Wee Willie Winkie

But, Mommy, if we're in India...

where are all the Indians?

They're not the same kind of Indians we have in America, darling.

What kind are they then?

These are the real Indians.

The ones back home were called Indians by mistake...

because...

when Christopher Columbus discovered America, he thought it was India.

Then is Grandfather an Indian?

No, dear. He's an Englishman, a colonel in the army.

You know that.

Then why doesn't he live in England?

Because Queen Victoria transferred him here.

Will we live right in Grandfather's house?

Why, of course.

Then we won't have to worry anymore about the butcher and the grocer man?

No, darling.

Too bad we didn't get acquainted with Grandfather sooner.

Look, Mommy! Look! There's an elephant!

Are we gonna ride the rest of the way on an elephant?

Oh, no, dear. I hope not. Now, no more questions.

- Mrs. Williams? - Yes.

This is Sergeant MacDuff of the 7 th Highlanders.

Mommy, why does he wear that funny little petticoat?

Hush, dear.

Colonel Williams sent me to meet you, ma'am.

- Thank you. - Will you come this way, ma'am?

- There you are, missy. - Oh, my baggage.

I have a trunk, two hat boxes-

Oh, and my mandolin.

Mandolin?

You better come with me to identify them, ma'am.

- Can I come too? - No, dear. You wait here.

Excuse me, sir, please, mister...

but is this where the circuses come from?

Yes, Missy Baba. Very hot day.

Uh-

Hey, mister! You dropped this!

- Priscilla? - Where's Missy Baba?

- Yes. - Priscilla!

- Priscilla! - Hey, mister, you dropped your necklace.

Hey, wait a minute.

Our rifles- Lee-Metfords.

- Where's the thieving Pathan you got 'em from? - Khoda Khan.

- Khoda Khan? - Caught him, Sergeant.

Huh. Wait until the colonel hears about this.

Take him to headquarters!

Better follow me, ma'am.

But what's a talisman used for, Mommy?

It's a sort of sacred charm, dear.

Keep it, lassie, and hang it round your neck.

Then they say no harm can befall ya.

Will harm befall him- that man Khoda Khan- now that he hasn't got it anymore?

Oh, plenty of harm.

Don't fret your little heart.

That's a bad, bad character, Khoda Khan.

Like the robbers in your fairy book.

Like Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves?

Yes. Now, no more questions, Priscilla.

Are there many ladies living at the army post, Sergeant?

Not many ladies, ma'am. It's a difficult place to live, even for a soldier.

Mr. MacDuff, is a sergeant higher than a colonel?

Not this side of paradise.

Your grandfather's the commanding officer of the whole caboodle here.

Is my grandfather nice?

Well, uh...

I can't say that he's exactly nice...

but, uh, he's a grand soldier...

And I have every respect for him.

The-The men call him "Old Boots. "

- Old Boots? - Why do they call him that?

Well, because he still sleeps in his boots like he used to do in the old days...

when a man had to be ready for emergencies, day or night.

- Sergeant MacDuff- - Priscilla!

Mommy, I just want to ask Sergeant MacDuff one more question.

How do you keep the mosquitoes from biting your knees?

Mohammet Dihn!

Blasted parlor maid. Dihn!

Yes. Them women is here. Fetch the luggage.

Is that Grandfather?

Mohammet Dihn! Luggage.

Come on! Luggage, luggage!

Grandfather?

Bagby.

Fetch the luggage.

Will you sit down, ma'am?

Look.

And I presume you have no recollection of riding across the parade grounds...

like a blasted maniac, on a buffalo!

- Oh, was it a buffalo? - Bah!

I've told you before, Brandes...

your antic behavior, your irresponsible attitude...

is conduct unbecoming an officer.

Sets a bad example to the other men.

This is not Mayfair or a tea party on the Thames.

You're on probation, Brandes.

All privileges revoked for 30 days.

Dismissed!

I'll, uh- I'll tell him you're here.

Hello.

