have a car.

You want me to drop you?

No, no, no, I'll take you home,

and I can get a cab from there

or a cable car or something.

After all, I'm your escort.

Attendant: Thank you.

You drive very well.

Thank you.

Gertrude says you work for an insurance company.

Secretary.

I think you're wondering how can she afford a car

in San Francisco on a secretary's salary?

Well, it isn't much of a salary,

but this isn't much of a car.

Oh, I see.

What kind of work do you do, Pete?

Motivational research.

We send canvassers out to discover what the people think.

- Think about what? - Products mostly.

What they're looking for in the way of an automatic

contaminator or, uh,

an aftershave mint, things like that.

Fascinating products.

Anything else?

Well, we've just completed a survey

for a dietetic shampoo

and are now helping to launch a reversible mayonnaise.