Is my grandfather always mad like that?

Your grandfather?

Oh, not always.

Only when he's disobeyed or-

or thinks he's disobeyed.

How do you do?

- The ladies are here, sir. - Oh. Splendid.

Good man. Thank you.

Splendid.

Uh, I must see them, I suppose.

I must report, sir, that Khoda Khan was arrested in Raj Pore today, sir.

What? Khoda Khan himself?

Caught red-handed, sir, with a dozen of our rifles.

- Must've been hiding them in Raj Pore. - Bah!

Of all the thieving Pathans, why must they arrest the biggest blackguard of the lot?

- It looks bad, sir. - Bad?

Having Khoda Khan under lock and key is like holding a tiger by the tail.

- I'm sorry, sir. - Sorry! The whole hill country will be up in arms!

- I think- I think I'm gonna call you Coppy. - Coppy?

- Priscilla! - But why?

Because of your hair. It's like a shiny, new copper penny.

I imagine it is pretty awful.

I like it! Don't you, Mommy?

Well, yes, of course.

Might I ask, are you here on a visit?

- No, we expect to stay. - Oh.

Did you really ride the buffalo?

Why, yes, I- I-

- What was it like? - Well, riding a buffalo is like-

Didn't you ever ride a buffalo?

- Come on. Climb on, and I'll show you how. - Oh, no. I don't think she'd-

- Hold tight. Whee! - Oh, Priscilla!

Mrs. Williams?

- Joyce, Father. - Oh, y-yes, yes.

I, uh- I trust, uh-

I trust you had a comfortable journey.

- Yes. Thank you. - Ah.

What the deuce is all this?

That must be Grandfather.

This is Priscilla.

- Oh. - How do you do, Grandfather?

Well, h-h-how do you do? Uh-

Are you- Um-

This is most irregular, sir-

Oh, please don't scold Coppy again.

It wasn't Coppy's fault. Really it wasn't.

Coppy? Who's Coppy?

Why, uh, Priscilla has a habit of nicknaming people.

- Oh. - You have a nickname already, haven't you?

Priscilla!

Eh? Well-

Well, people usually address me as "Colonel. "

That's what I was going to call you- Colonel.

Oh, you were.

- What are you waiting for? - Nothing, sir.

Oh, sit down. Sit down.

Coppy!

It was very kind of you to send for us.

Oh, my plain duty, madam. Son's widow, helpless female.

I'd have sent for you years ago if I'd known you were destitute.

I didn't want anybody to know.

- But the landlady always found out- - Hush, dear.

I did my best to work.

Very distressing. Very distressing.

Well, you're here now.

We do appreciate it.

Mommy almost cried when she got your letter, she was so glad.

Dear me. Dear me, dear me.

Uh, Bagby!

- Bagby! - Sir?

Oh, there you are. What the blazes are-

Show Mrs. Williams her quarters.

Yes, sir.

I trust, uh- I trust you'll accommodate yourself to the life we live here.

Army post, you know. Routine, discipline, all that sort of thing.

- Oh, we will. - Does that mean we get to sleep with our boots on?

- Oh, Priscilla! - What? No, no, no. Of course not.

Huh. Boots.

Mommy.

I don't think Grandfather likes me very well.

Oh, of course he does, darling.

Perhaps he just doesn't understand little girls.

You see, the colonel's always been used to soldiers.

Mommy, I want to go home.

Oh, but, darling...

this is our home.

Hey! Pump that water!

Turn out the guards! Who's it-

- Hey, Sergeant! - Come out here!

- Let me go! Sergeant! - You'll get your bath!

- I won't do it again! - Give him a bath, Sergeant!

- Come on, Mott. - Hey, Sergeant!

- Hello. What are you doing, bathing? - Yes, sir!

Clean little chappie.

Eyes right!

Party, attention!

Present arms!

It's awfully hot for so early in the morning, isn't it?

Have you been standing here all night?

Can't you even shake your head yes or no?